sunrise, sunset

All of the flavors of you are woven in my hair;
along with the sweet scent of summer still stuck to my skin.

I harvest rivers with the memories of that night,

the ones that so long refused to grow before then.

The spirits continue to sing in my lungs,
as the lingering laughter bounces between walls of my ribcage,
settling beneath the sound of longing crawling in my bones.

The faint wind carried my heartbeats through the hot air,
and you returned them with a smile that soaked through my clothes and made a home in my veins.

I remember the sun peeling itself from the sky and sinking into the night,
and how the stars began to rise as my wondering finally tumbled out of its corner.

My wondering allowed itself to rest upon your full lips,
and what grew of that moment was stronger than the shine of the moon above us.

Before I left, I made sure to create a horizon just for us,
and we can hide between the cracks of the sun,
dancing to the tale of how I fell for your light in the darkness.

Reviews

[bobc]

Laura...I quite like this piece...I really do...but I still have suggestions. (BTW, suggestions are always a take 'em or leave 'em proposition. It is your poem after all.) These are mostly places where you have words I think are unnecessary and can be removed without altering the tone of the piece. Here are two examples for you.

In the second line 'along with the sweet scent of summer...' might be simply 'along with the scent of summer...'.

Or how about the last two lines in the third stanza becoming 'as the laughter bounces between the walls of my ribcage/settling beneath the longing crawling in my bones'. (Maybe longings (plural) might work as well.)

There's more I could suggest but I don't want to belabour the point. You get the idea I'm sure.

Keep at it...bob

[Sami Khalil]

An amazing and enchanting write...Thank you for posting...:)

[ron]

Very moving and beautiul. Ths is truely a poem of love. Thank you for alwoing us to read your sweet words.

[Laura]

Thank you so much for your words, it really does mean a lot. I really appreciate your review!

[ron]

Thank you. It was a very moving peice. I loved it greatly.

[Acer]

The faint wind carried my heartbeats through the hot air,
and you returned them with a smile that soaked through my clothes and made a home in my veins.
..........
very nice, loved it indeed. Powerful words, well written, those above lines are lovely.

[fireblossom]

Your avatar tripped me up. You look thirteen but you write like you are thirty.

The use of your body and senses gives flesh and blood and bone to your feelings. A nice balance is struck between emotion and intellect. That balance is what we poets strive for, isn't it. We have a feeling to put on paper. We could simply open a vein and allow the patterns of flowing blood tell our story. (Many of us would well understand that poem) Bleeding out doesn't bode well for longevity, bringing us back to the delicate balance of words and emotion.

Your poem painted a picture with colors and texture mixed with space and time. Well done Laura.

[Amandaaa Caroline (:]

I agree.. This poem is amazing! It's beautiful. Sweet, romantic, full of imagery.. This poem really tells a beautiful story, great job (:

[Laura]

thank you so much! i really appreciate your comment. i was hoping somebody would grasp the imagery and the overall tale, so thanks for acknowledging that! :)

[Amandaaa Caroline (:]

It's no problem at all (:

[Jordan's Back]

This is Remarkably Perfect. Well described Romantic, Playful and Just Wow.

[Cate Mcgowan]

ALLITERATION IS BEAUTIFUL
I WANT TO LOVE IT.