if only

Once the day is gone- we cannot change the success, the failure

I thought I did well, they told me I did well.

Every kick, every punch, every strike-the precision with which 

She implemented every move.

"I'd never measure up to her skill"

Envy and hatred ate away at me- everything came so easy to her

Yet I had to work so hard- 

did you think I could genuinely be happy for her?

When...

Everyone loves her-"she's so independent-she can do everything"

They'd say and it'd only accentuate my failure

I told myself I did horrible -even if they told me i did well

Cos i knew that I was better- I was talented.

And I will and could be the true martial artist

That she- surely- could not live up to

So humiliating- my competitiveness kills me by the day

I know and i can't help it

If only i had tried harder, asked for help

perhaps, put in a little more effort, work

But now- the only substance eroding away my brain 

Was anxiety and refusal to work harder

If only...

Reviews

[JayG]

• i thought i did well, they told me i did well

So...an ungendered someone, who's unidentified so far as age and location THOUGHT they "did well" at something unknown, because an unidentified number of unidentified beings told them so? How can that make sense?

For you, who have context, it makes perfect sense. But you talk as if the reader ALREADY has context for all those unknowns. And a confused reader is one who's turning away right then.

You're writing for yourself, and not taking into account the reader's needs, so the piece can't work for anyone else.

• but id never measure up to how amazing she is

1. You're not texting. So use punctuation and capitalization. It was developed for a reason. Readers EXPECT it, as an aid for HOW to read the lines.

2. This far too generic an approach... Measure up? In sports? In height? In knowledge? As an actor? As a stockbroker? You know. The one "speaking" knows. The reader—the one it was written to entertain? Not-a-clue. And to set a mood, it's a necessity that the reader has context.

The skills of poetry have been under refinement for centuries. Dig into those skills and you skip rediscovering all the traps and screwups—which, when you think about it, makes a lot of sense, because knowledge is a pretty good working substitute for genius.

[merlino]

Dear JayG,
Thank you very much for reviewing my work.
I firmly believe that the beauty of writing often comes along with mystery and ' i thought i did well, they told me i did well'
ties in an emotion- of expectation and a feeling of a lost, unjust reality- I truly was hoping that this mystery was what would encourage the reader to discover more and relate to a moment they may have felt the same emotions that i have described- feeling lost, comparing and feeling lacking in ability.

1. Thank you for your advice and your review- i have edited my work and would appreciate any more advice- my punctuation and capitalisation are indeed errors throughout my work that do need to be edited and improved.

2. I've attempted to add context to my poem in my editing - i hope it is enough context and it does -hopefully- succeed in entertaining

Thank you so much for reviewing my work and putting in your interpretation as I believe that it will help me to greatly improve my work- I'm grateful beyond words.