Private Dick, Chapter 34

33, 34, 3....!

                     

     "I need you to do something for me..."

 

     "What, again?" Roxanne interrupted, looking up from her typewriter.  Apparently, now being a secretary was oh so important.  "Can't a girl take a break Thumper?"

 

     Thumper was the nickname she called me, after the character in a Disney movie, apparently because we did it like rabbits.  "No, this is work related."

 

     "Oh very well; go ahead."

 

     "I need you to type what I tell you." 

 

     The click of one lacquered finger typing the individual letters was driving me up the wall as I began to speak, "Dear sir, due to the bad economy, I regret to inform you I'll be unable to pay my bill this month as I don't have the..."

 

     "Wait, slow down, and to whom is this addressed?" she asked between bubbles.  That was another habit of hers that was pissing me off royal, constantly chewing bubble gum.  The sound of her chomping filled the air as I answered,

 

     "Take your pick; I can't pay any of them.  We've had a bad month."

 

     She looked up at me sharply from concentrating with all her might on where the keys were located (I told you she wasn't much of a secretary but oh, those side benefits!) and said, "Don't tell me I'll have to start worrying about my job because I just put several new outfits on lay away; and I'll be working my butt off to pay for them."

 

     To me it seemed like she was well suited for lay away, but I didn't share that thought with her.  Instead I reassured her we where just going through a slump and business would soon pick up.  I didn't share with her the thought that the odds of that happening and little green frozen men from Pluto invading Earth were about equal.  She once again turned her attention (span; about five-eight seconds max, depending on how many words there were!) to typing my request.      

 

     I continued, "...business this month.  I promise you'll be the first in line for payment as soon as business picks up.  Sincerely, Oren Trough, Private Eye."  Sincerely all right, as in I in I sincerely hoped business would be picking up soon or it was Tits Up City. 

 

 

******

 

 

     That night I was dreaming about a ringing phone that wouldn't shut up; it just went on and on.  I awoke yelling, "Answer the damn phone already," when I realized it really was ringing.  I groaned, stretched, and fumbled with the receiver.  I dropped it and picked it back up after at last getting the damn thing up to my face.  "Hhh--e--llllo?" I somehow managed to mumble.

 

     "Yeah, sorry Mr. Trough but I didn't know who else to call and I only get one phone call."

 

     "I'd seriously think about changing phone companies; only one call?"

 

     "No, I've been arrested for a crime I didn't commit.  I'd like you to look into it and find the actual perpetrator."

 

     "Wait, if this is Hank trying to pull the sheep over my eyes..."

 

     "This is definitely not Hank; my name is Ned Jeffers and you worked on a case for me a couple of months ago, remember?"

 

     "Oh yeah, how are you, Jeffers?"  I had absolutely no memory of him but I figured it was best to play dumb.  It sure seemed I was having to do that a lot lately.

 

     "Well, other than the prison s**t, not too bad.  That watch you recovered for me still works great, thanks for that."

 

     Ah, ha, a clue!  I'd like to be able to tell you that I remembered him now but, nope!  "Well, glad to hear it; that was a sweet watch."

 

     "Are you kidding me?  That thing is hideous but it was a present from my Uncle Bernie so it means a lot to me."

 

     Oh-oh, "So it had a lot of sediment value to you, I would imagine."

 

     There was a confused pause then he answered, "Come again?"

 

     Boy, between him and Miss Easy, I'd sure been hearing that a lot lately.  "Oh, never mind.  Why don't you fill me in on the particulars."

 

 

******

 

 

     This b*****d Jeffers had better pay I was thinking as I sat down the street from the house I was watching like a dick with binoculars.  Well, that's what I am so maybe another metaphor would have worked better here.  Jeffers told me he suspected he was being framed by his business partner, a man named Walter Havoc, so here I was, keeping surveillance on him.  I had my doubts about him as it was looked to be an airtight case against Mr. Jeffers.  The business they shared was in was plastics.  Someone, and in my mind it was Jeffers himself, had embezzled several thousand dollars from Jeffers/Havoc Plastics and Havoc had gone to the police, claiming they should take a good long look at Mr. Jeffers, and when he'd bought a new car and several pieces of new furniture he'd been arrested.  I was pretty sure I had a guilty client on my hands but as long as Jeffers was paying good old American cash I would be his hired dick.

 

 

******

 

 

     I was about 3/4 of the way through the chili dog left over from dinner about three or four days ago that I'd gotten too full to eat after stopping at Dairy Dog after work one night and wrapped it up and forgot about on the floor of the backseat, when Havoc came out the door of his house and got in his car to drive away.  I quickly threw what was left out the window (not finishing it was okay by me; to tell you the truth, it was tasting a little funny anyway!) and followed his taillights into the gathering gloom.  I knew I shouldn't have ate that dog but I'd be damned if I'd just let it go to waste. 

 

    

     At last he stopped at a house and I shut off the headlights and coasted to a stop.  Well, to be perfectly honest, the big-a*s tree that I plowed into because I couldn't see may have had something to do with it.  Damn, another expense.  Looks like cancelling my auto insurance to save a couple bucks wasn't a great idea.  Oh well s**t, I'd worry about that later.  Right now I needed to get close enough to hear what they were saying, Havoc, and the mystery dude.  Luckily it was the height of summer so they'd probably leave a window open.   If not, I'd resort to plan B; nothing; I didn't have a plan B.   I snuck through the flickering shadows cast by the light of what looked to be, yes, a room.  Just then Havoc and the stranger appeared.  They were speaking and luck was with me, the window was open and I could hear every word.

 

     "...Havoc, our plan is working perfectly.  The cops think it's Jeffers, when all along we did it."

 

     My dick radar went off; well, well, looks like Jeffers was telling the truth.  Just then my stomach danced the Upchuckle and the chili dog made a forced reappearance, projecto-style.  The damn chili dog!  Just the thought of it made my guts spasm again and I did my impression of a stomach acid sprinkler.  At least I knew the grass needed water although I'm pretty sure stomach acid wasn't quite the answer.  Just as I was starting to feel a little better the sound of a couple of car doors came to my ears.  I ran back out front just in time to see Havoc and Mystery Dude squeal past on the road and disappear out of sight.  I tried to commit to memory what the mystery man had looked like.  Dark green jacket, or was it black, or navy blue, or...?  Just an ordinary face on an ordinary neck, or had it been an outstanding face on an ordinary neck?  Hell, I couldn't remember.  Damn chili dog!

 

 

******

 

 

     "What, you what?" yelled a livid Jeffers.

 

     "I tossed my cookies."

 

     "What the Hell does that mean, you threw bakery goods at them?  Excellent plan there dick; good God, why did I ever hire a slope head like you to find out the real thief?"

 

     "No, I threw up."  Where did those words come from?

 

     "I know what you meant, idiot dick!"

 

     "I don't suppose we can talk about at least a partial fee?"

 

     "Fee?  Guard," he yelled through the bars, "we're done here; fee?  Ah, ha, ha!"

 

    

     The sound of his laughter reached clear to the front door which slammed shut behind me.  Well, it had been worth a shot.  Now what, Oren's Lawn Waste Removal?  I could see Miss Easy's beautiful face and so-empty head radiating scorn when I told her.  Oh boy, and nothing but a long, cold, solitary evening did I have to look forward to.

 

 

******

 

 

     Turns out, Jeffers didn't need my help; he was let go because they couldn't make a case against him; whoppty-fricking-do, a lot of good that did me.  Miss Easy was anything but after I told her! 

 

 

******

Reviews

[Marie]

Private Dick does it again. At one point in the story he decides it's "best to play dumb." Here's one guy who doesn't have to pretend.

[Michael Stevens]

I hear yo Marie, it just comes naturally for him; I'm sorry if the story jumps around; I've given up on that!

[Michael Stevens]

"U"- whoops!