The Wisdom I never had

I had a fight with my Stepfather last night. I cannot explain the details or to be misunderstood. Back then, when I cry. I used to make letters and pages of my written words, writing the unexplainable feelings while my tears kept pouring. Rage, Sadness, are the two emotions I mostly felt. I cannot put Ease because I never did. But there was once a time or maybe thrice.

Whenever I got the chance to talk with my Grandma, normally, without my emotions fueling up inside me, I'd always ask her about my Father whom I thought I have never met. There were times where, his face would flash every time I close my eyes and my heart would flutter sometimes but not in that way. Something I could say Comfort.

On 2019 Father's Day I was still young. I saw my classmates hugging their father, kissing their father's cheek, or giving gifts to them. Normally I wouldn't care, but I'd thought about it. Every year I would sit in a bench under a big tree in my old school. But something changed, originally I would buy a heart-shaped chocolate and sit on that bench. Suddenly a familiar voice called my name, I turned around to see my Uncle. It was my cousin's Father, I went closer to them and took his hand to pressed on my forehead. In my Country it is called. "Pagmamano". I told them I was gonna sit on the brown bench near the big tree. My Uncle told me that I should celebrate the day like any other kid. If I could remember. I didn't feel any discomfort at all. I just simply nod. My Uncle took my left hand and we went walking. I almost felt like I was in a dream.

I had many father figures in my life or I call them "the callers of my wisdom", but the one who was supposed to be my only wisdom never came to me. I lost someone special twice.

My first father figure. Was my Grandpa though he was ruthless to my Grandma he was abusive to her. But somehow I felt glad that he died first. Because who knows that he didn't die first?

John Benedict was my second. I fell in love with him just in a quite short time. It was only one day before I confessed or maybe hours. I was still on my school hour when the rain started to pour heavily. The skies darkened with greyish color. A thunder collapsed on our school almost like a scream from the Gods. In my classroom we were shocked and the lights started to flicker. Like a movie series. But in that moment, I didn't even realized something was wrong.

12/16/24, 6:55 PM
that was the time I received the message. 

Cj told me that Jb died. I didn't believed him because I thought they were pranking me and I also thought that he already knew that I liked his cousin. (JB).
17 Morning, the whole classroom fell silent, cries started to erupt more. Than loud screams itself. I had my prepared confession letter in my bag. I was touching the prepared bracelet chain in my skirt's pocket. I never realized it. We went to his house the next day after the school ended. His face looked nothing alike when I was playing around with him during the sport's fest. But that's the way of accepting reality.
But in that time. Reality didn't mattered at all. I wanted to escape.

I was the MC on Christmas Party, It felt like something weighted on my shoulders. Almost like I couldn't bring myself to speak. And my Teacher was scolding me, telling me that I was her biggest disappointment, and my President handled it.

Then I blinked, and suddenly I was on the Farewell Party, four days before my Graduation. JB's father went to our classroom and told us that he was mesmerized because some of us wrote long letters. I was the first person to be mentioned. He spoke up, and I didn't. I refused to say it out loud. And some time later, he bid his farewell. My instincts told me to run to him. I ran, and right before he was about to go right to the gym. I told him everything. I cried and cried and cried. Mumbling those words, and some people was passing by, and was shocked that they saw someone crying, some whispered and I didn't even dared to listen to their words. He hugged me and something developed inside my heart. 
He visited my home, and hugged me again. I felt his wisdom coming inside my brain. A part of me felt his inner peace.

The Wisdom I thought I would never need it, gave me the chance to explain, to feel, to fuel the wishes of my anger, the longing for my desire to anything I could hope for.

I never told somebody that I never saw JB in my eyes.

But I also never told them that I can't see him in my vision. I see him in my thoughts
not the current eye I see.

I remember writing a letter to my Dad after my graduation. I always hoped that he would come to my Graduation.

Is this why I can't find Love?
Even if I started to regret.
I always ignore people who speak longer
But I am also the person who speaks longer

than words, or paragraphs.

I speak in things that can’t be written.


Today I learned that even If I obtain, learn, held, given from the wisdom from everybody.
I would never gain The Wisdom. That I never had, from the Person who gave me life. Though with no peace, nor violence in between.

unwritten but never finished.

Xoxo,Alex.

Author's Note

If you don't really get it. Short answer. The wisdom represents my father. And although there are many father figures in my life and I gained their love and support (wisdom). I never got the chance to feel it towards my real father. Must he have said it to me while I was a baby? I never know.

Reviews

[JayG]

This is you, talking about things meaningful to you. But this isn't a blogging site. For that you need a site like Wordpress. So...what's in it for the reader? For them, it's someone unknown talking in general terms, about things meaningful to themself, never giving the reader a reason to care.

• The wisdom represents my father.

"The" wisdom? What wisdom? The father isn't mentioned as being alive in what you posted, nor are their words or actions. So, what wisdom?

Here's the deal: While I certainly support your desire to write, you need to make it meaningful to the reader. They come expecting to be entertained.

So, look into the techniques of writing fiction, and present a story, one the reader will enjoy.

[Davidgeo]

This is the first review you didn't use ChatGPT for in at least 2 years. I'm actually proud of you Jay. Keep it up, maybe I'll stop dog walking you verbally.

[JayG]

Ahh...the shmuck's back, getting pointers on what's wrong with his writing, too.

[Davidgeo]

I'm just glad you didn't use ChatGPT for this review. It's a step in the right direction for you. Keep it up.