'Gummer Goes Home'; a Clem Gummer tale!

Clem's place; Clem Gummer's adventures continue!

                                         

     Clem Gummer pulled into his 4-mile long driveway with the anticipation of a man who'd been away for 5 years.  That's because he'd been the unwilling guest of the State of Kentucky for that long.  He once again thought sum b***h; why do I live this far out in the middle of nowhere?  but he already knew the answer.  It was because he just wanted to be left alone.  True, he didn't have to pay for the cost of the driveway by himself; he had split the cost of making the road with his neighbors, who also had their reasons for living off the grid, and settling in this valley.  They mostly left him alone, and vice versa, except for that total dick, Slim Chester; what a knob he was; minding Clem's business as well as his own.  

     Beside him rode Del Faucet; the two of them had both been inmates in prison together, although he'd been distracted when Del told him, and now he couldn't remember.  He'd probably spit on the sidewalk, or something, and couldn't pay the fine!  He and Del had formed a sort of friendship and when he'd learned he was getting out early thanks to Del and his foiling Warden murderous plan, he'd told Del, who informed him he was also being released early, on the same day in fact.  When he'd learned that Del had no one and nowhere in particular waiting for him on the outside, he'd invited him to his place; thinking he'd think of something for Del to do; after all, there weren't too many people he could stand, and why lose one that he could?  Del rode in silence, until they'd gone quite a ways; as he gazed out the window, he asked,

 

     "Man, your house must be way the hell and gone out here; we must have gone a couple of miles already.  How much further is it?"

 

     "Oh, a ways," he answered vaguely.

 

     "Oh," replied Faucet, and once again lapsed into silence.  But after another mile or so he could keep his mouth shut no longer, "S**t, man, this is ridiculous!"

 

     Clem glared at him until he looked away and he said no more. 

 

 

     It was growing dark as they rounded the last turn and saw the collection of houses hidden away in the sprawling valley below.  When they got to the bottom of the hill and coasted to a stop in front of an earthen-colored house, Del staggered from the vehicle and ran for the trees. 

 

     "Wait, where are you going?" Clem shouted after Del's retreating form.

 

     Del yelled over his shoulder, "To take a piss!"

 

     "Couldn't you hold it until we got in the house?  I may live out in the middle of nowhere but I do have an indoor bathroom," Clem yelled at Del's back, but apparently he was set on achieving his goal of not pissing on his own leg, because he didn't even acknowledge his comment.  Clem grabbed the mess of keys he had on the key chain dangling off his hip, found the right one, and let himself into the house.  I really ought to cut the amount of keys down to a manageable amount.  As it is, I veer to the left when walking, because of the sheer weight!"

 

 

     After a few minutes Del knocked on the door, and after Clem yelled to come on in, he walked into the house; looked around, and said,

 

     "You actually live  here?"

 

     Clem immediately got defensive.  "What?  It may not look that impressive, but I've got everything I need here."

 

     "No, I meant it as a compliment;  it's quite a house, bigger than anything I've ever lived in, that's for sure!"

 

     Clem gazed around at all 850 square feet, and thought what'd you live in before, a packing crate?  "Thanks Del; it does the job."  S**t-O-Dear!

 

 

******

 

 

     They'd been living in his house for two months, and to Clem it seemed like two years or centuries.  Del was nice and all, but you try sharing 850 square feet with any sum b***h  and see if it doesn't drive you bat-s**t crazy!  Everywhere Clem went, there was his Del shadow.  Asking him to move into his house had turned out the be a whopper mistake. 

 

 

     One night after a dinner of fried collard greens and his home brew Del unbuttoned the top button of his pants, and Clem gave him a dirty look and wondered if Del's gate swung both ways.  After all, how well did he know him, but it turned out he was just too full.  He sighed and sank down on the couch. 

 

     "Lordy I'm stuffed; I just want to watch Big Time Wrestling and let my stomach slowly deflate back to human-sized."

 

     Quite relieved, Clem figured it was a good time to learn a little more about his shadow.  "Del?"

 

     "Yeah?"

 

     "I was distracted when you told me, and can't remember now; what were you in prison for?"

 

     A strange look flickered across Del's face, as if he were troubled to answer the question.  "Oh, ah. it was nothing really, just a misunderstanding."

 

     "Oh, you mean a clerical error?  That's bullshit; them sums of b*****s;  sounds like lawsuit time!"

 

     Once again, the strange look crossed Del's face.  "No, not on the state's part, between me and Donny Feltstein.  See, he asked me what possible reason I could have for laying naked on top of his wife, and when I said it had seemed like a good idea at the time, he got angry and yanked me off her.  I was only defending myself when my hand found the steak knife on the table behind me, and before I could stop and think about it, he was back peddling with a surprised look on his face, trying to hold his guts in.  I defended myself eight more times, and he stopped pawing at his intestines and lay still.  I guess the jury didn't buy my self-defense argument, and that's when you and I met."

 

     The shock of his words were like a bug-zapper to his nuts.  Clem couldn't believe it.  So much for his spitting on the sidewalk theory; he now looked at Del with different eyes.  Was he sharing just 850 square feet with Charles Manson?  Sum b***h!

         

     "Oh, you know how it was, I'd been drinking malt liquor all afternoon,

so my judgment was a little impaired anyway, so when Mrs. Feldstein offered non-food eats, I jumped at it.  Probably not the smartest move I've ever made but hey!"

 

     Yeah, hey! I can see how easily that might happen; like hell! Clem thought, but replied only "Yeah, I understand." 

 

 

******

 

 

     Latter that same day, as he was eying Del with suspicion now, he happened to mention their release, that it couldn't have come at a better time and that he was surprised a murderer got parole so early.  Once again, Del's face betrayed guilt; it was quick, but Clem caught it. 

 

     Del answered carefully, "Ah, yeah, wasn't it though?"

 

     "Del, what's the deal?"

 

     He hymned and hawed a little before answering, "Well, to be perfectly frank, and I don't think Frank would mind me telling you this, I didn't exactly get paroled, I sort of escaped."

 

     Clem felt like a 100 pound sack of potatoes had suddenly fallen on his head, "By 'sort of' I hope you mean just your left leg, otherwise you've just brought the blinding spotlight of the law down on my a*s!"

 

    Before Del could answer, a knocking sounded from the door, "Open up, this is the police; open up now or we'll break this door down!"

 

     "Sum b***h!" said Clem under his breath; now what?

The End

 

     

 

 

    

 

 

         

 

    

 

      

 

     

 

 

    

 

 

          

Reviews

[Marie]

I was sort of glad Clem found a companion he could stand--and who could stand him. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did.

[Michael Stevens]

Thanks Marie, we'll see what happens next, sometime!