I hate you

You viewed my page again.

I hate seeing your name show on my screen as it lights up to show the notification. Why do you do this to me? Do you think the torture is fun? Do you like when I catch you looking, but won't say anything?

I hate when I see you in the hallway when I walk with my friends, and I see you looking at me. I wouldn't be so mad, but you watch with that look in your eyes. The way you smile at the sight of me laughing. You had me believing for a hot minute that you felt the same. 

Why am I thinking about you again? This wasn't supposed to be the aftermath. I'm supposed to hate you, yet, your smile and laugh won't leave my mind. Why? 

When you excused your staring as just being zoned out, I didn't think anything other than the fact that you didn't like me. But when you turn around fully to look, and we immediately caught each other staring, I knew there was another reason we caught each other so often. I never asked you about it, but we still catch each other's eyes in the hallway. Why? I don't know. I'm supposed to be spending time thinking about myself, and you're supposed to like someone else.

If you liked me so much, why didn't you say anything about it when I told you, when my friends told you?

Every time me and my friends pass you, I get pushed towards you. You just smile. You hear my voice, I'm pretty loud, and you turn to look. I know your voice, I know your back, I know you by your waterbottle. Every time you raise your hand, or bend to grab something, the first interaction runs through my mind. And it shouldn't. I should've forgot. But I haven't, and I don't know how to.

When I correct a teacher or another student about your name, I stop and think about how you told me your name was pronounced, and why you did it.

When another guy teases me about my grade on a quiz he made himself, I think about that time, where you sat, explaining your questions to me and laughing and making teasing comments about the grade I got. I remember how easily you flew through my quiz. I wish I could tell you that I only got one wrong, and I wish I could laugh at you for getting a lower grade than me on it. 

I hate you so much. It's almost funny. I wish I could just call you out on everything. I hate you for it all.

God, how I wish I did. I could never actually hate you. Not when every time you stare, I think back to all the times we laughed, and teased each other for the stupiest things. I think back to the fight over suckers, whether Fruit Punch or Butterscotch was better. When we traded, you touched my hand and kept it there a moment too long.

I'll forget this all by the summer and move on, find another guy or girl and live my life with them, and forget every time I talked about you or thought about you.

Author's Note

I wrote this my last few months of 8th grade, I think, about a guy who was truly the first guy I ever liked like that, and if I'm honest, i didn't forget and I still catch him looking.

Reviews

[JayG]

• My writing isn't that good, at least in my opinion, but it's my way of letting out thoughts and emotions.

That’s why you wrote it, and it makes sense to do that. But if you know your writing can be improved, why aren’t you improving it, and learning how to make it meaningful to-the-reader? After all, how many people are seeking to read a dismal damsel poem, complaining about someone hated by a person we know nothing about.

My point is that instead of telling the reader how you feel, make them feel it.

Instead of telling the reader that you feel sad, make the reader feel sad, or happy, or... As silly as it sounds, they’ll thank you for it, because for them, it’s an entertainment. How to do it is a learned skill, of course, but so what? The learning can be fun.

Poets have been perfecting the skills of poetry for over a thousand years. So, instead of trying to “reinvent the wheel,” why not dig into the skills that are known to work, and make them yours? Knowledge is an excellent working substitute for genius.

Try this: Mary Oliver’s A Poetry Handbook is a gem, and filled with little surprises. So, try a bit of it for size. You can download a copy here:

https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

[Elli🦝]

Thank you, I will definitely check it out!