Chutin' the Bull

Two bulls try to figure out what goes on in the chute.

Chutin’ the Bull

 

SAM: As bulls, shouldn’t we have been told up front about the chute? All we get are generalities about the food supposedly tasting better, which isn’t true by the way.

BILL: Absolutely. Roger did the chute yesterday, and now look at him.

SAM:  He’s a totally different bull.

BILL:  It’s complete bull crap.

SAM: “I feel lighter on the hooves” Roger says to me yesterday. I pressed him for details and all I got from him was a stupid grin and some gibberish about “our spirit selves.”

BILL:  Lighter on the hooves? Hmmm, maybe it’s a weight loss thing?

SAM: I don’t think so. I asked Roger if the hay tasted any better and here’s what he said. I wrote it down so I could get every word: (reading) Hay…a summer’s day. Its stems are reassuring in their consistency, golden tips like fingers reaching toward the sun.

BILL:  That’s pretty good, but you’re right; Roger would never say stuff like that.

SAM: Maybe they hypnotized him?

BILL: Sam, I’m having a lot of anxiety. I’m supposed to go into the chute tomorrow.

SAM:  Let’s seize this opportunity, Bill. After you’re done in there I want details; no poetry, no happy this or religious experience that; just the facts, my brother.

BILL: I’ll try.

 

(the next day after Bill goes into the chute)

 

SAM: Okay, Bill. I’m ready to hear about your experience. And remember, just the facts.

BILL: Alright, brace yourself. First they secure you in the chute by trapping your head between two metal bars.  Then, they cut off your testicles with a pair of pliers and toss them into a plastic bucket. After that, they…

SAM: Whoa whoa…slow down. They cut off your testicles?

BILL: Yes, and at that point you’re bleeding pretty badly. To stop the bleeding they press a hot iron on the wound…you know, to cauterize it.

SAM: Oh God.

BILL: There is quite a loss of blood when your testicles are removed.

SAM:  Gee, I never would have guessed.

BILL: Then, they use this very long needle and inject you in the neck.

SAM: Pain medicine, I hope?

BILL: No, I think it’s some kind of vaccination.

SAM: I’m gonna be sick.

BILL: After that they brand you.

SAM: Brand you? What’s that?

BILL: It’s like a tattoo, but instead of an electric needle they use some other kind of hot iron.

SAM: Jesus.

BILL:  I know it sounds unpleasant, but…

SAM: Unpleasant…that’s your word for it? 

BILL: Sam, you’re not gonna believe this, but…I am experiencing a blissfulness that’s hard to put into spoken words. Listen, my friend:  in order to convey the nuances of the chute experience more fully, I wrote a song about it earlier today.

SAM: Don’t sing. Please, not now.

BILL:  Maybe later. Anyway, I’m glad I was able to recall some details about the chute. That’s what you wanted, right? Details?

SAM: It was better when I didn’t know.

BILL: …