Incomplete

I feel like something’s missing
Like Ive misplaced my heart
Never in my worst dreams
Were we so far apart
I see you in the hallway
And you avoid my gaze
I block out all the pain inside
Try to forget the happy days
I feel alone and hollow
My eyes refuse to shine
Somewhere in this deep dark pit
Is a heart that’s really mine.

Reviews

[Millionth Muse]

On first read through of this piece what stuck out to me was how nicely it flowed...I just allowed the words to sink in. On the second read I really tried to absorb the feelings, and I did feel the emotion. I have felt this way, so I can relate. My only suggestion, or reservation, was that I felt a little like somthing was missing, or rather that I wanted to hear more, which isn't necessarily a criticism...perhaps it's more in another piece. Anyway, I enjoyed it.

[Edgar A Stonehill]

There are some nice phrases in this piece that really stick out. Like "Try to forget the happy days" and "eyes refuse to shine".

Personally, I would have tried to place the "happy days" phrase earlier in the poem.

I also would suggest avoiding the phrase "I feel". Sometimes removing it creates awkward phrases which need to be rearranged. But I think in this cascase the piece would work if it was removed.