Motel

With peeling paint, dank lobby, and bathrooms best not mentioned, the motel was little better than a hovel. She didn’t care. It might as well have been the finest room in the largest castle in the land. Like the one the princess lived in. Alone, she talked her way in with lies about Mother and Father checking in later, she paid cash, in advance, so no questions asked.

She lay back on the bed in spite of the stained sheets, staring at mould creeping its way across the ceiling. She smiled. Even as her concealed black eye and swollen jaw protested, she grinned. Even as she felt her lips draw across the gap where her front tooth once was, she beamed. Just like the princess must have, finally free of the ogres and trolls.

They couldn’t find her here. Mother and Father couldn’t find her there. No more listening to heavy footsteps climbing the stairs, the latest beating getting closer and closer. No more curling up into a ball, tight as she could as the blows rained down. No more lying to all and sundry about falling down stairs and walking into doors. It wasn’t quite a happily ever after, but it was the first step towards one.

Author's Note

My response to a writing exercise with the prompt "Motel". Any criticism would be appreciated, Thanks.

Reviews

[Howling_Wolf]

You painted a very vivid picture in my mind while I was reading this. Job well done.

[Kathrin S]

That sounds like a great opening to a short story, or even a book. Loved the fantasy element you hinted at - it made the story more interesting and makes me want to learn more about this world the girl lives in.

"Alone, she talked her way ..." I would put a full stop after "later".

"They couldn't find her here. Mother and Father couldn't find her there." Why did you decide to use 'here' and then 'there'? I found that confusing.

[Diamond]

It looks to be such a great ending for a painful past and a humble beginning for a hopeful future. I am sure you are soon coming up with the continuation for this writing. This looks more like a prelude that can definitely make the reader wait for more. Good one.

[barleygirl]

I love this. I was dialed in on the first few sentences. I know what it's like to live in an abusive environment, so I instantly recognized where you were going with this . . . the little flaws in a cheap hovel of a motel are NOTHING compared to the RELIEF of getting away from one's tormentors. I could already feel this part of the message before getting to the 2nd paragraph where you detail the abuse. You have told of the scenario using recognizable details, but also being original in your description of things. I also love the ending note of hope . . . not the finest digs, but it's a new beginning. So heartfelt.

[Shannon]

A powerful little reflection. I am sure you were going for brevity, but I might suggest a bit more about how she got to motel. Saving money, an escape, something like that. Well done.

[Celie Rose]

Enjoyed your story. Interesting write.It would help reading it aloud to yourself first, then edit.Helps to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Overall, story is well written and expressed. Keep writing!

[Anthony Wayne]

Thanks for your review,

Are there any spelling errors I missed?

[Lord of mad men]

Very well done. Your word choice is great. It was easy to read and told a story. It has me wanting to know more of the girls story. Past,now. You did a great job describing the hotel and you are right about the cash equal no to little questions being asked. I hope you write more and describe the girl just as we as you did the hotel. You did a great job!yours truely a mad lord

[Tabby Mac]

Very well written. It leaves me wanting more.

[Stanley R. Teater]

I love writing exercises like this. Have you thought about expanding it into a full story?

[Anthony Wayne]

Thanks, I haven't really thought about expanding it, but I will consider it

[Marina]

I really like this style, short yet able to portray perfectly a state of mind that is sensitive and dark.