you forgot my forever

i'm lost

        in the lyrics...

   of the song

 we once sang.

 

                     i'm hiding

                behind the promise...

                               the one

                  you never kept.

 

       i'm shattered

                 under the stars...

                      that you poured into

     what used to be my perfect sky.

 

                        drowning...

            in pieces of my broken life.

                                once loved...

   until you gave up the fight.

                                 pain like lightning

             searing across a clouded sky.

 

            with each breath, i bleed.

     i lose another drop...

                    a part of me.

Reviews

[The Good Luck Victoriou..]

I like your spacing; I like how every line feels like it's the end of a thought/topic, but the line after it builds on it and takes the idea in a new direction.

The only suggestion I have, is maybe you could create a rhythm by having the same amount of syllables in each line and prose.

[T. J. Blackburn]

I like the imagery and the curving structure of you poem. However I think the last line weakened your poem. Cutting it out would make it stronger, less cliche.

Otherwise, very nice.