Awesome Possum

A dude who doesn't like his job!

Awesome Possum

By Mike Stevens

 

 

     He was right in the middle of dreaming a hot dream involving three French milking maidens, while he was the lucky stable boy, when his alarm clock rang.

 

     “Damn it!” he said aloud, for it was time to get up and go into work. He would once again put on the ridiculous outfit and become Awesome Possum.  Randy Craw was angry.  He had to pretend to like being treated like human cat box by festering-open-sore-like, sawed-off little p****r-children.  He pretended to like them so their dip-wad parents would cough up the $35.00 for his club membership fee, then another $5.00 for each of the books he had written.  He was up to #25, so as long as the little p****r- children were reading them, he would continue writing them.  He’d started out trying to write a “classic”, but anymore he’d just slop down anything and call it good.  Each book took him on the average, ½ hour.  He’s write down some clichéd saying, such as,

   

     “Always look both ways before crossing the street,” draw some kid looking right, then left, and walking across safely.  Then he’d draw a kid flying through the air, with the lesson being: this little dumb b*****d forgot to look and look what happened to him or her. That was sort of what this week’s show was about.  Of course he wouldn’t call the kid a dumb b*****d, as he wanted the dumb b*****d to tell his/her parents to buy more c**p.

 

    

     He reluctantly left the warmth of his blankets behind, took a quick shower, ate some stale pizza, and drove his beater to the studio.  As he was walking to his dressing room, receptionist Carol Lackidacia yelled,

 

     “There he is, Awesome Possum!”

 

     Randy knew she was only saying that because she knew the saying angered him. “Blow off, Carol.  You’re obviously attracted to me, but you’re not my type.”

 

     She replied, “Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Possum, I prefer the guys I date to look vaguely human.”

 

     Randy smirked in her direction and walked past her, into his dressing room.

 

 

 

     Oh c**p, it was time to begin filming the show and face the mob of unruly little b******s.  The Awesome Possum costume he now wore itched like a b***h.  He said a silent prayer and walked out on stage.  At his appearance all the little b*****s roared, clapped, and cheered.  Oh, how he hated them.

 

     “Hey kids, it’s me, Awesome Possum, your buddy.  What do you say kids?”

 

     Immediately, they all shouted, “There he is, Awesome Possum!”

    

     Damn, how that stupid saying hacked him off.  “Howdy-hi-ho kids, today we’ll be learning all about the great feeling you’ll get helping other people, such as helping an older lady, across a crosswalk; an older lady like her.

 

     An older lady shuffled up to a crosswalk painted on the stage and started across.   Before touching her Randy said,

 

     “Excuse me ma’am, let me help you cross in safety.”  He then escorted the woman across, holding out his hand to stop a mock car.  The mock car put on its brakes and stopped while they shuffled slowly across the road.

 

     “See kids?  Helping someone else not only helps them with what they’re doing, but it makes you feel good.  Now let’s look at what might happen if you don’t help.”

 

     The older lady once again started across the mock crosswalk, only this time alone.  The mock car sped right on through the intersection and slammed on its brakes too late to stop.  The older lady saw the car speeding directly at her, screamed, and went airborne, as the mock car, made of rubber instead of metal, slammed into her.  The mock car came to an abrupt halt and the screaming lady landed on a pad hidden from the view of the kids.  Then, the curtain fell and Awesome, who was now standing in front of it, said,

 

     “See what can happen kids?  Or, if you startle the woman, another possibility is the following:”

 

 

     The curtain rose to reveal the lady again stepping into the mock crosswalk.  Awesome walked up beside the woman waiting for the light, put his arm around her shoulders, and immediately the lady yelled in surprise, wrenched her arm free, grabbed a can of water made to look like mace, and sprayed it directly in Awesome’s eyes.  Awesome screamed, clawed at his face, staggered on out into the crosswalk, and the mock car again slammed on its brakes too late and plowed into Awesome, sending him flying over it, screaming, where he landed on the hidden pad.  The curtain again fell and Randy hauled himself to his feet.  There had to be an easier way to fleece the little b******!  He then walked out to the front of the stage and said,

 

     “You see, kids?  You need to warn the other person before you try to help them.  Otherwise, they’re liable to think you’re some young punk trying to steal their money, or worse yet, trying to assault them, and they’re liable to fight you.  Well kids, that’s about all the time we have for today’s show.  I hope you learned something today, and always remember, “Who’s your awesome buddy?  Why it’s me, Awesome Possum!  Goodbye until next week kids.”

 

     The curtain again fell and Randy quickly walked to his dressing room to change out of his ridiculous costume.

 

 

     He was soon walking on the sidewalk beside a busy street and was moving along at a brisk pace.  He was going to have lunch at a strip club, had made reservations for a table, and he was running late.  He’d have to get a move on if he wanted to make it.  He was about to cross the street at a crosswalk when a little kid grabbed his arm, saying,

 

     “Here, let me help you across.”

 

     Randy was startled, shook his arm loose, and as he started across the street, replied, “Hey, you little b*****d, leave me alone!”

 

     The kid then said, “But, Awesome Possum told us to help.”

 

     “Awesome Possum?  I can’t get away from that bas--”

    

     Suddenly, Randy heard a terrific screeching and looked up to see the bumper of a car heading straight for him.  That was all he had time to notice, then everything went black.

 

 

The End

 

Reviews

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Its amazing to think about what it really to be/make such an influencal children's character. Some people may be just geniunely caring people or still kids at heart, But I am sure just do it for the money or lose there enthusiasm along the way. Many may might not even like kids to start with, but the ones that make it get PAID!! Some have there vices like the Blues Clues guy od'ing on cocaine or Boozo being a notorious drunk. This doesn't make them awful people nessasarly but they are adult humans acting in a fashion that children find attractive, often comerical motives of product placement covered up by a 15 min bit on "sharing is cool". Meanwhile someone that is genuinely caring my play there ukelele to special need kids in turtle outfit , and not make a DIME!!

[Michael Stevens]

Thank you for the comment. I didn't really think about WHY he is the way he is; it just struck me as funny, sort of like Crusty the Clown on 'The Simpsons'!

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Ohh no please don't kill this character off this is my favorite so far. Foul mouthed child icons are hilarious, but true more sometimes!
! I love how poor kids is p***r like it a cuss word. I assume it was poor no?

[Michael Stevens]

I'm sorry; maybe I could write a story; 'Awesome Possum, the Trailer Hitch!' Thanks for the comment!

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Yeah I hope more form the Return Of the Possum!

[RavenWells]

Nicely done, this story gave me a chuckle. Great job :)

[Michael Stevens]

Thank you!