A Portrait of Melancholia

We may not truly know the hearts we are born of though inherantly we carry who they were inside us. Both the good and ill traits.

A Portrait of Melancholia 

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

“But that afternoon he asked himself, with his infinite capacity for illusion, if such pitiless indifference might not be a subterfuge for hiding the torments of love.”

― Gabriel García Márquez

I knew her before love

She was painted sorrow in diffident smile

Disenfranchised of amorous conceit 

An aphorism of solitude's auspicious nostalgia 

In the gelidness of hollow soul.

In youthful longing's intent before an empty fountain 

"Give me eternity, and in return I pledge apathy"

A thousand hearts broken, a thousand loves lost

In a ship of foreboding misery on a sea of troubled waters 

Beauty's lonesome endeavor is deepest price paid

We are mystery to one another

Father to son and mother to daughter 

through inherent qualities we come to know each other

Not all are born under the guise of love, but the need to be

I will paint you a picture of her; before love

A vision harsh and cruel yet truthful in tribute 

I did not know her, but knew of her

Mother; how can I forget 

In this sincere portrait...

Author's Note

Thank you for reading this work. Feel free to comment on or leave your thoughts. CLE

Reviews

[emmajoy]

'I knew her before love.. ' ' She was painted sorrow in diffident smile '

'Have wondered why people mock melancholia as if it's a flaw. Depression is understood because is more the norm. To literally suffer the slings and arrows of living within walls ice-cold and either silent or bedlam is.. a cloak one never sheds. There are more melancholy people these days than have been in the recent past, say statisticians - still counting. What you have written is a canvas electric.. it shocks. Truly shocks. Your words are.. preciously tragic.

(Marquez: 'One Hundred Years of Solitude' ?)

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

This is an absolutely beautiful response and truly thoughtful as well to this piece. It defines exactly the purpose of this poem and why it has come to exist. And to answer your quote on Marquez; yes. Thank you Emmajoy for your kind words on this poem.

[emmajoy]

True as felt.

[Lydia Shutter]

Bittersweet and poignant, your words paint a bleak picture of a family without love. Unfortunately, this is a situation that happens all too frequently. There is much to look at between the lines of your poem. Well written. Lydi**

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Lydi for your thoughts on this poem. You are absolutely correct that there is much between the lines. Also perhaps I may not have tried hard enough to reconcile and because of that I myself may have only added to the angst. This piece only speaks of one side of the perspective, that being the son who felt treated with indifference. Out of the three sons she had I was the one who was most like her. Perhaps that was reason enough for her shame. I believe in the end it is not to say she didn't care, just not enough to ever be truthful, nor look upon me with anything less than shame. As I have mentioned before the mirror to me reflects back to my eyes a portrait of her which truly is bittersweet. Thank you again for your thoughts on this work. I truly appreciate it.

[Lydia Shutter]

I hope putting your emotions into words is a catharsis for you!

[Pete]

a deep word with far-reaching colors with which to paint and express life, feelings and emotions probably the greatest of which is love captured or lost. thought-provoking. well done ... :)

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Pete for your comment on this work. It is a complex and emotional write that speaks to many things. I hope that anyone reading this poem may take away something unique to them from it. That the words and emotions resonate with them in some relatable way. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this poem.

[Laz K.]

Melancholia is a beautiful word, and, in a strange way, a beautiful feeling. It's more intellectual, artistic, and philosophical than sadness. I think that without melancholy, we wouldn't have art.

Recently, I watched a great film called "Melancholia." I recommend it wholeheartedly. It's a Lars von Triers picture.

I cannot add anything new to what other reviewers have already said about this poem, so I'll leave you with this: well done.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Laz for your thoughts on this poem. I agree wholeheartedly with you on the word. There is a bittersweetness to it. One that I come to recognize now in my elder age. Its reflective nature has given me wisdom and an education in spirit. We cannot change mistakes and choices of the past. We can simply adapt to the consequences forging forward in the new paths before us. Von Trier is an amazing talented director. He is bold and uncompromising in his art, which I admire immensely. Thank you again for your comment, as an admirer of your art, I truly appreciate the kind words.

[Pauline]

There is such a heaviness to this Carlos. A sadness that ran through members of my own family and struggled to come to terms with. Years and years of heartache with no remedy. The term 'accept and move on' is the only way to go sometimes.

A very well written piece Carlos. Take care.
Pauline.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Pauline for your comment on this poem. Troubles are like broken levees of the heart. When they break the waters can destroy everything in their wake. Some roads home are forever lost in the destruction but other paths are forged. That lead elsewhere to safer pastures and other hopes. It has been 12 yrs since I last talked to any remaining family members, but for once I feel at peace and safe from the sorrow. In a good place. Thank you again for your kind thoughts. I truly appreciate it.

[Pauline]

You're more than welcome Carlos and pleased that you're much happy these days.

[andrew mitchell]

Only a steely resolve protects us from pain and or tragedy that not only cuts deep but leaves a scar that only time can lessen. Nicely written as you do.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Andrew for your thoughts on this poem. It's true time does heal wounds an eventually lessens the pain. Makes it more bearable to live with. We are all the culmination of our defining scars and they reflect the battles we have survived. And continue to live through. Thank you again Andrew for sharing your thoughts.

[Chris Shaw]

There is a thread of sadness in each line here Carlos. Such a pity that such distance sits between parent and child. The child is paying the price for a parent who for so many varied reasons is unable to form loving attachments with their offspring. We have it in our own family. Many grandparents step in to try and resolve a problem. Many do a stirling job, but that doesn't erase those negatives which can stay lurking in the corridors of a child's mind for a lifetime. I so understand the emotional pull of this poem.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Chris for your understanding thoughts on this piece. It was difficult to write because of its truth that still resonates even now in my mid 50s. Some fractures in life will always remain so as some things will always be a mystery. But we get glimpses of their truths in the things we inherit from our parents. Both seen and unseen. Years ago in my early 30s I asked her to be truthful with me on things that were family secrets and she couldn't. She was evasive and saying I wouldn't understand. It was a painful moment to come to terms knowing she didn't love me enough to be honest about anything. That I would only have to learn from other family members that knew these secrets. Despite me trying so hard not to be like her I have found that I am and it breaks my own heart having to admit that. I write things like this poem to remember these truths because to read my own words back about them actually give these ghosts less power over me now. I am too old to continue fighting them so I come to accept I can never change what happened and simply live with their whispers. Writing this melancholy down lessens their sounds. Thank you so much again for your kind words.

[Chris Shaw]

If the whispers are lessened by writing of what still hurts you, then write away. You have to consider your own welfare. Take care Carlos. You are an incredibly gifted writer.

Chris

[John the Baptist]

Most recover from the blows of life; some do not. The subject of this poem seems to be the latter. We are not advised of the specifics of her depression, only its effects. For some, tragically, a love lost produces a life lost. There are some wounds that do not heal.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you John for your thoughts on this piece. Some pains and wounds run deep and will never heal, although in time can be forgiven and hold less power over an individual. As we have learned mental health issues can be hereditary. It is a trait I myself shared with my mother, along with other things. I wish I could say I knew her but I really didn't growing up. Now in my older age I recognize many aspects of her behavior in me that I never thought myself capable of. This poem is a tragic piece for it's to remind that we may say we will never be like our parents but in the end it is not a choice we control for we inherit much from them we do not recognize till later in life. If at all. Thank you again my friend. I truly appreciate it.

[Coyote Poetry]

A wonderful poem written Carlos.
"I will paint you a picture of her; before love
A vision harsh and cruel yet truthful in tribute
I did not know her, but knew of her
Mother; how can I forget
In this sincere portrait..."
I loved the complete poem and the above lines. Could stand alone. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you CP for sharing your thoughts on this poem. This was not easy to write, as most things that require self examination in a life lived. And as harsh a reflection it is I recognize it is biased and one sided. But we writers can only write what we know and see through our eyes. Unvarnished truthful and painfully visceral an assessment. Things inherent by our parents are not easy to let go, especially things that can be seen in a mirror every time. For the mirror reflects a truthful portrait of who we are and will ever be. Thank you again my friend I truly appreciate it.

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful and worthwhile write Carlos and you are welcome.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Carlos! :)
This was an interesting read, full of feeling. Thanks for sharing.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Hi Matt it's good to hear from you. Hope all is going well for you and your family. And I also hope you're taking a little time for yourself to write more of your amazing poetry. I have to admit this is a pretty bleak piece that totally screams "Mommy Issues". Hahaha. It's also a self examination of certain attributes I have which were inherent. They can be self destructive if I continue to ignore and brush them aside. A person can't change until they come to terms that they have a problem. I guess in some ways I don't want to look in the mirror anymore because it reminds me of someone in particular. But I can't spend the rest of my days hiding from it either. It's a portrait I have to accept and move past. Thank you again my friend.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Interesting piece, Carlos.
Reminds me of my own mom a bit.
tough early life, lots of bitterness stored up...but loved the best she could...
wouldn't have wanted another.
Apathy keeps us safe...but unloved.
j.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you J for your thoughts on this piece. I don't believe that I actually knew my mom much. My grandmother was more a mother figure to me unfortunately. I just always felt that she wished she didn't have children or the responsibility of raising them, especially after my parents divorce it seemed to become more apparent. I feel what I do know are from particular bad attributes that I inherited from her which are not very good ones, especially when it comes to trust and relationships. I can't really put all the blame on her because at a point in time I simply walked away because it was too negative and impacting my life for the worse. So being much like her I was able to simply move on without ever saying goodbye or any other word at all. This melancholic poem enlightened me to the fact that I carry aspects of her in my heart for the worst then the better. They are inherent attitudes I need to change or I'll find myself on the same self destructive path as her. But to evolve from our vices one must first recognize them for what they are. And where they came from. Thank you again my friend for your thoughts on this piece.