Renee

A description of a woman once loved

A tomboy

Tall, lithe, strong

Freckled, hair a cute bob

Her hand had fit to hammer

Her hand had penned poetry

And stories retold as

She fit me perfectly

Before that first night’s fire 

Talking through the night

At sunrise

Fit me perfectly abed

But she chain smoked

When her demons roared

This brilliant woman

Left high school for a tour of Italy

Fell in love with a boy

Fell in love with the language

Speaking only English

Enrolled in an Italian university

Became fluent

Returned to Seattle 

Took a degree in linguistics

But she chain smoked

When her demons roared

Camping on the banks of 

The Chihuahua River

Round midnight her lighter

Fired, lit the tent

Lit her anxious face

Between her deep draws 

Of tobacco smoke

She pleaded to be taken to a hospital 

I said we had to wait until dawn

I feared she would set the tent afire

As she chain smoked

As her demons roared 

We made the long drive back to Seattle

Went from hospital to hospital

At sunset found her a home

A month later

We renewed our fit

But some rhyme had been lost

Soon she placed herself 

In yet another locked down ward

Disappeared from my life

I began to struggle with my own

Severe anxiety

Wondered if mental illness

Could be contagious 

I abandoned her.

Decades on

Having made my own voyages 

Through detox and suicide watch 

I know, I understand

The need for community, safety 

And meds

I know intimately her need

I would not now leave her

But I did

Probably my biggest mistake in life

I abandoned our love

I abandoned Renee

I was a young fool who left a woman

Who chain smoked

When her demons roared

Author's Note

This was very difficult to write. These memories still fill me with shame, with pain, with sorrow as I wonder what might have been.

Reviews

[Thomas W Case]

Brilliant writing. You grab the humanity and tame it.

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you Thomas, as always, I appreciate your reading and your kind words.

[RomaJ]

Michael, this poem is heartbreak rendered in painstakingly precise detail. Renee’s brilliance, her fire, her demons..they all live in every line. I love how you trace the contours of her life and your shared history, not as a sanitized memory, but as something raw and unflinching. The repetition of “As she chain smoked, When her demons roared” becomes a haunting refrain.

There’s both guilt and empathy here..your self-awareness and acknowledgment of the young fool who left her make the work profoundly human. It is a meditation on love, loss, and the consequences of choices, as well as a reflection on mental illness, care, and understanding.
..Roma

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you so much Roma. Always love your very thoughtful reviews

[Desert Knave]

The repetition of the chain-smoking pair really accentuates the cycles that come with being involved with someone with mental health issues. Anyhow, quite the read. ~Jim

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thanks, Jim.

[Jansy]

This poem hangs in the air like smoke at midnight. I felt the push and pull of love and fear, devotion and caution. “She chain smoked, when her demons roared” - that line carries a whole universe: fire, fragility, brilliance, chaos. It’s raw, honest, and heartbreakingly human. You’ve captured how love and regret can live in the same heartbeat.

-James☆

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you James. This was difficult to write. Memories of her I kept tightly bottled up, didn’t want to let them out.

[Chris Shaw]

A painful reflection on what ifs. She had her demons, you were young, inexperienced in these matters, with hindsight and time you look on with different eyes. Many of us would deal with situations differently with the benefit of gained wisdom. She was brilliant, she shone in many ways, she was imperfect. We all are. You loved her, She must have felt that love, but then you started to struggle yourself. You had to deal with you, so you lost sight of her while you had your own problems. Guilt is such a pain in the backside and it does like to haunt us with our ghosts from time to time. A poignant write Michael. Moving to read of the struggles with mental illness young people can suffer from.

Chris

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thanks for reading Chris. My own struggles with depression and severe anxiety robbed me of so much in life. I have written quite a bit here of love and other women I have known. This is the first time ever, and probably the last time I will write about Renee. I want to just lock those memories away somewhere where they will not haunt me.

[Chris Shaw]

A great way to deal with the past. Poem it forever. She is not forgotten, She was loved.