From Outside

A story of dissociative disorder

From Outside

I watched a small girl with fading smiles and a broken spirit

I saw her cry alone, I heard her prayers to the God.  So sad to see as I watched from outside.

From outside myself I watched an angry girl as she tastes the burning alcohol for the first time and then she disappeared.  I felt so helpless.

I watched her innocence continue to vanish.  A w***e, and an addict, and much too young but I stayed and I watched from outside

I didn’t feel the pain of the men who used and abused her but the visions leave a sick feeling in me.  Luckily I stayed safe outside.  That poor girl. 

It didn’t hurt when the razor dug deep into her arm, I felt sad yes, but it did not hurt me from outside

I wonder if she felt it, I wonder if she liked it. I think she liked it. My God did she really like it?

I continued to watch, now a young woman.  She no longer gives her body away, oh thank god that poor little s**t got her act together! 

She is thin, much too thin.  She is dying but I do not feel it from outside.  I wonder if she feels it, I wonder if she likes it.  My God, I think she wants to die!  I watched, safely detached, waiting, listening to her speak softly to God “what is wrong with me?” she asked.  We both waited for his reply but heard nothing.  I got angry, she lost faith.

I watched this strong resilient young woman push through pain in search for faith.  I wish I could take that pain from her, I thought “I could take it all from her and let her be free” but I just watched safe from outside. 

I am still watching.  I am still watching her suffer and I still do nothing.  I still stay here safe outside.  I watch her hold her son and pray to God “please keep us safe” and we wait for his reply, and her son snuggles close to her and she cries, and I feel it, from the outside.