gone

as i sit crying
i ponder what i did wrong
for you to scream and yell,
you took the wine and walked away
i felt your pulse and there was none
i wish i could tell you im sorry
but your gone
gone

Reviews

[SheActsLikeSummer]

I really enjoyed this. I love how it was so short and straight to the point, you don't get those very often anymore. It's a sad poem, though I can't actually feel very much of the emotion. Maybe I'm just not a very emotional person, but for this poem I find that you have to be able to relate in order to feel what the said person in your poem is feeling.
Normally I would find the lack of capitalization bothersome and/or careless/lazy but here I find it really works even if it was of the latter reasons there are no capital letters.
The fifth line kind of kind of edges me the wrong way. You say 'i felt your pulse and there was none'. This is kind of an oxymoron, it's crossing itself out if you know what I mean. First you're saying that you feel the pulse but at the same time it isn't there. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this or if it's just a little mistake. In order to make it more clear you could revise this line, change it to something like 'i felt your pulse but then there was none'. Like a follow up of the line before it, the pulse has disappeared with the person. Or, because the person has already left in the line before maybe 'you' are trying to feel the pulse but it's not there.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this, all it needs is a tiny bit of revising. I hope to read more of your work soon, which I probably will. Great job and keep writing.

[Rick Puetter]

Dear amanda,

An interesting piece. Quite a mature topic for one so young. Again a concise piece about an emotion-charged situation.

Very best regards,

Rick

[Admiral Kirk]

Great poem. It leaves the reader feeling what's in your heart, and it's great that you can do that. It's short and simple, yet wonderfully elegant. I can see it all happening in my head...

[Skye]

Very emotional and switched from each one very nicely. Great poem.

[Jordan Easley]

There's a lot going on in this poem even though it is shorter. I can almost picture the events occurring. Sometimes, the problem with writing a shorter poem is that you leave the reader unsatisfied with the poem as a whole. I think if you elaborated on certain aspects of the poem (ex:"took the wine and walked away...") then the poem would be even better. Nice try though. It has potential. Just edit it a little.