Crazed

In the craze our lips ignited

A fire fierce with rapture

She doth razed across thou and mine’s barest of skin

And flowed like steam through thou hands

As they grasped their tightest 

Fingers unable to gratify their need

 

Drawn helpless down into her hollow coals

We shun ourselves from the conservative world

And drown ourselves in heat and wild fascination

Addicted to the contact and solitude

We lay in the dark where eyes cannot pry

Where in each others grip the room offers sanctuary 

Author's Note

I don't know where to go from here. i need advice on where i should take this piece. i feel like it's too much like everything else out there and i want it to have character.

Reviews

[George Love]

Hot and steamy, yes like other writes. To make it your own, try using more imagery to make the reader see things in their own eye.

[Adela Muresan]

uuu =)
me likey!
itz so hot, and fresh, and classy :) you should definetly find a picture for it ,nothing porn , just hot.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

iT IS DEFINTIELY not cliche. This is a piece all on its own. A gorgeous poem. Each line is a poem in and of itself. Passion and love can be "crazed," and I like how you put that fresh and original flair in that idea through your words. good job.

kena sungoddess dawn

[Lady Shade]

There might be a little wordiness... or rather unevenness, but otherwise fantastic! I love the use of "addicted" which supports the concepts you already stated such as "grasped", "unable to gratify", helpless", "drown". It gives it a very strong uniformity and then blissfully draws to a close with the remedy of "sanctuary". Well done.

[Victor]

Wow! this poem has some great meaning within it! I like the descriptions you used of this heat igniting the mood of the poem, nice write!

[San Herman Lopez a.k.a...]

Short to the point but felt. Nice write!

[John Morris]

Firstly, this is a brilliant poem.

Some pointers i have notives, some lines seem way too long and seem jarring whilst reading them "We shun ourselves from the lackadaisical world" is the one that gave me the most problems.

Make the lines a more similer length and take away line 7's "and" i do not think you need it

Overwise a brilliant write.

Send me a couple of read requests.

Can You Hear The Silence? 22nd June 2010

[An owl on the moon]

This is powerfully spoken... the imagery of fire could surely be expanded into the life shared. Fire and light bring about that deepest sense of passions unleashed. So glad to see your writing again!