April Thirteenth

trigger warning

gagged and bound for seven years
lied to the cops
lied to my teachers
lied to the doctors,
for you.

"Cynthia, I need to speak to you after class."
"OOOOOOH YOU'RE IN TROOOUBLEEEE"
"Is everything okay at home?"
"yep."
"are you sure?"

you dropped me off
screaming
you picked me up
screaming,
I sat quietly and listened. 

at four o'clock I could relax
at five o'clock I'd climb a tree,
high enough to be invisible
-nobody's prey that day-
and I'd sit quietly and listen

for the slammed front door
for the vocal crescendo 
of whiskey
and church w****s
and moms who run marathons.

if my pencil broke at school,
I'd watch it.
If someone picked on me, 
I'd watch it.
It's hard to bully someone who cannot respond. 

the person I love most in this world-
when she's angry enough
loses human facial features,
becomes the ghost of someone dead, but evil.
she believes your lies ten years later.

I never want to look gray like that
with purpled, black eyes
that roar and say nothing at the same time
but I've seen my reflection and it looks like 
you

I saw him

who's rage was it?
why did it follow me here?
Why does his red plaid shirt
matter in my dreams?
I never met the guy 

I never met him, 
but I took his pocket knife
and a bottle of smirnoff 
to a forest at three in the morning 
and went at myself like I was him

ride home after a drunk phone call,
"you look like you just killed someone."
Close, but not yet- I have two years left. 
I put band-aids on quietly, and listened.

We said nothing and got high together.

I hope he saw all of it.
He looks just like you
with two minor differences-
eye color,
and sentience

and I kept my f*****g mouth shut like a good girl

first, I thought 
the roots of my family tree
must be under my skin
must be at the bottom of a pill bottle
must be on the other side

but now I know
nothing happens when you die.
Nothing happens, and it isn't. 
Nothing happened, Cynthia.
nothing happened
nothing happened

You aren't, you aren't, you aren't. 
No, I don't want to go for dinner with you.
I'd have to sit quietly and listen.

Reviews

[Marina]

A strongly conveyed write, Scarlynn. Truly no holds barred with your lines here. There is no easy solution for your predicament other than to protect yourself, love yourself, grow yourself....and then get the hell away. Some brutal imagery here but so well written. 💛