Private Dick!; Chapter Five

The following may be grammatically incorrect, to highlight the

main character's lack of smarts! 

Chapter Five:

     I was bored; I needed a new case. I was too good at my job; I solved them too quick. I seemed to be too quick at everything. Take my relationship with Jane Fremont, for example. She was gorgeous; I liked her; she was fun, and our relationship ended prematurely. I guess I’m the kind of guy who’s in and out of a relationship fast, I just don’t have the time to give to a relationship; I’m going steady with my work. If I didn’t solve my cases so fast, I could milk them for a bigger load of cash, but I just couldn’t hold back from solving them.

     

     The next morning, I was playing mental mumbly-peg with my thoughts, when the phone rang. At last, a case!

     “Havelock Investigations.”

     “Yes, Mr. Havelock, my name is Steve Clampett, and I’m a teacher at Chum Elementary, and I’m teaching the children about law enforcement. We’re learning about private detectives right now, and I was hoping you’d come and give a lecture, telling the kids all about your world.”

     It wasn’t a new case, but it was something. “Well, Mr. Clampett, I’m very busy at the moment, but I guess I could find the time.”

     “Great; here’s what you should do...”

     I pulled my car into the parking lot of Chum Elementary at 7.00am. I didn’t have to give my lecture until 11, but I didn’t want to spend another few hours staring at the wall, and mumbling about past cases. I found myself actually looking at the door to the school like a one-eyed man looks at something far away; bug-eye. I should have said bug-eyed, but the dude only has one eye. Boy, profound!

     At last, it was almost 11. I got out, and practically sprinted up to the door. Boy did I ever need a case. You know it’s bad when you look forward to lecturing a class of 10 year olds, who barely were aware of what kind of underwear they had on, and didn’t particularly care (what kind; not if they had any on!) The most pressing thing to them was whether Mom put a candy bar, or carrot sticks in their lunch that morning.

     “Class, today we have a special guest; Mr. Havelock, who’s a private investigator. You’ve so far learned about police work, and now you’ll learn what an ordinary man can do to help them solve crimes. So, Mr. Havelock, would you come up, please?”

I walked up in front of the classroom, and turned to face the students. Suddenly, gazing out at their expectant faces, I got extremely nervous, and that was something I hadn’t expected. “Kids, I’m Oren--err--Moe Friday--err--Butch Havelock, and I’m here to tell you...” what? My mind was blank. I just stood there, the silence stretching on interminably. As the silence lengthened, nervous laughter began among the students, which only made me more nervous. at last, Mr. Clampett saved me by saying,

     “So Mr. Havelock, do you deal with any dangerous criminals?”

     “Oh, mostly they’re just horny people who cheat on their spouses, but every once in a while, I...”

     “Mr. Havelock, I hardly think that’s a topic for 10 year olds!”

     “Yes, you’re right; I forgot myself, please forgive me.”

     “Let’s move on to questions from the children. Does anyone have a question for Mr. Havelock?”

     Several hands shot into the air. “Bobby, you may stand and ask Mr. Havelock your question.”

     A freckled youngster rose, and asked, “What does horny mean?”

     “Ah, sit down Bobby, who else has a question? Andrea?”

     A wisp of a girl arose, and asked, “I was wondering why you’re not a real cop; are you too dumb?”

     I know I shouldn’t have, but I got angry. “The only thing dumb around here is your question!”

     Shock showed on Mr. Clampett's face, and he quickly said, “Kids, why don’t we go to lunch early? Say goodbye to Mr. Havelock, and thank him for coming in to speak; We all learned something, like how not to give a speech in front of 10 year olds!”

     I was once again bored, as I retuned to my office, and resumed doing nothing. Doing nothing may sound easy, but there’s a knack to it, a knack I seem to have mastered! Just then, my phone rang, scaring the wits out of me; I must have looked like someone who was startled, as I must have jumped a good three feet in the air; well, maybe not three feet, but you get the idea.

     “Havelock Investigations, Butch Havelock speaking.”

     "Hello Nr. Havelock; this is Grant Survey calling, and I’d like...”

     “You mean the Grant Survey, producer of ‘The Most Powerful Dick in Manhattan’?”

     “Yes, Mr. Havelock, the Grant Survey”

     ‘The Most Powerful Dick in Manhattan’ was only the best P.I. show on television; about a tough, weather-beaten, cynical private eye, whose seen it all, and done it all. “Hey, I love your show, man!”

     “I’m glad, because I’m trying to put together a new show, “A Day in the Life of a Dick”, and I’m told by a friend of mine, who’s one of your clients, that you’d be a good candidate. The idea is, we follow you around with a camera, and film your adventures.”

     I thought of what I was doing at that very moment; jack s**t; and thought it sure would make for some s***t-illating television!

     “Well, that sounds great, except business is a little slow right now.”

     "Oh, I’m sure you’re just being modest; we’d like to begin today, if you’re agreeable?”

     Today? Crap on a cracker! “Sure, Mr. Survey.”

     “Great; we’ll be over in about an hour.”

     “Sounds good, I’ll see you then.” S**t!