Clem in the Big House

Clem Gummer's prison adventures!

     Clem Gummer heard the metal prison door 'clang!' shut behind him as he started his first day as the unwilling guest of The State of Kentucky.  Sum B***h! he silently said to himself, as he started the long, long march to his new home with bars, and they weren't exactly the kind of bars he had in mind.  All the way at the end of the hall, the prison guard had said.  As he followed he was subjected to lewd proposals, including one that he rend and torture himself into a anatomically-painful position which involved a broom handle, and several other remarks.  Double sum b***h! he thought, and kept his eyes straight forward as he ran the gauntlet between animal cages. 

 

 

     What was he doing here?   Most of these prisoners were hardcore criminal types; the only thing he'd done was try to cash in on the lucrative marijuana market.  He's had the misfortune of somehow rupturing a natural gas line shoddily buried on his property and it had exploded, catching the attention of law enforcement.  He had had enough seeds to make this a class A felony, and his claim of only growing it for has personal use had been laughed out of court by a judge with no sympathy and he'd been sentenced to 7-10 years; the sum b***h, he thought.  So, here he was, strolling on the gray-bar catwalk, being ogled by some lonely desperate hardcore criminals. 

 

 

******

 

 

      This was it?  He was expected to live here?  Look at this sum b***h; he thought.  There was brownish-gray concrete and a set of beds, one on top of the other.  The top bunk was currently occupied by an elfishly small guy.  Great, a cellmate who's not even smart enough to move down and claim the bottom bunk!  The man looked down at him and stuck out a rail-thin bony hand and said,

 

     "Howdy, nice to meet you, I'm Del Faucet and you must be my new cellmate?"

 

     What gave it away; the bright orange jumper, or the fact the guard locked the door behind me?   "Yep, I'm Clem Gummer, and I'll be a guest of the State of Kentucky for the next 7-10 years, although a lot less if I can tidy up the warden's office enough," He answered sarcastically.  The sarcasm apparently sailed over Faucet's head, because he replied,

 

     "Oh, a knee padder eh?  I should warn you though, if you're planning on kissing the warden's a*s, we have a nickname for him; we call him 'Water-Shy Rawley' because he reeks!"

 

     Oh great, he doesn't understand sarcasm!  "That last part was meant as a joke."

 

     "Oh, I was kidding too; actually the warden rarely comes onto the cell floor."

 

     Clem didn't take it very well when he was fooled, and he had been fooled, but he wasn't going to let Faucet know that.  Instead, he changed the subject; "So why did you take the top bunk?  I would have thought when you had your choice you would have chosen the bottom one."

 

     "Oh, this has always been my bunk, and besides, my last cell mate was butchered in that one.  Came back from the exercise yard and found Knuckles opened up like a suitcase, his guts hanging out; blood everywhere.  Someone was very angry!"

 

     "How awful; I'll bet whoever did it got life or the chair, huh?"

 

     "They would have, but the police haven't figured out who is responsible yet."

 

     Clem felt a chill run through his veins; a killer still at large?  Sum b***h!

 

 

******

 

 

     Three days of Hell; terrible unidentifiable slop to eat; and non-stop abuse heaped on him all through dinner.  He spared himself that pleasure at lunch, because he threw some sandwich meat into a napkin and ate it in his cell.  At least he thought it was sandwich meat.  He pictured Knuckles filleted like a fish, and envisioned the prison people saving taxpayers the cost of burial by grinding his carcass up and serving it on bread.  He skipped breakfast, except for the coffee, so that wasn't a problem, but dinner?  What was he going to do, pour mashed potatoes and gravy down his prison-issued pants?  Technically, prisoners were required to attend all meals in the cafeteria, but apparently if the warden didn't say anything, the guards didn't give a s**t either.  Either that, or his absence had gone unnoticed. 

 

 

     This evening was the third dinner to be endured.  Clem sat with his back against the wall and eyed each fellow inmate suspiciously.  Was that dude the killer?  How about him? 

 

 

     Thankfully, the meal was over and once again he was still the proud owner of his own guts.  Now he could return to the safety of his cell.  It hadn't occurred to him that Knuckles had been filleted in his cell.  He still thought of it as safety.

 

 

     As he approached the cell, he heard voices, "...well, I tell you why I asked you to meet me here instead of going to dinner.  It's because men who are about to die won't be need to eat!"

 

     Clem heard a gasp and then the unmistakable voice of Del Faucet; "Warden, you're insane!" 

 

     So the murderer was Warden Rawley?  Well I'll be a sum b***h!  thought Clem.

 

     "No s**t Sherlock!  I don't know why, but lately the lust for blood has been too hard to resist, and speaking of, I'd better get a move on, huh?  Dinner's almost over; and don't think any videotape will tell them the truth; I've turned the machine off; I'll just claim a mysterious mechanical failure," he said in an unnatural voice; the voice of a madman."

 

     Clem knew he had to do something.  Trouble was, he wasn't a particularly brave man, but he knew that he couldn't just walk away while Del got filleted by a madman, could he?  He didn't know him that well, but the few conversations he'd had with him seemed to go pretty good.  Truth was, Clem sort of liked the rail thin guy.  But how to get in?  It was then that he noticed the cell door hadn't been secured, and the warden was standing right in front of it.  Clem darted in front of it, kicked at it as hard as he could, and it knocked the warden sideways and down, just as he was preparing to thrust the knife in his hand into Del Faucet.  Not only was he knocked down, but the knife flew from his grasp and Clem immediately dove on top of him to prevent the warden from retrieving it.  Faucet ran to pick up the knife, then screamed like a little girl for help. 

 

 

     Meanwhile, the warden was struggling like the lunatic he was, albeit a lunatic who'd just had his brains bashed in by a metal door.  He tried biting Clem, who responded with a shout of, "Why you sum b***h!" and landed several rabbit punches to Warden Rawley's evil face, and the Warden's body went limp.  Right at that moment, several guards appeared in the cell doorway.

 

     "Alright, hold it!  Release the Warden or you'll be killed!"

 

     Del spoke up, "No, the warden tried to kill me and Clem here was trying to stop him!"

 

     "And you, prisoner, drop the knife!"

 

     Del looked at the knife in his hand and let it clatter to the cement floor, where it made a noise that reverberated down the hall.  Meanwhile, Clem had rolled away from Warden Rawley and was immediately tackled and placed under arrest.

 

    "Good job men; you got here just in time; that crazy b*****d would have killed me!" said Warden Rawley, who had come to and was playing the innocent victim. 

 

   

******

 

 

     Clem and Del sat looking morosely through the bars of their holding cell.  Damn, who was more likely to be believed?  A couple of prison inmates or the Warden?  They were screwed!  Suddenly came the sound of rattling keys in the lock.  The head of the guards walked towards them with his keys in his hand.  Clem asked,

 

     "Come to transfer us somewhere else?"

 

     The smiling guard answered, "No sir, I'm here to release you, your story's been confirmed."

 

     Clem and Del exchanged looks and Del said, "How, nobody saw the incident."

 

     "The video tape."

 

     Clem and Del exchanged another look, then Clem said, "But Warden Rawley claimed he turned it off."

 

     "The janitor was cleaning his office and while dusting around the control button thought he had accidently turned it off and switched it back on."

 

    How lucky for them!  they each thought.

 

 

The End

       

 

 

      

    

 

 

 

      

 

Reviews

[Marie]

I think Clem Gummer is the most likeable of your characters so far. True he's as stupid as any of them, but he isn't greedy; he just ants to live his life in peace.

[Michael Stevens]

Yeah, he's fairly harmless; a STUPID harmless, but harmless none the less !