Best Man (If I May Say a Few Words)

Is this thing on?

I hate it here and I'd be better off dead!

Now that I've got the theatrics

out of the way,

can you tell me what a body does? 

Isn't it swell how people like to talk? 

Me, I like to count my blessings:

sounds and air, for two. 

In a mock murder trial,

I'd like to play the victim

and scare the jury silly,

and at my first birthday

I'd like to play the single candle

and let me snuff myself out.

I won't tell you

what I wished for, 

Paul, cause

then it won't come true! 

Since you asked me nicely,

I'll grant thee hints of three:

If I could make the universe,

I'd make it just the same:

I've got no other reference.

Don't blame me,

blame whoever put

me or God or Him

in charge. 

lt's sweet how we all miss 

home and like to kiss

goodbye. 

I'm a fan

of the molecules

that tell me what's what, 

I'll give them that. 

You're out of hints,

I'll phone a friend. 

My big fat dirty secret

is that I'm doomed

(eternally) 

and a little out of shape. 

I'm underbaked,

underweight,

and deathly bored. 

I sense

that I've outstayed my welcome.

Here's to the groom

and there's to the bride

since you're all

so fantastic.

Don't f*****g touch 

me, Paul,

I'm wrapping it up. 

Sweet dreams!