The Brick Maker's Shuffle

Rome unplugged!

     Meticulous research went into the writing of this.  No detail was too small, I wanted to make sure every detail was historically correct, I---no, that is total bullshit, I made it up as I went along, slapping bits of Roman history, Egyptian history, and modern history together in one big mish-mash of a story, so if you're looking for historical accuracy, keep moving!

 

The Brick Maker's Shuffle

 

     "Thee art a friend, a trusted colleague," said King Fabius the Great.  "Thee are worthy of high praise."  Maximumus Brutus the Slave, who had risen from lowly brick maker, dancing the straw into bricks, to entertainer of the king, answered,

 

     "Thee art a dick!"  He said this because he was extremely angry with the king. 

 

     King Fabius chuckled and the said, "Woo, that is a real knee-slapper, that is!"

 

     "Iest not kidding; thee piss thy off!"

 

     "Thee are pushing it, Maxi!" replied the King hotly.  He was getting rather tired of Maximumus's mouth.

 

 

    

     Maximumus had escaped the clay pit because he had developed what he liked to call the 'Brick Maker's Shuffle'  He started doing it one day while trying to relieve the endless boredom.  At first, the Roman soldier charged with guarding the slaves had whipped him, yelling,

 

     "Thee pecker; thee shall get the a*s back to working on making bricks, not flopping around like something flopping!"

 

     Maximumus had looked the guard right in the eye, and replied,

 

     "Why does not thee blow me?"

 

     This enraged the guard, who stormed at Maximumus, little drops of spittle flying through the air in rage, "Thee watch thy mouth, thy little punk-b***h!" and proceeded to lay into Maximumus with both a vengeance, and the whip.  This beating went on and on, until Maximumus thought he could take no more.  Suddenly a voice boomed out,

     "Alright, enough!"

 

     The enraged guard paid the voice no heed, as he kept up his whipping of Maximumus. 

 

     "I said enough!"

 

     The guard kept on wailing on Maximumus.  Suddenly, a spear drove through the guard, and he screamed and collapsed in a crimson-misted heap. 

 

     King Fabius looked down upon the stricken with spearage guard, as he rolled around in agony, with the spear still lodged in his gullet and a torrent of blood ran into the sand, "Thee should not have f****d with thy, or is it me; I can never remember this s**t!" 

 

     Maximumus slowly stood again, until he was towering over the King.  It wasn't that Maximumus was that tall, although he was of slightly-above 5-9, which was considered tall for that era; no, the King was extremely short, which was once the object of much joking around Sandleville; until he became King, and started showing his displeasure by ordering beheadings.  Suddenly, making sawed-off jokes no longer seemed a very smart sport. 

 

     Now Maximumus looked down at the top of the King's head in confusion.  Two trains of thought flashed into his mind.  First, why had the King speared the guard, and second, man, was the King balding!  "Sire, why hass thee gone postal on him?"

 

     "Thy has heard talk around Sandleville of thee."

 

     "Thee?  I swear I did not know the wench was only twelve: she painted her face much like those broads we captured from the Kingdom of Mascara.  Plus, thee thought she was also a slave; if thee'd have known she was the underage daughter of a Senator, why thy would never have tried to tap that."

 

     The King gave an uncomprehending look at Maximumus, and replied, "Huh?  No, no, the talk Iest has heard around Sandleville is of a slave who entertains like nobody's business.  Theyest tell of a funky little dance thou does, that is much the rage around town."

 

     "Well, thou heardest right; thouest shakes thouest booty to relieve the boredom and help the grains of sand pass through the sundial more quickly."

 

     "Does thee mock me; does thouest think King Fabius is a fricking idiot?  The sundial has no sand!"

 

     "Noest, thouest meant the hourglass, not the sundial!"

 

     "Okayest; anywho, like Iest was trying to say before thouest started spouting thy bullshit, is Iest needs a royal entertainer, and how would thee like that?"

 

     Maximumus was floored; though you could have knocked him over with a feather.  "Surely thy King is just fuc--err--messing with thee?"

 

     "Now, do Iest look like Iest was just, as thou started to say, f****g  with you?; and please don't call me Shirley; eh, ha, ha, royal scribe!"

 

     "Yes sire?" said a meek little dude, who seemed to appear out of thin air.

 

     "Mark that down; Iest does believe Iest just made a new joke, and Iest wants credit for it!"

 

     "As thouest command, sire," replied the little man, who may have been short, but still looked down on the King, as he disappeared as mysteriously as he had appeared.

 

     What is with that s**t; that is freaky! thought Maximumus, as he scanned the King's face for any sign of mirth and saw none.  "Thee is serious; why thy will accept."

 

 

     Maximumus recalled how he had come to be the royal entertainer, and he should have been grateful, but now he was just plain pissed.  "Look, thouest promised me another 1,500 denarius a month, and do Iest see it, no, Iest does not-est!"

 

     "Oh, excuse thouest; thouest figured thee would be happy with just being alive, but thouest, meaning thy, meaning me, must have been f****d in the head, for thou is making demands like Iest could not have him dealt with, like that!", and he snapped his fingers.  Suddenly, Maximumus realized he had overplayed his hand, and thought of what could have been the alternative. 

 

      "Thouest is right, Iyest is lucky to have this job; Iyest will dance into Sandleville and entertain the citizens."

 

     "Thouest is damn right; we will speak no more of thy bullshit; now, off with you!"

 

 

     S**t, is Iest a lucky mo-fo? thought Maximumus, as he broke the crest of the hill overlooking the village of Sandleville; Still, all those extra denarius would have come in handy; those escape canoes aint cheap!  Oh well, the sooner he danced a jig for these b******s, the sooner he'd make his escape!  He plastered a fake smile on his face, and stated shaking his booty     

as he entered the village.  This damned  'Brick Maker's Shuffle'!

 

The End

    

 

          

Reviews

[Marie]

Your use of grammar here is hlarious. I've never seen anything like it. "Iest?" "Okayest?"
You really have skill eough to write more than a politically incorrect advice column.

[Michael Stevens]

Well, thank you; I got a revue on another site chastising me for the use of all those nonsense words, but to me, they convey exactly what I was going for; funny. I'm glad you seemed to get it; I was starting to second-guess my own judgment as to what is funny!

[Marie]

Trust your judgement.

[Michael Stevens]

Thank you Marie!