Dreamland

An escape from reality

My days are like a night of storms...
Their smiles all faded like the evening sun...
All I ask for is a bottle of rum...
To grant me sleep and pleasant dreams...

Author's Note

What do you think?

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You have the issue across in the lines to the reader...though I would revise for clarity and give this a bit more for the audience...IMPO...here is what I mean:

My days are like a night of storms...
Their smiles all faded like the evening sun...
All I ask for is a bottle of rum...
To grant me sleep and pleasant dreams...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My days are a night of storms...
Smiles faded like an evening sun...
All I ask is a bottle of rum...
Grant me sleep and pleasant dreams...

Takes out unnecessary words --- yet gives more with less...but do as you please...this is your verse after all...

[Dave]

Your suggestion is very sensible. I'll keep that in mind.
Thanks indeed!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You're welcome...I read both your titles...left something there also...Good day...

[Shaquana Adams]

I love the simplicity of this poem. It's the same thing I think when I've had a bad day and then can't sleep. Great job! :)

[Rossen]

Not gonna tell you its short... I will say, I think life wrote this and you where the closest poet around.
nice dreams- Daves not here! ~ bountifully said love to see more like this,
Rossen

['stiltskin]

Brief and effective, it conveys clear meaning and in just a few lines you say much; it is sad but not desperate and serious yet relaxed - excellent...:)

I don't want to give a percentage.....100% yours...:)

rog

[wordwarrior]

Well done, short but I enjoyed it!