Chapter 1 (2) 15/15 Alive Day 1

THERE WAS A PROLOGUE BEFORE THIS!!!! PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVEN'T

Disturbed and angry voices spilled out. “Bullshit! How do you expect us to do that? You’ll be lucky if you end up surviving! Where the hell are you?” 

“Now, now! No need to get so angry! This should be exciting to you deranged college students! Killing someone! Getting away scot-free with it! Doesn’t it sound exhilarating? Fun, even! And I don’t care how you Do it! Blunt objects, poison, hanging, stabbing, strangling, I don’t care!  But there is one specific rule that just might stop you from wanting to do this… The class trials! If you do happen to get caught in a trial after murdering someone you will be immediately… Executed!”

 Nobody spoke a word. This was wrong, and they all knew it. Kill someone? We would never do that. “Ah, but I haven't introduced myself, have I? Silly me, forgetting basic manners.” The voice said. “Ahem. My name is Samael. Pleasure to meet you all! I’m making my way up to you… Right now!” 

Everyone was confused. This crazy person named Samael was coming to us? Isn’t that a one-way ticket to being killed by one of us? Maybe he’s not so smart after all. Sky suddenly spoke with a bit of a quiver in her voice. “I’m sure this is all a big joke and the real entrance ceremony will start when Samael gets here… Right?” 

Xavier suddenly stood up. “I’m still killin’ him either way! This is messed up!” 

Suddenly, the big gymnasium entryway doors opened. Everyone was incredibly shocked to see what appeared to be an eleven or twelve-year-old boy. “Hello, students! I am this school’s principal, Samael! I’m responsible for making sure you don’t die of starvation or anything besides the school’s students!”

 Suddenly, Xavier lunged forward and grabbed Samael by the throat. 

“Tell me this is all a joke and I’ll let you go!”

 “That’s no way to speak to your principal, Xavier Ranaro.”

 To our horror, a small blade was taken by Samael and Xavier was quickly stabbed in his hand. As he let out a scream from the sharp pain, some students ran over to help him. Samael turned to face the others. “I know I may look like your average middle schooler, but I am anything but. To be completely honest, not even I know who I am. I guess I’m sorta like a, kinda, uh, I don’t know! But that’s besides the point. You see what happened with ol’ Xavier over there? That is exactly what will happen if you happen to try anything on me! Oh, and one more thing. If you want to have two people commit two murders, it’s a stupid idea! Only the person who killed the second victim can graduate and leave!” 

This guy’s insane, I thought. “Okay, students! I’ve assigned each and every one of you your own room, so head on over to the dorms and cozy up! You’re gonna be here for a while unless you finally decide to kill!”

 He let out a small laugh and dismissed us. Even though he was gone, er, no - even though he seemingly teleported away, nobody moved from the gymnasium towards the dorm rooms - their new forever rooms, and they 

stood still, frozen with fear. Sky spoke.“This is a joke, right?” 

It didn’t seem so. Why go through the trouble of designing a humanoid figure that can understand human speech and communicate with us for a simple joke? If it was a joke, it was definitely a cruel one. After about 2 minutes of sitting silently, Xavier was the first to leave, hoping to find a washroom for his hand. After enough time, Landon Robinson spoke his first words of the night. “I already know I’m going to hate you all,” and he stepped out. “Don’t kill each other day one.” That was the last thing anyone said within the walls of the gymnasium that day. I remember the last thing I did was head to the room with my nameplate on it, switching off the power that lies within the room, laying down, and going to bed.

Author's Note

weird issue at the end, ignore

Reviews

[JayG]

• Disturbed and angry voices spilled out.

Spilled out of what? Here’s where you lose the reader, because as read, this is meaningless, Your reader needs context as each sentence is read.

• “Bullshit! How do you expect us to do that? You’ll be lucky if you end up surviving! Where the hell are you?”

So...someone unknown is complaining to someone unknown, about being asked to do something unspecified—someone they don’t seem to know, and who isn’t with them.

This makes sense to you, because you begin reading with backstory and context. But the reader has words in a row, and no context to make them meaningful.

• If you do happen to get caught in a trial after murdering someone you will be immediately… Executed!”

Seriously? Name me one school in the real-world world where they have “class trials.” Name any school, anywhere, with the authority to execute students.

Obviously, you’ve been playing Danganronpa, and are setting your story in that world. But the reader doesn’t know that, so, this line makes no sense to that reader.


You’ve fallen into the most common trap in fiction—one that grabs over 90% of hopeful writers—and are transcribing yourself playing storyteller. But that can’t be made to work for lots of reasons:

1. When you read it, you place emotion into the narrator’s words that the reader can’t-know-to-do. Have the computer read the story to you, and you’ll hear what a reader really gets.
2. Because you begin reading this chapter already knowing the story, the characters, and the backstory, you’ve left out critical information that seems too obvious to mention, but which the reader needs to make sense of the words.
3. Without the emotion provided by the emotion that only you know belongs in the storyteller’s performance, the reader has a storyteller’s script that must be performed to work, but with no clue of HOW you want it performed.

Bottom line: They’ve been refining the skills of writing fiction for centuries because nothing-else-works. So while you have the plot, the desire, and even the necessary perseverance, without use of the skills that the pros work so hard to perfect, the rejection will come quickly.

The solution? As Wilson Mizner put it: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”

Grab those skills and you stand on the shoulders of giants. Skip that step and you rediscover all the traps and gotchas they know to avoid.

Not good news, I know. But because our own writing always works for us, the problems are invisible to you. And who addresses what they don’t see as being a problem?

So, grab a good book on the basics of adding wings to your words, like Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, or Jack Bickham’s, Scene and Structure, and dig in.

You’ll be amazed at how much of it is obvious once pointed out.

And you might check a few of my articles and YouTube videos. They’re meant as an overview of the traps and gotchas that catch most of us.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Logan]

Hi Jay,

Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my work. I appreciate the depth of your feedback and the resources you’ve shared, especially the emphasis on clarity, structure, and reader immersion. You clearly care about the craft, and that’s something I respect.

That said, I do want to offer a bit of context. My story is intentionally stylized. It’s inspired by Danganronpa, yes, but it’s not a direct copy or fanfiction. I’m building an original narrative within a death-game framework, and part of the appeal is the surreal, high stakes setting where execution trials are part of the world’s logic. I understand that might feel jarring without immediate grounding, and I’ll take that into account when revising the opening.

As for the “spilled out” line, fair point. I can see how that lacks anchoring for a first-time reader. I’ll revisit it with fresh eyes and make sure the scene opens with clearer spatial and emotional context.

I’m still early in the process, and I’m learning as I go. Your critique reminded me that even when a story feels vivid in my head, it needs to translate cleanly to the page. I’ll keep refining — not to strip away my voice, but to sharpen it.

Thanks again for the push. I’ll check out the books and articles you recommended.

Best, Logan

[Logan]

also, the 'context' is in the prologue. this is technically not even the first chapter

[JayG]

• My story is intentionally stylized.

In other words you ignored everything that has been learned over hundreds of years on what readers react well to.

You’ve forgotten that your intent for how the reader is to take the wording doesn’t reach the reader. So it’s each reader, and what your words suggest to THEM, based on that reader’s life-experience, NOT your intent. In evidence, as to the success, or lack of it, of your approach, no one else has commented.

Never forget that when you read your own words you place emotion into the reading that the reader can’t know to do. Have your computer read it to you to better understand why that’s a problem.

• and part of the appeal is the surreal, high stakes setting where execution trials are part of the world’s logic.

And because you’ve played he game, and know the setting, and more, before reading the first word it works. But the reader turns to page one not knowing even what planet it takes place on.

• I’ll revisit it with fresh eyes and make sure the scene opens with clearer spatial and emotional context.

That won’t change anything because you’ll still be using the fact-based and author-centric nonfiction skills we learned in school. Never forget that Fiction Writing is a profession

Universities offer degree programs in it. Would anyone take such a course if the skills being taught over 4 years were optional, and our schoolday skills worked? Of course not. So no matter your sincerity, your dedication, and the value of your plot, use report writing skills for fiction and the result will read like a report. It has to.

I well understand your desire, and need to tell your stories. It’s a disease I suffer from as well, and something I’ve been doing for about 40 years. But desire, alone, isn’t nearly enough. Learn the skills of the profession and you know what captivates the reader, and the traps to avoid. Skip that step and...

Here’s a link to download an excellent book on the basics. It’s an older book, but still, the best I’ve found. Try a few chapters and you’ll see how much there is to learn, and how much easier those skills make it.

https://dokumen.pub/techniques-of-the-selling-writer-0806111917.html

• also, the 'context' is in the prologue.

Nope. It only says that someone of unknown gender, in an unknown place, and of an unknown age and background, was invited to attend an unnamed school for unknown type of education.

Plus, it makes no sense that a school from which the graduates ll became rich would be in the condition stated.

And, it ends mid-sentence. So no, it doesn’t provide context for the opening of chapter 2.

[Logan]

Hi Jay,

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate your passion for craft and your commitment to helping writers grow — that comes through clearly in your feedback.

That said, I want to clarify a few things about my approach.

Yes, my story is intentionally stylized. It’s not meant to mimic realism or traditional literary structure — it’s a surreal, high-stakes narrative inspired by death-game fiction, where the rules of the world are intentionally disorienting at first. That’s a genre choice, not an oversight. I understand that can be jarring for readers unfamiliar with the conventions, and I’m working on ways to better bridge that gap in the opening chapters.

You’re absolutely right that intent doesn’t always translate to the page. That’s something I take seriously, and I’m actively revising to ensure the emotional beats and spatial grounding are clearer to the reader, not just to me. I’ve already made adjustments to the prologue and early chapters to help orient new readers without sacrificing the tone I’m aiming for.

As for the broader point about learning the craft: I agree. I’m always studying, reading, and refining. But I also believe there’s room for experimentation — especially in genres that thrive on tension, ambiguity, and psychological distortion. I’m not trying to write a textbook perfect novel. I’m trying to write something that hits hard, even if it breaks a few rules along the way.

I’ll check out the book you linked, I’m always open to new tools. But I’ll keep shaping this story in a way that feels true to its world and characters, even as I work to sharpen the delivery.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Best, Logan