Private Dick, Chapter 26

More Oren Trough!

The following may be grammatically incorrect, to highlight the

main character's lack of smarts!  Also, what do I look like, an editor?

     I’ve got a hot case.  An actor for the Greater Seattle Acting Group, or, GAS, has hired me to investigate why he didn’t land the coveted role of Cassie Sims, in the highly-anticipated stage production of ‘Dudes and Babes.’  I suspect it’s because he’s got a five-o’clock shadow, and his legs are very hairy, but I cleverly didn’t mention that maybe it’s on account of his being a dude.  

 

     So, I decided to attend opening night and go backstage afterwards.

 

     I was seated in my seat (no, in someone else’s!), and the curtain rose, to show a dude, although his hair was so long, it was hard to tell, sitting in a chair, with a cardboard sign hanging around his neck, proclaiming him Duke Fraser.  If I had any doubt who he was, the first words out of his mouth were,

 

     “Hi, I’m Duke Fraser.”

 

     Wow, what a winner this play ought to be!  Then, a girl appeared on stage, also with a sign around her neck, proclaiming her to be Cassie Sims.  I’d say my client got aced out of the part by about 38DD.  I mean, these babies were huge! Cassie Fraser was speaking, but to tell you the truth, I didn’t hear a word; dialog, smyalog. I heard her say,

 

     “Hi, I’m Cassie Sims,” but not much after that.  She might have been the greatest actress since sliced bread, but I wouldn’t know; I couldn’t get my eyes to move up to her face. 

 

 

******

 

     It turned out that it was a good thing she was well-endowed, because the play blew.  Without the jiggling distraction, everybody would have left.  I mean, this play screamed, “Looosseerr!”

 

 

     After the curtain rang down, I made my way backstage.  The actress playing Cassie Sims was speaking to a man wearing the pompousness of importance like a suit of armor.  After watching Cassie bounce up and down for quite a long while, I cleared my throat.  It failed to get their attention, so I coughed a little louder.  Still no reaction on their part.  They continued talking like I wasn’t staring at them.  I could have waved a red flag and jumped up and down, and I doubt they’d have even noticed.   I got pissed, and really hawked up a lung.  Finally, they stopped talking, and the self-important little troll of a man turned towards me and said,     

 

     “Can we help you?  Maybe with the sound of that cough, we ought to call a doctor?”

 

     I somehow managed, “No, that won’t be necessary; a boulder just went down the wrong pipe.”  To tell you the truth, I had cleared my throat so long and so loud, my eyes were watering, and speaking was difficult.  “I’m a private investigator, and you are?” I asked in the direction of the little man.

 

     He relied, “Mac Treadway, the director.”

 

     “And these--err--this must be the talented (said talent started somewhere below her chin and above her stomach!) Arcadia Crest.  Quite a performance!”  Or, at least it would have been, until she ruined it by speaking!

 

     “Yes, that’s right; always glad to meet one of my fans,” and she turned her cheek like I was expected to either kiss it, or punch it. I cleverly guesses the former. 

 

     “Mr. Treadway, I was going to ask you why you chose Miss Crest to play the part of Cassie Sims, but I won’t insult your intelligence by asking you that,” I said, staring at Arcadia Crest’s--err--twin talents.  “Instead, I’ll just congratulate you.” For having the balls to call this goiter a play! I thought to myself.

 

     “Err, Thank you.”

 

     I got the impression Mr. Treadway was used to handing out thank you’s like Halloween candy; often, and it was cheap. 

 

 

******

     I returned to my office, and called my client with both the bad news, and the bill.  At first he was angry, but then I told him he had captivating eyes, and would have made a fine Cassie Sims. Yeah, if he could sprout a pair of 38DD’s.

 

 

Reviews

[Vidya Bacchus]

Lol...very funny Mikey.This dick guy sounds very interesting.And oh so observant lol.How are you stick long time no see :)

[Michael Stevens]

Thanks Vidya; yeah, I love writing this character; I'm doing well, how have you been?

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome Mikey I've been most excellent :)

[Michael Stevens]

Good to know!

[Marie]

This is funny. The private dick seems like an interesting guy, though his idea of talent is limited.

[Michael Stevens]

I'm glad you enjoyed it; yes, VERY limited!