Gone

If I were gone today, would the sun of your life shine yet another day?

Were I not fed aconite

from the said depths

of my mother's coal

black, frosted heart, I

would've, should've been

a pesky stain to dread

plastered on a glimmering

portrait of art;

a streak of gray striped

onto joyous moments of life;

a neglected treasure shining

not pleasure but rather strife

left astray, as my starving innards

growl day by day for the love

drained out my bloodless heart;

watching while you convert

my unbounded love into lust

for someone other than I;

no longer shedding tears

for the metal husk

left within me; yet even

that has begun to rust;

but hey:

both of our souls exist

more peacefully this way;

not having a glint of me

in your days; and finally,

the mental portrait shines

without a stain of gray:

for {thanks to you} I am

not here today.

Author's Note

Sometimes I ponder whether being lovelorned or being apathetic is better.
Photo courtesy of tifachan on Deviant Art.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

You have a very introspective mind.

Somethings, even in the most miniscule ways, are shared by all. I would lump the question of whether to live or die is among that shared experience. Or perhaps my opinion of that matter is only because I wonder that often myself.

The beginning is very strong, continues undaunted throughout the piece and is then wrapped up with a resounding thunder in the last few lines. The way you rhyme is pleasing to the eye and ear and I found myself smiling at the skillage (skills+knowledge) that shine through in this work. You convey emotion, and the lack of it, well. I do see the narrator as one who questions their lot in life with deep resignation and melancholy.

I am especially fond of the rhyming question in the description. It only added to my enjoyment of this piece.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Most people, or the lot I've shown, take a liking to the rhyme scheme as well; unstructured as it is.

[Caradoc]

It is subtle but powerful.

[Rhea752]

and finally, the mental portrait shines without a stain of gray: for {thanks to you} I am not here today.

This is a very powerful ending! once again your vast vocabulary astounds me!! well done Tai, I can't wait to read more of your poems :D

[Baby Ricochet]

"Were I not fed aconite from the said depths of my mother's coal black frosted heart I would've should've been a pesky stain to dread plastered on a glimmering portrait of art" WOW! That is so f*****g cool.