The Inner Curnings of a Angstful Heart

I was feeling mighty depressed. I like this guy, and I think he feels the same, but I keep hardening my heart to him. We would be each other's "firsts." Have you ever felt this way before?

What does it mean when your life starts sounding like a John Mayer song? With each self-destructive thought that forms, my body and mind begins to crave the company of another person. Maybe that relationship can bring a new beginning, a simple one where only the other person matters. As beautiful as that rings, I find myself at the edge of desire, standing so near to whom I crave, yet without the will to do something good for myself. With time, the proximity rubs raw. Fraying emotions are cut open, creating exposed grazes which seep crimson. Self-love fails. In effect, finding love does as well. When you can’t be brave enough to outright pursue someone you know feels the same way, who is at fault? I will only blame myself for feeling so strongly, yet denying myself. Can I not love myself?

In a generation of anxious and depressed people, I wonder if I am like the rest. I used to feel nothing. Now it is more like a vacuum or a negative sort of feeling. Some days are more intense than others. Some days pass like they actually matter. Some days I feel like I’m setting up to fail. Whatever it is like though, I will always come down to this depressed state. I think writing makes it better.

crimson scarlet blood-orange. red. The color of passion, sacrifice, or desire. love. It’s the color black would be if it still had a hint of hope.

Some nights barriers fall. Who rebuilds them with a hard heart? I do.

Why do you have to be around every corner? How do I move on when you stand so close to me? Please release me with your words. Confirm your need for me as I need you, or reject me. The former would be preferable to this festering lust. The prior. Could I handle it? Would I shatter with passion and quickly be subdued? Or would this yearning learn endurance and last?

I feel as if others, having found their home on Earth as well, have said these words before. These feelings are tied down to this life. I see the meaninglessness of what I feel, yet I can’t shake it. My demons have pulled me in tight, and now that I see the danger, it is too late. I have already been enticed.

Maybe all passionate loves between a man and a woman are doomed to fail. I see normal people working together as a couple. Could we tame the burning beast inside and calm our thirst? Or is this doomed to be purely a secret between two hearts? I cannot be normal. There are a whole lot of people out there, but I noticed that only you are like me.

Pick your reaction: love, confusion, or fear. (circle your choice)

Note to Self: Is this merely a love out of need? A thirst to be quenched and then forgotten shortly afterword? I cannot tell. The speed of it all is rather dizzying.

Author's Note

This is a bit of dramatization. Thanks for reading. I figure if you sat through this entire inner monologue, you can kinda understand the lust I'm feeling. It's universal.
He's a sharp looking guy, but the real attraction stems from something deeper than that. Pray for me. Comment if you have valid advice.