Private Dick!; Chapter Six

The following may be grammatically incorrect, to highlight the

main character's lack of smarts! 

Chapter Six:

     “Hello, come in,” I said, as I tried desperately to come up with something, anything, that would make for a good show. I had nothing! How about footage of me emptying the waste paper baskets, or maybe dusting the desk?

     “Well, Mr. Havelock, just do what you normally do and we’ll film you,” said Survey, as he gazed at the papers that I had put out on my desk, so that I looked busy. But a guy could shuffle paper for only so long before somebody figured it out; that you were in fact doing jack s**t. I was panicking. I gave a death-stare to the phone, as if I could will it to ring. Unbelievably, it must have worked, because it rang at that exact moment. I couldn’t believe it! I put the phone on speaker, yanked up the receiver, and practically yelled into it,

     “Havelock Investigations.”

     “Yes, is Mr. Havelock at home?”

     With a sinking feeling, I realized it was just an ad. “Speaking,” I replied, while the camera rolled.

     “Good afternoon, Mr. Havelock, how are you today?”

     “Just fine,” I answered. Behind the cameraman, Survey said,

     “It sounds like just another ad for s**t!” I shot him a look, and said into the receiver, “What is the purpose of this call?” knowing full well what it was about; jack s**t!

     “Mister Havelock, ever got out of the shower, saw your reflection in the full-length bathroom mirror, and said to yourself, “Man, look at that pathetic thing; I wish there was a all-natural drug that could make me look like King Do---“

     I slammed down the receiver.  I had heard enough. Imagine, a pill to make you larger down there. What would they advertise next, erectile dysfunction pills? Beside me, Survey said,

     “Wow, what is the world coming to? It sounds more like a next-century advertisement than this one!”

     I had barely taken a breath, when the phone rang again. I got angry, picked up the receiver, and shouted, “Look, my Johnson’s plenty big, thank you very much!”

     An awkward silence ensued, until at last a female voice practically whispered into the receiver, “Pardon me? I must have the wrong number.”

     I saw to my horror that Survey’s cameras were still rolling. “Ah, please excuse me, I thought it was Johnson’s weight training gym, calling to try to get more money out of me.”

     Another awkward silence, then, “No, I was trying to reach Havelock Investigations.”

     “You’ve reached them, please, go on.”

     “Someone stole a priceless sculpture from my gallery, and I’d like you to find it, and get it back for me”

     “Why do you think it was stolen?”

     “Because it’s a controversial nude, and I received a letter saying it was taken to protect society from filth.”

     “Okay; I’ll just need a few more details from you, and I’ll look into it.”

     The stationary the letter was written on turned out to be from a stationary store across town, so I began my investigation there.

     The ringing of a bell over the door announced my arrival, and the camera’s arrival. I was greeted by an uptight-looking lady in several layers of clothing, even though it was the middle of summer.

     “Hello, Madam, my name is Butch Havelock, and I’m investigating the disappearance of a sculpture, and...”

     “You mean the disgusting one--I mean, I’m just guessing, you see; I don’t actually know,” she answered, and she pulled her 3 layers of clothing even tighter around her.

     Being the smart private eye I am, this immediately set off my dick radar. “What makes your initial response ‘the disgusting one’?”

     I saw her eyes ever so quickly dart to a door behind the counter. “Oh, just a guess.”

     I replied, “What’s behind that door?” pointing to it.

     “Nothing; just stock and the like.”

     I push my way past her; she tried to stop me, but I managed to fight through her, and fling the door open. Right away, bronze t**s jumped out at me. There was the statue. “Well, well, look at what we have here!”

     “Oh, okay, I took it, but look at it; it’s indecent!”

I took another look at it; I didn’t see anything indecent about it at all. In fact, I though the nude chick was hot!

     “If you find it so indecent, are such a prude, close your eyes!”

     She clutched at her clothing as if it was a shield against anything sexual.

     I then asked, “Are you married, lady?

     “I fail to see what that has to do with it, but yes, I’m happily married.”

     I wondered about the happily part, and felt pity for the Mister.

     I walked into Fairview Gallery with a handful of t**s. Sally Fairview saw the statue, and exclaimed,

     “That’s it! Thank you Mr. Havelock.”

     “More than happy; I’m glad it all worked out, but it’s all in a day’s work,” I replied, for the benefit of Survey’s (they were still following me, like a shaggy video puppy) camera, and continued, “I’m always available for missing persons, to gain leverage in a nasty divorce, and any other kind of investigating. Well, now I’ll return to my office, located at 342 Union Street, in Chum, and get back to work. It’s still office hours, which are Monday though Saturday, 7am to 5pm, so I’ve got plenty of time to solve another case.”

     Survey said to his camera operator, “We can edit Mr. Havelock’s free advertisement out later.”

     Damn!