My Unspoken Words to You. (My Confession.)

I used to have written here the name of the man this was about. But I have finally moved on completely, and the only reason I'm not taking this down is because it's part of my life.

 The first day I saw you, I was interested. It wasn’t even a mental attraction; it was pure lust. I loved how your hair was as unruly as grass after a storm, how your eyes were so intense, how your arms were so strong.  Strong enough to catch me as I accidentally fell into them, I thought more than once.

Then I got to know you. I learnt of your family; your wife and 3 kids. But I also discovered your humour, your intelligence, your charm. And that’s when I fell hopelessly in love with you.

I didn’t realize it at first, putting it down as a simple teenage crush. But then I did.

It was never a happy love. From its discovery onwards, it pushed me deep into the pit of depression. The only time I laughed was when you were around. I cried every night and watched weeks blur past.

You never did know of this, but at times I thought you did. It wasn’t from a sympathetic look every now and then; no I thought you knew because you avoided me. Every other girl (and guy) you laughed with, joked with, shared you life with. While I, whom you affected so much, went unnoticed. Sometimes I blamed myself. Most of the time I blamed you. I hated you for making me love you. I ridiculed you to myself all day, then wept at night because you didn’t love me.

Another thing that added to my despair was that no one noticed. My family noticed I was angry a lot more then usual. But nothing more. Not even my close friends realized I was in love with a man 24 years my senior.

You remember that project we had to do that you marked? You wrote my name. I cut it out and wore it in a locket for a week to remind myself that you did actually know I existed.

Suddenly it was the end of the year. On a Friday, I had my last time with you. I didn’t even realize till I got home. Want to know my first words when I realized? “Oh f**k.”

Half a week later. End of year Speech Day. I was playing violin in the orchestra on stage, about 10 meters away from where you were sitting. When we finished playing, I was happy from the accomplished feeling you get at performances. As we walked off, we had to pass you. I was watching you; as always, and you winked at the girl in front of me and gazed at her as she walked off. You gave everyone that wink. Everyone but me. And you wasted it on her. She used to be my friend, and I knew her well. You and her shared music. You actually spent time with her. And you completely ignored me. I went straight from my post-playing high back down to my customary low. And I never saw you again.

It’s taken me almost a year to get fully over you. And only 3 months ago I happened upon a photo of you. And it was as if you had never left. The old pain ripped out the patch on my heart and sat itself back in its customary place.

Another month of sorrow. But this was different. It was regretful, not hopeful or hateful. It consisted of me thinking back and regretting I never told you. Not so you’d leave you wife and kids. But so you’d remember. But now I fear you haven’t given me a thought since you left, even though you’ve been in my mind every day of the year.

Author's Note

true story. this is why so many of my early poems are what they are.

Reviews

[Larry Dyson]

I liked the fact that you never told Him and used the angst to make your self write such wonderful poetry..actually i would go so far asto say He was your MUSE...nice to be tortured by our emotions and heart Lust ..good write..

[Ama May Cooper]

I dont thnk the mature ratng was even nessacary , one swear word, consderin the youngest writers will kno the word and shudent really tbh as writers be so childsh as to focus on it bu nevertheless.
I rather liked this piece, a shame that we cant choose who are heart picks adn i realy hope that at some poitn you find this man once again and even if no love comes of it that atleast he knows and understands how much his overlooking hurt you.