Owner's Manual for the Human Male

Please read, "Instructions for Use", by Shelley Holt-Lowery, in order to understand this piece's purpose. A link is provided below.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/MrsLowrey/962542/

OWNER’S MANUAL

HUMAN MALE, MARK 1, MOD 0

 

INTRODUCTION:   Congratulations on having acquired your HM1(0). When used according to Manufacturer’s Spec, this simple tool ought to bring you significant pleasure. The Purchaser would be well advised that, despite the best efforts of Triumvirate Manufacturers, this device has rarely performed to expectation, and should be dealt with with extreme caution. It is still in a development phase"far beyond that deadline when it ought have been in regular production, and thus should be handled as though it were an experimental device, or, at the very best, a Prototype.

 

CAUTION:  The Device before you has both exceeded and (more often) fallen shy of its design protocols. It seems to perform to maximum capacity in but two tasks: Copulation and Destruction, and many would argue the former. It has furthermore somehow managed to meld these two program initiatives into a new subroutine, tentatively labeled  Destruction by Copulation; of this, more later. Triumvirate Mfg. is seeking to dissociate these two protocols, never intended to have been joined, as it is felt that their association is counterproductive.

 

ROUTINE SETUP AND USE:  

1] Though designed to be utilized in conjunction with Human Female, Mark 1, Mod 0 (HF1), your implement seems under normal operation conditions to prefer the company of other HM1s, one of many design considerations presently under investigation. When in the presence of one or more HF1s, though, sudden and inexplicable changes of shape and volume may occur simultaneously. If you are also the operator of said HF1s, you would be well advised to initiate the Skeptical and Piqued design protocols, included with your Owner’s Start-up kit.

 

2] The HM1, as mentioned earlier, can be managed to maximum efficiency when data and programming input are kept to a minimum, and in close proximity to the desired  result. Its RAM drives have the tendency to spontaneously combust when overloaded with data it cannot process with its unilinear  drives, and has been known to dump all recently acquired data without warning. HF1 operators should therefore be cautioned to program their devices to  determine their input goals in advance of the download, rather than at some point during same.

 

3]  The needs of the HM1, under routine conditions, are few and simple, being Food, Copulation and Association with other models of similar needs. The Copulation subroutine, though occasionally distasteful, seems to the Manufacturers to be of maximum utility in keeping your HM1 hewing as closely as may be to its initial purpose. Reports have been received (though not corroborated) that this protocol, accomplished in a noncritical and not infrequent manner, can and ought to prove beneficial and even pleasurable to both these models. It should be noted that if the specified criticality and frequency parameters are not met, the rogue program mentioned above, Destruction by Copulation,  may self-initiate. HF1s will recognize that program by the HM1’s sudden and unexplained need for not-previously-required absences to or from work or other scheduled activities, and ought immediately to take ameliorative action, preferably in non-terminal fashion.

 

4]  Triumvirate Mfg. assumes full responsibility for having released the HM1 model in advance of thorough debugging procedures. Release of the HF1 shortly thereafter was Phase One in Our redesign protocol. Under ideal circumstances (admittedly rare), it is felt that your HM1 may provide you with years of dedicated service, and even, occasionally, pleasure, noting of course, that the HF1 is far and away the more sophisticated device, and responsibility for the success of that venture rests largely in its hands. Programming your device carefully, and utilizing the patience the HF1 is capable of, will maximize both the duration and degree of your new device’s utility. Good Luck!

Author's Note

In order to understand where this piece is coming from, I feel you ought to first read Shelley's piece, a link to which is provided above.

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

LOL! This is too funny, and I really love Shelley's piece, the inspiration for yours.

[Marie Anzalone]

Design protocols be damned! Just give me something a lady can sink her teeth into from time to time. I just these things came with the ever useful self-replicating ding alarm to warn when the girdle springs and capacitative fluxes were about to go haywire on me.

Destruction by Copulation? Sounds to me like the only way to go.

This was a great romp, Mark. Thoroughly enjoy your humor and wonderfulness.

[The Rhino]

That is clever! Too much truth in that to not just let go and laugh. I look forward to reading what else you have come up with.

[JM Russell]

I haven`t laughed this hard in days. Please don`t take this down. A truly exceptional piece of humor and a little lesson in ``Destruction by Copulation``. Shelley`s piece is good but, I like yours better.

[Mark]

Thanks JM...and I won't tell Shelley what you said, for both our well-beings!

[Katie Lynn]

This definitely made me giggle! Great job on this, it's very enjoyable to read and very entertaining.

[emmajoy]

Between you I think you've covered all parts of universe and example! Brilliant writing from both .. cleverly utilising this and that. Even the more techno references made me laugh, however quite slowly as i'd exhausted my grey cells and they pleaded breakdown in communication!

Love the caution following the Intro .. laughed aloud, too much!

Thanks Mark, good to see your writing is still there top of the pile. :)

[Mark]

Thank you my precious friend. I can't imagine your grey cells becoming exhausted. As to the techno references, it was necessary (I felt; less so at Shelley's) that I actually made it SOUND like an Owner's Manual for a purchased RTU product--That's Ready To Use, BTW, as "Plug and Play" would be too gross a double entendre, even for ME!

[Lena M. P.]

Mark this is spectacular! Laugh out loud funny. If you don't mind I plan to share a link to this to my friends outside of WC. They will thoroughly enjoy this. (Especially my daughter who is completely the last month of divorce proceedings!)

[Mark]

Thank you, Lena. Permiso gladly granted! Have you seen my tribute to David yet?

[Lena M. P.]

Yes I commented on it too. It was touching and very well written. Thanks for the permission.

[Mark]

Uh-huh...which I discovered about ten seconds after posting this inquiry...D-U-U-UH!

[Tate Morgan]

Men so simple arent we.A dog a truck and a girl or two or three and we are as happy as we can be lol
Set To Roam

[Marie]

I've read Shelly's piece; yours is a good companionfor it.

[Mark]

Thank you, Marie--I'd not have published it had she not already agreed with your assessment, and permitted me to use the model.