The Narcissist and The Cheater

Guys and gals, I just wrote this and it's in the process of growth. Any ideas etc... would be appreciated!

Your voice reverberates in my mind

I succumb, inevitably, to your affection

Though, I am impartail to your lust

I confess

Your kiss-your breath

Makes my ego numb

For in your arms there's sweet protection

I think

centuries could pass

And I'd recall-always

The sensual look in your eyes

However

Your heart is a transending thriller

Running rabid through the woods and

Your vacant soul divides us-forever

As we spontaneously find ourselves

In the same erotic labyrinth

We understand our excitment is wrong

Creating a terrible tradition of secrecy and grief

For I know

That I am but a mere ornament

That will be taken  down at the end of December

Author's Note

This is my newest poem and I have not yet gone over it, so please feel free to give constructive advice. Thanks!

Reviews

[Mark D. Chevalier]

To me, this poem speaks of the temporary, or of the forbidden love. I like the imagery of an "Ornament that will be taken down at the end of December."
The part about the "vacant soul" I found intriguing, as it gave me the impression there was some unrequited love, or at least unreciprocated. The piece as a whole gave me the impression of both happiness, and sadness. Many times I see poems that give only one theme, or one emotion and you pulled this off very nicely.
I thought it was diverse, and in context. I don't know what I would recommend honestly. I'm a story writer more than I am a poet. But I do know that each of us has a unique voice, something that calls each of us to write as we do. And I think your writing is beautifully done. :-) Thank you for the read request!
M

[Jo March]

Your vocabulary is brilliant. I wish I could write like you.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

"impartial"--spelling..

"your kiss--your breath make my ego numb"

i love the last two lines..

use me and put me away...so sad...the narcissist who thinks he can have any woman...the woman who can't resist, but then as an awful case of the guilts..

lots of emotion in this.

jacob

[The Cougar's Den]

I think
centuries could pass
And I'd recall-always
The sensual look in your eyes --- I only wish I'd written this myself.

GREAT WRITE!

[The Bard of Antioch]

now this is beastly amazing. This reminds me of my life now. This to me is about those relationships that you find yourself in that you know are going to lead you to an end of pain.

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wow deep write ,with alot of emotons well wriiten

[The Scanners See Sound]

While the subject matter didnt take me for a loop, the sound presentation and language was solid.

Personally, I think if you could re-work it to be a lot more esoteric or something; no, to make it a lot more cryptically symbolic instead of so obvious, thereby giving the reader something to interpret more freely rather than experience a clearly presented topic, I think it would be more thought-provoking.

But as it stands, yeah, it's a solid piece.

[Michael X]

Metaphorically enhanced memeories of a love gone the way of dust sweeping across a loney road,
one can feel the drowning effects within your well written piece, i like the fact you chose not to
punctuate, as it accentuates the form, the use of winter as an emotion draws upon the cold,
abandoned aspect, as expressed within the heartfully projected details..beautifully done, thanks

[Rodney Russ]

I wouldn't change anything about the poem. The last two lines bring clarity to the piece. It's safe to say that everyone who reads the piece will come away with something different.

[Michael Handel]

I like this a lot...I wouldn't change it...I think you spelled impartial wrong but other than that this is a great poem.