For You, Girl

For you, girl. You know who you are.

Oh go ahead!

Look at my torn, ragged overcoat 

Of loneliness.

For so long

I have fasted of love

But I kept my medicine bag filled

With memories of you

I howl in the night

With memories of you

I seek the bottom of the bottle

With memories of you.

I pluck and splatter words upon the page

With memories of you

Come

Come to me

I am the Treasure in the Ruin

You are seeking

Come

At least for a cup of coffee

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

These words are brimful of regret for past treasure. Painful to read. Deeply felt emotion here Michael. Well done.

Chris

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you Chris, much appreciated.

[Chris Shaw]

You are welcome poet.

[W. Barrett Munn]

I like your approach; I wonder if you spend an equal amount of time in revision.
The reason I mention that is this question, both for me and for you: in the opening tercet, does it need to be spelled out that your ragged overcoat is made of loneliness? Is there a better way to get that message across?

Instead of "of loneliness" maybe a period and a new sentence. It's filled with loneliness.
And perhaps there is something with more oomph to it that "look".

Just some random thinking. You've got the deal down, though. I've always had the itch myself to make things as perfect as I am capable.

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughtful review. Sometimes, when a poem just seems to write itself, I do very little revising. But more frequently, I spend a considerable amount of time editing myself. In this poem I am actually speaking directly to one person in real time more or less. She does not write, but we also communicate by text and email. I chose the language to affect her and her alone. The treasure in the ruin is a reference both to myself and to Sufism which would have special meaning for her. There is a common misconception that the word Sufi is derived from ancient dervishes wearing wool overcoats. I began the poem by stating in a very subtle manner that I have “exchanged” overcoats, exchanged identities.

[Rosie E C…]

This is quite the approach.

Vivid, and a firm inner voice throughout.

No sugarcoating it, a lot of raw emotions in this.

It reveals a quiet sadness, a moving impact and a lack of closure to the reader.

I’m getting an impression of a situation created by the obvious ghosting.

A lot of unanswered questions. An intriguing read.

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you Rosie for both reading and reviewing.

[Soren]

The pain of having lost something of value that only after the loss is recognized. This poem screams of regret and the desire to recoup what is gone. Nicely written

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you Soren. I’v been living in the past lately.

[Soren]

You are most welcome. That is a hom4 with no doors

[Kady R.]

Hiii Michael!!!

What a beautiful poem!! The wantingness and desire of being with someone. I like the metaphors you used here such as "I am the treasure in the ruin". Here's to hoping you get to have that cup of coffee with her🤗🤗🤗

[Michael Sun Bear]

Thank you Kady. The quote is actually a slight paraphrase of a line of poetry written by Rumi centuries ago. It is commonly heard within Sufism.