She was so Beautiful

Something I wrote for my university magazine.

18^TH of January 1994

 

She was so beautiful, but sadly she didn't herself the way he did. She saw herself as a monster which had bore another. Seeing. That's what started all this and now he feared that the way he had longed for would be her undoing.

 Her hair danced wildly in the wind as she looked over the edge of the building like she had done many times before. Slowly she turned towards the man she had called John and gave him a weak smile.
     "You promised", she said to him, her eyes looking directly into his.

He wanted to reach out to her but it was not within his power to interfere. He was only born with one power and to save people was not it. So he watched silently as the woman he loved take a step back. And then another. Until there were no more steps, only screams from the pedestrians on the street who were unfortunate enough to witness a suicide.  

Chapter 1 ~ Peter. 2^nd of February 2010 
 

Peter sat in his living room chair waiting for his eighteen year old daughter Lucy to get ready for school. He did a lot less sitting these days and Peter knew that Lucy was the reason for that.
      "Lucy!” he yelled from the living room, "if you want a lift to school your going to have to hurry it up" he added when Lucy still hadn’t appeared.
      Peter stood and his eyes were drawn to the photos on the wall. Peter smiled at the picture of Lucy when she was only five years old. Her rosy cheeks and rich black hair paled in comparison to the bright green eyes and cheddar cat smile she wore for the first day of 'big school'.

The girl who came down the hall was not that girl. Peter turned away from the photo and smiled at Lucy as he inspected her clothing. As conservative as he was going to get for a teenage girl. Lucy beamed her father a smile and for a few minutes he allowed himself to believe it was real.
     "Morning dad, I just have to grab breakfast and we'll get going. Have you taken your medication?" Lucy asked as she made her way to the kitchen.
     Peter nodded and tried to maintain a cheerful healthy facade.  "Great, let's go" Lucy said and Peter grabbed his keys.

 

The conversation on the way to school mainly flowed in one direction with Lucy telling her father all the gossip and happening at Edward James High. Peter smiled and nodded even though he failed to recognize any name and pop culture reference.

Pulling up to the high school Lucy practically jumped out of the car after giving her father a kiss on the cheek. Watching her smile at her friends and walk merrily into school Peter could not help but feel like a pressure was being placed on his head.

A nagging feeling that continued to remind him that all this, as much as he wished that it was, was not real.

 

Upon returning home Peter slumped into his favourite arm chair and breathed heavily. Keeping up an appearance of good health was taking a heavy toll on his body.

Sensing someone was watching him Peter stood up and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water and take his medication. As he slowly moved the feeling moved with him, slowly hovering as he made his way to the sink. Peter knew this feeling very well and while keeping up his masquerade he had temporarily forgotten its case. Turning around Peter put the glass of water down on the table and sighed a very deep sigh.
     “Hello John, that time already?” Peter said quietly.

Chapter 2 ~ Lucy 2^nd of February 2010

 

Lucy drew flowers on her notepad as she waited for the big hand to reach the twelve. A swift jab into her back sent Lucy spinning around to face her best friend Alisha Swots. The two had become friends early on the previous year and had been inseparable ever since.

“What are you doing after class?” Alisha mouthed at Lucy. Lucy thought about her father sitting at home relaxing in front of the television enjoying the rest of his medical induced holiday.

 “Nothing” Lucy mouthed back with a wink and Alisha winked back and they both instantly knew their afternoon would be filled with activities that always included “do you take EFTPOS?”

 Sitting back in her seat Lucy looked out the window and saw a familiar face, or lack there of, in black staring back at her. But within the time it took her to blink he had disappeared. Dad, she thought to herself just as the bell rang to signal the period was over. Standing up Lucy told Alisha she would get back to her about shopping, picked up and bag and ran out of the room. I can’t be too late, she thought as her feet pounded the pavement in an effort to get home. She felt a sting of pain on her right shoulder from her over sized handbag full of school books and her feet constantly reminded her that ballet flats were not ideal running shoes. But still she pushed on, she had to.

As she continued running down the street Lucy remembered she was missing one crucial thing and stopped instantly. She looked up and down the street and as it was just after school time surely enough a car came speeding down the road full of teenage boys. Waiting for just the right moment Lucy ran out into the middle of the road waving her arms and jumping. As expected the driver, in a state of surprise, swerved the car sharply to avoid Lucy but unfortunately hit a light pole instead.

Slowly Lucy approached the car and stared at the injured passengers inside. She recognised the driver, Matthew Dallas, but none of the backseat passengers. Matthew moved his head slowly to Lucy in what looked like slow motion and tried to speak.
     “I’m sorry” Lucy whispered as she watched Matthew close his eyes and his body turned lifeless.

 

Chapter 3 ~ Sarah 24^th of December 1965

“She shows some, but definitely not all, the symptoms of schizophrenia” the doctor said and Mrs Monash broke out into tears. Mr. Monash seemed to be trying hard not to do the same.
     “What…what is the next step” Mr Monash asked as he slowly removed his glasses from his face. “My little girl” he softly repeated to himself as the doctor went over the different types of antipsychotic medication Sarah would need to take and the people she would have to see. Sarah sat silently as the doctor and her parents spoke as if she wasn’t even there.

Ever since she could remember there had always been a man in black who watched over her. He wasn’t her father and he wasn’t a friend of the family, he was someone else. But it was not until Sarah was about four that she began to understand that no one else could see or hear him.

Four years on, what her parents assume was simply the imaginary friend of a lonely only child, grew into a disturbing problem which caused them to seek medical attention. Sarah hated the doctor’s office, the walls were all a pale white and the whole office smelt like glove powder.

The doctor explained to Sarah that her mind was just a little bit sick and that in order for him to make it better she would have to trust him.

As her mother continued to cry softly into a tissue Sarah excused herself and told her parents she was going to the bathroom. As she closed the door behind her something caught Sarah’s eye but by the time it took for her to turned around it had disappeared around the corner. A smile appeared on Sarah’s face. She ran down the hallway, out the door and into the small patch of grass which contained more weeds than flowers.

Standing out in the sun was the man in black. Looking back at the building Sarah took the mans hand and lead him where those inside couldn’t see her.
      “They still don’t see you” she said softly to the man and he nodded understandably.
      “You’re not meant to see me” he replied and Sarah smiled. “Let alone hear me” the man in black added as he began pacing back and forth.
      “Aren’t you hot wearing that?” Sarah asked as she began to fan herself with her hands and the man scoffed. “Seriously, its summer you don’t wear a cloak in summer. People will think your crazy…like…me.”
       The man in black stared at Sarah as she looked back at the building. “Of course no one else can see you so no one would think you were crazy” Sarah added with a sigh.
     “I swear Sarah, I’m going to find out why you can see me and I’m going to fix it” the man in black said and this time it was Sarah’s couldn’t help but smile.
     “Sarah! Oh Sarah! What are you doing out here! ” a familiar voice cried out to Sarah which made the man make a noise that sounded like a low growl.  Sarah knew he had a deep dislike for her mother. He had often said it was the way her mother seem to talk to Sarah as if she were an invalid. She came running over and put her hands on Sarah’s shoulders and shook her violently. “Don’t you ever run off like that again!” she screamed at Sarah and she began to cry. “What? What do you keep looking at” Sarah’s mother looked straight at and through the man in black as she tried to find what Sarah’s tear filled eyes kept moving to.

As her mother sternly took Sarah’s hand and lead her back into the building the Sarah could hear the man in black still making the promise. One day he would set Sarah free.  

 

 

 

 

Chapter 4 ~ Peter 2^nd February 2010

 

Waking up in his bed Peter felt strangely calm. He couldn’t remember how he had ended up in his bed or why he had been asleep in the first place.

     “Oh good your awake” Lucy said as she poked her head into her fathers bedroom and flashed him a smile.
     Still in a daze Peter tried to sit up but the room began to spin every time he moved. “Oh oh easy does it dad, you don’t want to over work yourself. Why don’t you just rest for now?”
     Peter nodded slightly and allowed his eyes to shut. As Peter drifted off to sleep he could see a bright orange flickering light surrounded by a dimmer yellow light. As Peter drew closer the orange seemed to melt together with the yellow until there was no orange left. And what stood in its place was a shiny new yellow colour burning brightly but not brightly enough to dominate the darkness no matter how hard it tried.

 

“It’s only a matter of time before the light goes out again” a far off familiar voice said to Peter.

“Is…is it you?” Peter replied and but no answer came. “Is it you. Sarah?”
           

The room was dark and although it took sometime for Peter’s eyes to adjust he could tell the room was no longer spinning. In fact Peter felt better than he had in the past few months. Lying there in his bed Peter knew this feeling. He ran his fingers through the little hair he had left before getting out of bed and making his way to Lucy’s room.

     “I am not abusing anything!” Lucy whispered harshly, “what do you mean and when he does? …Huh? Will you take care of me? No of course not! Besides what’s done is done and not even you can change it….Prolong? Yeah maybe but I am saving a lot of pain for many people….I am not being selfish!”
     Peter knocked on the door and Lucy spun around to see him standing awkwardly in the door way. To a normal person this whole situation would have been bizarre but Peter was use to only hearing one side of Lucy’s conversations.
     “He’s right you know” Peter said as he walked into Lucy’s room and sat down on her bed.  
     “I did what I had to” Lucy replied in a dark tone. “I have this power; I can use it how I want to.”

     Even when she was trying to sound stern and tough Peter could still see the scared seven year old girl Lucy had been when he first fell ill.
     “So?” Peter asked and Lucy turned away from him and pretended to fiddle with the things on her desk. “So?” Peter repeated and Lucy stopped moving but did not turn around. “Who were they Lucy?”
     “They were high school kids”
     “…Your school?”
     “One was….yeah”

     Peter hung his head and let out the deep breath he had been holding in. When this had first started, and Lucy would attack people she did not know it had seemed less…evil. But now she was getting desperate and the attacks were more frequent.

Looking up at his daughter Peter couldn’t help but feel his stomach disagreeing with their whole situation.

“Lucy you need help” Peter said softly and Lucy laughed.

“Seriously dad how would you even go about getting me ‘help’? All they would do is tell me that I’m crazy, call you crazy and while we’re locked away in some mental home you’ll probably…” her voice trailed off and Peter stood up and moved to Lucy.

“I’ll what Lucy? I’ll die?” Peter said dragging out the last word for as long as possible.
     Lucy cringed and Peter went to put his arms around her but she pushed him away, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.
     “And if you do? Then who will I have? You can’t die, I won’t let you. NEVER” she screamed at Peter and although he could feel his body going numb with fear he tried to remain as in control of himself as he could.
     “How many lives will it take Lucy?” he called out to her as Lucy ran from the room. “How many more families will you ruin to keep me alive? You can’t do it forever.” Sitting down on Lucy’s bed Peter heard the front door slam. “You can’t do it forever” Peter continued to repeat to himself softly and wished with all his heart that what he was saying was true.       

     

Chapter 5 ~ Sarah 22^nd March 1977

 

“He really is a nice guy” Sarah, now a twenty year old university psychology student, said to her longtime imaginary friend.

“Yeah most guys are when they want something” he replied with a smirk and threw himself onto her bed. Sarah smiled at him and continued trying to pick out an outfit for her date later that evening.

Looking at herself in the mirror Sarah would have never imagined this was how her life would be. Dating the guy of her dreams, living on campus and having a small, but tight, group of friends.

The only imperfect aspect of her life was lying there on her bed. She had given up long ago trying to convince people that the man in the black cloak existed and as soon as she did her life seemed to turn.

Her parents became happy, she suddenly became friends with the girls at school and her grades even improved to the point that she got a full scholarship to university. It was amazed Sarah how easy everything was once she pretended she wasn’t crazy.

“Just don’t let him try anything” the man in black added as Sarah’s door opened and Sarah’s boyfriend Peter poked his head in.

“Can I come in?” he asked Sarah with a smile and she nodded.

“Technically you’re already in when you asked the question but sure, come on in” the man in black added but of course Peter could not hear him. Even with that being the case Sarah shot him a look.

“You look beautiful Sarah” Peter exclaimed as he kissed her on the cheek. Sarah gave herself a quick look in the mirror and then grabbed her purse off the dresser. “I was thinking maybe we could go to dinner first and then you could come back to my place for movies and stuff.”

Sarah agreed and they made their way to the door. As she pulled it behind her couldn’t help but see the look that had appeared on the man in blacks face.

“Dinner and then movies at his place? Might as well just leave your panties here Sarah” the man cried out and for a second Sarah was stunned.

Never had her subconscious been so nasty.

 

Chapter 6 ~ Lucy 3^rd of February 2010

 

The night air was colder than usual and Lucy wished she had actually grabbed a jacket on her way out. Her father was wrong; she couldn’t just let him die. If he did what would become of her life, who would take care of her?

She had a gift, a gift that no one else had, didn’t that clearly mean she was meant to help him. Of course it did. She was giving this gift exactly for this purpose. Wasn’t she?

“I don’t know…were you?” a man said behind her and Lucy didn’t bother turning around. She knew who it was.

“My thoughts are private” she said and John laughed as he walked past her and disappeared.

“They maybe you shouldn’t project them.” John reappeared on the other side of the street in he’s characteristic black robe. He walked down the street blinking in and out of existence.

 Lucy continued walking on the other side watching with interest, she had never seen him do that before. “It isn’t natural what you’re doing” he said and Lucy continued watching but she couldn’t help the few tears that had betrayed her by exposing themselves. He had completely disappeared now but she could still hear he’s voice in her head.
            “She wasn’t natural” Lucy cried into the wind. “But you still wanted to be with her” Lucy’s voice trailed off as she stopped walking and stared at the ground.

“I loved her” John said as he appeared in front of Lucy and embraced her. “I loved her, and I love you. We’ll work through this okay but you need to stop what you’re doing. All those people Lucy, I know you can feel them.”

More tears fell as Lucy could feel her whole body stiffened. Of course she could feel all those people. How could she not. But her father’s life was more important than theirs. What kind of a person would she be if she just let him die?

“You would be human” John whispered and at that Lucy pushed him away.

“Human! You want me to be human!” Lucy screamed and couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. “It’s your fault I’m not human. I’m not human, I’m not ...whatever you are, I’m something in between that isn’t meant to exist!” Lucy crumpled to the ground and put her hands on her face.

“You were meant to exist Lucy” John said softly.

“Why” Lucy replied through her tears.

“…I…I don’t know” John said.

He helped Lucy up off the ground and cautiously held her. “Everyone is born for a reason. And until you fulfill that reason you’ll never know. So make sure you find out why you’re here Lucy.” John suddenly became rather solemn and Lucy knew this meant he had to go.

“Someone is calling…” John started.

“I know…I know. I’ll be alright. I’ll make my way back home” Lucy said and John stared at her before slowing dimming and then disappeared.   

 

            

Chapter 7 ~ Sarah 23^rd March 1977

 

When Sarah returned to her dorm room that night she couldn’t stop herself from giggling. Peter was perfect in absolutely everyway and he was hers.

She replayed the events over and over in her head. She smiled when she recalled when Peter had kissed her. When Peter had undressed her. And all that followed. It wasn’t her first time but it was her first time with Peter and that seemed to make it magical.

Sarah sat down on her bed and was so caught in her fantasies that she didn’t notice  the man in the black coat appeared in her room.

      “W***e” he said angrily and Sarah winced. She looked up to the meet the mans hate filled eyes.

      “He loves me” Sarah said.

      “I love you!” he screamed which caused to Sarah stand up and shake her head the man in black.

      “No” she said as she clenched her hands into fists, “you don’t get to do this because you aren’t real okay. You aren’t real. You’re in my head and I don’t care that your there. But don’t try to pretend that you care about me because you can’t because you aren’t real!”

      The man in the black coat stepped forward and put his hands on Sarah’s shoulders. This caused Sarah to feel as if a war was going inside her. One side arguing what she knew couldn’t be real and the other for feelings she kept hidden because she worried that if she were to loose control and express them it would feel like the most right thing imaginable.

Sarah could feel her face getting hot and it was as if the rest of the world was melting away. The man in black moved his face closer to Sarah’s and she tugged off the top of his cloak. She stared into his black eyes before she leaned in and pressed her lips onto his. This wasn’t the first time she had kissed the man she was certain lived in her subconscious. But this was the first time that she didn’t feel guilty when he returned that kiss.

      “You may not believe I’m real or that this is real Sarah. But I do love you.” With that Sarah allowed her wall of reason and logic crumble and lay down on the bed with the man in black on top of her. She knew she would probably later regret what she was allowing to happen. As the man undid the buttons on Sarah’s blouse she tried to think rationally about the situation one last time. But in that exact moment she it was as if she felt something unnatural to her. She felt free.    

 

Chapter 8 ~ Lucy 3^rd of February 2010

 

The unlocked front door was Lucy’s first hint that something was wrong. As she moved through the house she didn’t seem to sense that anyone else was home.

      “John” Lucy said and waited quietly for him to appear like he always did. She went from room to room trying to find her father but just as she had suspected he had gone. He’s most probably out looking for me, she thought to herself and that calmed her nerves.
            “John” she repeated and made her way to the kitchen to get herself something to eat. She had ran out earlier without dinner and suddenly found herself starving. Stuck to the fridge by a magnet was an envelope marked ‘Lucy’.  She looked around to see if John had arrived before grabbing the envelope and taking it with her into the living room. Sitting down in the chair Lucy had always dubbed her fathers she opened the envelope.

     

Lucy,

 

I firstly want you to know that you are the centre of my world. You are my whole heart and although it pains me to leave you I cannot let you continue hurting others to keep me alive.

 

Lucy’s fingers trembled and her eyes began to lose focus but she forced herself to read the note.

 

Please know that even though I will not be physically here to guide you I will be watching over you forever. Just like I know that your mother has been.  I know that, in time, you will understand why I did what I am about to do. I love you.

 

-          Your father

 

Sitting alone in her house Lucy stared at the note until it finally clicked. He was going to kill himself. Lucy stood up and without a second though Lucy ran out the front door and down the street. She had to find her father. She had to explain to him that a nice normal life wasn’t what she needed. He was her whole world and without him…Lucy couldn’t even begin to think of what her life would be like if she lost her father.

      “John!” Lucy said again and again he didn’t appear. Why was he ignoring her at a time like this? She needed him now more than any other time and he wasn’t coming. John was the only person who would know where to find her father. Turning a street corner Lucy ran in no particular direction. All Lucy knew was she just had to keep running. Eventually John would appear and he could tell her where her father was. She had fought her whole life to keep her father alive; everything she had done had been for him.

 

 

Chapter 9 ~ John 3^rd February 2010

     

      John stood as his old rival and circumstance driven friend stood in the exact place his wife had stood sixteen years ago. This had been the building Peter and Sarah had repeatedly broken into in their youth to have picnics on the roof. John smiled a little when he remembered what it was like to watch them and imagine it was him and Sarah spending time together. Peter leaned over the edge and stared at the empty street down below. It was a little after one in the morning and the town was completely dead. In the back of his mind John could hear Lucy calling him but chose to ignore it. Peter needed him more than anyone else at the moment.

      “I left her a note” Peter started off saying without turning around. “I left Lucy a note. Just like Sarah left me a note. I know there’s a chance you aren’t there John. I also know there’s a possibility you’re not even real. Maybe we’re all crazy” he added with a slight chuckle.

      “But I can’t let her kill others to keep me alive. The house is completely paid for and she’s legally an adult so she won’t have to go into foster care or anything like that. And I know…I know you will look after her. You will look after our little Lucy won’t you John? She’s as much mine as she is yours after all. She has my family’s nose, that’s for sure. But the black hair…I guess that’s your genetics…”

      John knew that no matter what he said Peter couldn’t hear him but he promised to look after Lucy for however long he needed her.

      As Peter stepped onto the ledge of the building John couldn’t stop himself from turning away. He had seen millions upon millions of deaths but none had affected him until now. Peter leapt and carelessly fell. John shuddered when he heard Peter hit the ground. There were no screams from the street below. There probably wouldn’t be one for a few hours. But Peter could hear one distinctive scream. Because it was came from the back of his mind and would forever be embedded there. It was the scream of a girl who had lost, what she thought to be, her reason for living.