Whistle In The Wind

The pitter-patter sound,

of rain drizzling on the roof,

put the baby to sleep tonight.

Tonight,

the house was quiet.

No crying came from the cradle,

or yelling in the kitchen.

Just the whistle in the wind,

and the pitter-patter of the night.

The baby lay so peacefully,

for sleep was so rare,

that when mom and dad were ready,

they listened to the air.

Just the whistle in the wind,

and the pitter-patter of the night.

A whistle was in the wind,

and the pitter-patter made the night,

while this house was so quiet,

as the moon shown so bright.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

for the patience of parents with colicky babes!!! i love the serenity in the mood you set in this poem .. i read some of the comments offering suggestions and agree with Wolfwind .. some of the articles and conjunctions could be trimmed .. someone told me one time (one of those stuck to me things) that starting lines with "the" can tend to weaken the poem ..
punctuation has been my bain .. i use to try and use it but once i started i only confused things more and more .. if you check your use in this poem i am sure you can see what i mean .. i ended up leaving it out for the most part .. using line spacing and the reader to pause where needed .. i know that is a cop out but one has to choose the battles we engage to become better expressionists ;)
love the mood .. i have four children and all slept thru the night within 2 weeks of being home .. i think God knew how inept we were as parents :)
E.
ps. we all did survive

[emma]

a really calming, pleasant poem. i really felt like i could almost hear that pitter-pat outside my bedroom window. great poem!

[00000000000000000000000..]

That was a sweet poem I loved it, Makes me want to go to sleep now lol!

[Wolfwind]

I really enjoyed how this piece brought across the sound of the rain and how through it's use of repetition in an off balanced way, it was able to place emphesis on certain key moments that broken the imagery so that one could follow the inner feelings of the parents in the house.

I did feel there were a few places that might have been tweeked a bit. There were a few to many small filler words that could be snipped out to smooth the flow a bit. Yet, I by no means does it take away from the value of the work as it stands.

What I really liked was how the piece changed it's wording of the pitter-patter line in the last stanza. It was an effective way to alter the flow smoothly, and replace the emphesis on the important feeling and imagery of the quiet house and how peaceful it felt.

Overall, I though you did a wonderful job at creating an effect poem that brings across a very peaceful and calming feeling. I felt as if I could step into the piece and sense the feelings that must have been there in the moment. Nicely woven ink!

Aaron - Wolfwind

[Chris]

I do not normally advocate change and I won't give MY words - it IS your work...but read your work aloud...and LISTEN to the rain falling within your stanzas. The end of two and three, then the middle of four.

Chris