The Plan

Haberdashery's BRILLIANT plan!

The Plan!

By Mike Stevens

An Inspector Haberdashery Tale

 

 

     Haberdashery sneaked through the darkness outside 221B Baker Street, the address of Holmes's apartment.  He was driven by an overwhelming sense of hatred for Holmes and he absent-mindedly ran a hand across his bruise-covered face to remind himself of that fact.  Holmes would pay dearly for tuning him up; it was a matter of pride for him now.  The apartment was quiet and dark; it appeared no one was home.  He didn't want to do something too criminal, after all, he was a constable, but at least something that would embarrass the son of a b***h. 

 

 

     He had it; he would need a bag of some sort, and excrement; there was a dog tied up in the yard of the house across the street that would supply the latter.  He laughed hysterically to himself when he thought of the look of shock on Holmes's face when he tracked dog s**t into his apartment. 

 

 

******

 

 

     Since Holmes didn't appear to be home, he had returned to his home and grabbed a bag, then he walked back to Holmes's apartment.  It was quite a long journey, but it would so be worth it.   He watched and waited in the shadows of the night, until the familiar form of Sherlock Holmes came shuffling down the road, walked to his door, and disappeared inside.  It was time to scoop up some dog s**t into the bag.  He sprinted across the street and into the neighbor's yard.  All was quiet as he set about finding a big steaming pile.  It was almost impossible to see, but the light from an oil lamp in the window coming through the blinds should be enough.  There, he spotted one.  He took out the bag and scooped the big pile up and into the bag, using a nearby stick; perfect!  Just as he turned to make his way back to the street, he heard a low-pitched growl and saw just the gleaming eyes.  Oh crap, the dog-beast wanted his s**t back.  He started running like the hound of the Baskervilles was chasing him.  Across the yard he went, with slobbering death getting closer by the second.  He wasn't near fast enough, so he abruptly turned and struck out with his closed fist.  He caught the dog under the chin and the dog yelped as he felt the blow connect and it fell where it stood.  He felt terrible for hitting a dog, but he was glad to survive unbitten, for surely the dog wouldn't have thought twice about mauling his a*s.  He had only been defending himself. 

 

 

******

 

 

     He was ready to pull this off.  He gingerly carried the bag he'd had so much trouble getting and gently laid it down outside the front door of Holmes's apartment.  Then he lit the bag on fire and knocked.  As he took off running, he allowed himself a good silent belly-laugh.  This was going to be funny!  The thought of the 'great' Sherlock Holmes unwittingly spreading dog s**t all around the inside of his apartment before realizing it, was going to be priceless.  After knocking, he ran to hide behind a nearby hedge that he had spotted before.  He threw himself behind it and turned to watch the expected fun.  Sure as hell, Holmes answered the door and saw the inferno blazing away on his front porch.  But, instead of stomping on it to put it out, he turned and went back inside.  What the hell? 

 

 

     As Haberdashery was pondering Holmes's strange reaction, a shout sounded, demanding to know what he was doing in their bushes.  Damn, he took off running as the angry voice was shouting at him to stop. 

 

 

******

 

 

     A couple of hours later, he decided it was safe to return to Holmes's apartment.  He couldn't for the life of him understand Holmes's reaction, or lack of reaction, when he saw the blaze outside his door.  He would have to think of something else to try.  When he got there, the bag of s**t was still sitting on the porch where he'd left it.  He didn't want it to go to waste, using it somehow was too good of an idea.  So carefully he approached the bag.  As he neared it, he became aware of a sizzling sound, and look all around to locate it's source.  It was then that he noticed the burning fuse.  "Son of a

bit---"  he started to yell when the fuse reached the bag and it exploded, showering him with Fido's dinner. 

 

 

******

 

 

     Sherlock Holmes heard the explosion and smiled.  It had worked to perfection.  How stupid did Haberdashery think he was?  He'd known what he was seeing as soon as he'd seen it.  Haberdashery had expected him to shout, "Oh my God!" and stomp on it to put out the flames, then walk back inside and spread dog s**t throughout his apartment.  Well sir, he was having no part of it.  It was a good thing his porch was cement.  The flaming bag of s**t had gone out by itself.  It would be a perfect time to test his invention; a super-fast-burning fuse.  Of course, his plan had been predicated on Haberdashery's unwillingness to just let the dog s**t idea go, and he'd been proven correct.  He'd figured that he'd want to use the bag for another idea, so Holmes had rigged a firecracker, one that wouldn't really hurt Haberdashery, to explode seconds after he lit the fuse, and had watched closely for his approach.  When he'd seen Haberdashery approach and stand over the bag, he'd touched of the fuse from his window, and 'boom!'

 

 

******

 

 

     The smell was unbelievable, as Haberdashery stood there with stringers of dog s**t hanging off of him everywhere.  From across the street he saw and hear the dog barking he had punched, so it looked like at least it was okay, which was more than he could say for himself.  S**t, look at me; smell me! he thought.  Soon, every neighbor had come outside to see what the loud 'bang!' was.  He was soon surrounded by leering people, staring at him like they just had to see who would be stupid enough to fall for this trick.  They weren't really, but that's the way it seemed to him; damn you, Holmes!

 

 

The End

 

        

 

    

 

       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

    

 

 

 

 

     

 

     

Reviews

[Marie]

Haberdashery got just what was comng to him. It should be against the law to be that stupid. Oh wait-maybe it is.

[Michael Stevens]

Haberdashery's in a run-off with Holmes and Watson to see who the stupidest dick around!