Life Before, With, and After Dove.

This is the beginning of what I hope I can finish into a three part story on my life before with and after my late girlfriend, Dove. this is a real pouring out of my heart, so please no flames, but i do appreciate any constructive crits.

 

 

 

Life Before, With, and After Dove.

 

You know, some days I just don't want to get up. Why bother? There isn't anything to keep me from simply lying here for the next decade or so, at least, not anymore. Once upon a time, I had a purpose... A purpose named Dove. But we'll get to that later. For now, just let me forget, let me tell you about my life, before Dove.

 

 

 

 

Part 1: Life Before Dove

 

 

I have never been one of those "In-Girls", the slender, golden, flawless girls who are the proverbial queens in the high school hive. Oh no. I was a drone. In fact, I was a freak. An outcast. A loner, and always have been. Now, don't get me wrong, I had friends, just not a lot of them. In elementary school, there was my best friend Amalie, and her friend Jessika. A little later on, we found Derrin, Christine, and Cori. Amalie was a golden, third generation Greek girl. Everyone loved her, no matter if you knew her for years or for less than a minute, you loved her. Jessika was the tomboy. Long red hair and pale skin that easily burned. She was the type of girl who had an easily forgettable face, or would have if not for her eyes. You see, Jessika had these amazing, pure gray eyes, like heavy rain filled clouds. I swore on my life that when she was angry, I could see lightning in her eyes.

Derrin and Christine were identical twins, and if not for the fact that Derrin was a boy and Christine was a girl, it would be impossible to tell the two apart by looks alone. Both were tall for their age, Mediterranean in their looks, impeccably tan with bronze-highlighted brunette curls that brushed their shoulders and eyes blue as the summer sea. But that is where their similarities ended. Christine and Derrin rarely got along because of their personalities, and often fought over trivial things because Christine was, quite simply put, a snob. She always had a way of looking down her nose at everyone, especially her brother who was gentler, softer, and quieter of the two. Derrin had always had a passion for art of any kind, music, sculpting, even digital art, but by far, he loved drawing the most. By the time Derrin was twelve, he was already an exceptional sketch artist, able to bring life to any sketch or drawing. He was most fascinated with drawing us, Amalie, Jessika, Cori, Christine, and myself would play and run about for hours in the sun-drenched fields behind my ranch house, and Derrin would sit against the wooden fence post, drawing us. Although he never told her so, Cori was his favorite subject.

Catori Black Hawk's Sioux heritage lent her a certain naturalness that none of us could match. She was beautiful, tall and strong with deeply tanned skin and obsidian eyes and hair, winged brows and sharp cheekbones. There was a deep stillness about her, even in motion, a certain peace that tantalized me, that drove me to a near obsession. I wanted to be so unconcerned, not uncaring, but simply at peace.

 

 

Reviews

[Timothy R. Berman]

The very first thing (and the very noticable thing) is the posting and formatting itself. I had to scroll completly down to the bottom of the window because there is a significant amount of space. Depending on what you are using for an Internet Browsing.... it makes it hard for others to read. The second thing I noticed is that the piece itself is all in one paragraph. This may be due to the way the text was inputed
(especially if it were a cut and paste job). I have done the same thing and had to go back and reformat everything lol.....

Now, as for the piece itself.

It didn't capture my attention right off the bat. First, it starts off talking about the narrator and how they are not of the popular crowd. Then, the piece takes on a biographical rendering of other people. Describing them with no interaction or interest.

Let us look at your opening:

have never been one of those "In-Girls". You know the type, slender, golden, flawless girls who are the proverbial queens in the highschool hive. Oh no. I was a drone, in fact, I was a freak. An outcast. A loner, and always had been. Now, don't get me wrong, I had friends, just not alot of them. In elementary school, there was my best friend Amalie, and her friend Jessika. A little later on, we found Derrin, Christine, and Cori.

One could go a multiple ways for this, depending upon the type of story you are wanting to tell. Always, always never use the "You know the type..." Telling the reader that they know something is both condescending and disinterested. Turn on your reader, not turn them off. Also (and I have the same issue at times in my own writing), avoid using "have been, had been, always had been, have never been". These words bog down the writing and stall the flow. Here is how I would personally rethink the opening.

I am not what you would consider an "In-Girl". The slender, golden and flawless girls who think they are the queen of the High School Hive. The kind who think that they are all that and then some. They are nothing more than fake characters who suffer from anorexia and delusions of grandeur. Compared to them, I see myself as being a drone, a loner and an outcast. Even though there are a few individuals I call friends, friends I have grown to love and enjoy having as a part of my growing pains. Friends from elementary school.

I hope this helps.

Would love to see more.

Timothy

[NCPanthersgurl]

I agree with Timothy in that you must separate these into paragraphs. It would make the reading much easier. But there is where my agreement with him ends.

I was definitely caught right up into your story. Your description is good, though I wish you'd built more into the characters personality's then appearance; because right now the reader won't care too much what happens to them.

As to your first paragraph, perhaps I lied. It does need revamping. BUT. I think for the most part it's okay, and it just needs the proper use of commas, semicolons, colons, etc. to make it a bit better.

YOURS:
I have never been one of those "In-Girls". You know the type, slender, golden, flawless girls who are the proverbial queens in the highschool hive. Oh no. I was a drone, in fact, I was a freak. An outcast. A loner, and always had been. Now, don't get me wrong, I had friends, just not alot of them. In elementary school, there was my best friend Amalie, and her friend Jessika. A little later on, we found Derrin, Christine, and Cori.

MY SUGGESTION:
I have never been one of those "In-Girls"; the slender, flawless, "golden" girls who are the proverbial queens of the high school hive. Oh no. I was a drone, perhaps even a freak; an outcast, a loner. I always had been. Now, don't get me wrong, I had friends. Just not a lot of them. In elementary school, there was my best friend Amalie, and her friend Jessika. In later years our little group grew to include Derrin, Christine, and Cori.

Well I hope this helps a bit. I tried to stay with exactly what you had written rather than adding more text. I think you need to edit what's there before you correct what's not broken. I can't wait to read more on this though =] You definitely have the potential to be a really good author, perhaps in the narrative field. Nice work!