The dealings of grief

dealing with my depression

Im angry. Not the normal kind of angry that happens when someone upsets you. I am the break all of dishes in the cabinet angry. The scream until no voice comes out of my throat kind of angry. I am angry not because someone hurt me but because I believe I have failed as a daughter, wife, sister, mother. I believe that I have let everyone down including myself. Maybe I am angry at a person. Not the normal kind of person but instead the person who died and left me. Everyone says they didn’t leave me they are inside me, they are part of me. I must be broken because the part of me that was them is no longer around. I feel empty, not the oh I have not eaten anything kind of empty, I am the my chest feels hollow kind of empty. I am angry at everyone and no one all at the same time. I don’t know if it is the chemical imbalance in my brain or if this is what grief feels like after years of bottling it down. I do not blame them, well maybe I do.How could you leave this world when you knew how much I love you? How could you not fight another day? I have been fighting another day everyday since you left. Why was my love not good enough for you to realize it was to soon for you to leave. I needed you. No I need you everyday is a constant battle between being sad and angry but today I let the anger win. No one understands the pain in my chest the voice in my head telling me I can't be angry because I almost did the same thing but I am angry. I know some of you didn't have a choice, sickness took you way to fast for any of us to grasp, but others made the decision to leave to soon. I wish I wasn’t angry, I wish I could forgive you but forgiving you would mean I have to accept you’re gone. I can’t accept you’re really gone. Thats when the pain comes back. It’s like losing you all over again, I’m stuck back in the moment right before I found out, the pain suffocates me and I can’t breathe. I hear no one around me, the world goes quiet, not completely quiet it’s like my heads stuck under water. All i hear are whispers, I can’t fully make out what they are trying to say. Then bam like lighting struck me the whispers becoming yelling. I hear the world but no one hears my silent screams for help. Once I snap back to reality I put on my brave face and smile. Not the kind of smile that reaches my eyes the fake forced smile. The smile that hides my pain, because I’m the fixer. And fixers have to be strong. Strong is what I have pretended to be over the years slowly losing myself in this game called life. Life you never got to experience and I feel selfish if I laugh too long or smile to hard. How can i be okay when you’re 6 feet in the ground rotting away. Sometimes I think I’m jealous of how peaceful it must be no problems just quiet, then I realize how crazy that sounds. I miss you, not the I’ll see you soon kind of miss you but the God when are you coming back kind of miss you. I look around and everyone’s moving on and I feel like time stopped for me. I can’t move on, not because I don’t want to but because I’m scared I’ll forget you. You were too important to be forgotten.