Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Fall Apart

the cars passed over head, the tires splashing in the rain puddles. droplets of water fell threw the sewer covers, splashing onto his shoulders. droplets of water splashed onto his face, washing his tears away. his mask was soaked from rain and tears. his eyes were red from crying. he could feel his brothers lifeless eyes staring at him. the blood pouring from his neck stained the bandages on his legs. nothing was worse. nothing could be worse. he killed his little brother without knowing it. he knew that once Splinter found out, he would breathe his last breath.

Reviews

[Rynn]

"the cars passed over head, the tires splashing in the rain puddles." - Need a capitol 'T' at the start of a sentence.

"droplets of water fell threw the sewer covers, splashing onto his shoulders." - Again, need a capitol "D" at the beginning of a sentence. 'threw' needs to be 'through'. Interesting start.

"droplets of water splashed onto his face, washing his tears away. " - Capitol "D" is needed. I encourage you to acquire a thesaurus, they certainly help with word choice. This sentence sounds redundant because the only thing you've mentioned thus far is various types of water in the same way. I think it would sound more varied if we got a little more imagery and description to set the scene.

"his mask was soaked from rain and tears.his eyes were red from crying. -Capitol 'H' needed for the start of a sentence. Again, I don't think this line is needed because we already understand that it's raining and the character is crying.

"he could feel his brothers lifeless eyes staring at him. the blood pouring from his neck stained the bandages on his legs." - Capitalize the beginnings of sentences. I found this part interesting and would have liked more description. Remember that in writing, if you don't describe it - it's not there. You may see it all laid out in your head, but the readers will never see what you do if you don't let us in on the details.

"he killed his little brother without knowing it. he knew that once Splinter found out, he would breathe his last breath." - Capitalize start of sentences. I also think that this needs more introducing. It doesn't pay to be vague sometimes when it leaves your readers frustrated. It's okay to withhold information you want to tell us later, but you have to give the reader something to go on.

Overall, I have to say upfront that I am wary of fanfiction. I say that only because I personally find it hard to make characters sound believable when they are not of my own creation. That being said, I don't usually read fanfiction, but I can appreciate it as a genre. I know an adequate amount about TMNT, so I understood this, but I don't think anyone without a decent background would be able to follow this. If you are targeting the die-hard fans then that is your choice, but keep in mind that I still feel as though you need to give more information in general. I don't know which of the brothers is the main character, and their various ages had me guessing at which one was dead (I took a guess and decided it was Mikey). This is the start of a chapter, keep in mind that this is the time to explicate a little bit. It will set the tone for the entire piece. Unless you are writing a flash fiction piece intentionally, I urge you to elongate your chapters. Ultimately a chapter can be whatever length you want it to be, but as a general rule, they should at least have 2-3 pages at the least. It's also my opinion that if this is a chaptered piece that you should do some research first on the characters and world of TMNT. It's okay to add things that aren't true to the series, but the design of character is always an expectation in fanfiction. I suggest also studying the format of fiction and the style of the genre you are writing in. Grammatical errors are all well and fine, but it's good to learn those things early on such as sentence structure and proper use of punctuation. A book that really helped me learn some of the pitfalls of fiction writing is "How Not to Write a Novel" by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman. Definitely worth a read. You can only get better at your craft. Thank you for the read, write on.

-Rynn

[Nanaki]

Heading straight to chapter 2 now as you have me hooked. I want to know how he killed his little brother.
There were a few bit of grammar that needed correcting but I believe Rynn has highlighted in his review already so I wont add to it.
Nice job though.

[Miles W.]

A very interesting start. Like a flash fiction that draws the reader in rather quickly. Well done!

[Najam Us Saher]

He killed his little brother without knowing it ? how could he ?

[Sammie Sanchez]

im hooked,interested to read more c: