'Gag-a-Thon!'; a Clem Gummer tale!

A Clem Gummer adventure!

                              

   The pounding on the door grew more insistent, and Clem and Dell exchanged looks. 

 

     "What are we going to do Clem?" Del whispered.

 

     "Sum b***h; head for the basement; I dug an escape tunnel so I could come and go without my jerk-weed nosy neighbor Slim Dickhead knowing I was coming and going.  It will sure come in handy now!"

 

     Del gave him an incredulous look, "You've got a neighbor named Slim Dickhead?"

 

     The pounding got louder, and they heard an amplified voice, "You've got 30 seconds to surrender or we'll be forced to break this door down!"

 

     Clem turned to Del and answered, "Come on, follow me, and in answer to your question, shut up!" and he ran to the basement door and started down the stairs, followed immediately by Del.  He got to the bottom of the stairs, and behind him heard Del's panicky voice,

 

     "Where?  I don't see any door!"

 

     Clem answered, "Calm down; sum b***h!" and he rolled a barrel off the entrance to the secret escape tunnel.

 

     Del was still panicking, "Down there?  But it's so dark and dirty!" and he started yelling incoherently.

 

     "S**t, get a hold of yourself!" Clem shouted, and began slapping Del back and forth with the back of his hand.  "What's your problem?"

 

     Del's eyes stopped his frantic searching and he seemed to visibly come to his senses, "I get claustrophobic!"

 

     Clem shook his head and replied, "Well, what's it going to be; claustrophobia or prison?"

 

     Del looked at the entrance to the tunnel rather squeamishly and replied, "Okay, lead the way."

 

     Clem began crawling and Del reluctantly followed.  As they were beginning their journey, they heard a loud 'crack!' and a splintering  

behind and above them. 

 

     "Sum b***h, there goes the door; hurry your a*s!" whispered Clem, and he started crawling though the pitch-black even faster.  He heard a whimpering behind him, and felt a moment of sympathy for Del, but this was no time for feeling sorry for him.  "Come on, move!"

 

     Del kept up his whimpering, but picked up the pace.

 

 

******

 

 

     After crawling through the tunnel for a ways, a vague light began to show far down the tunnel.  "There, see that light?  We're almost there!" encouraged Clem. 

 

 

     Del just kept whimpering and they kept on crawling.  Soon, they arrived at a grate, and Del was gulping huge breaths of air.  "Huuhh, finally!  Huuhh!"

 

     Clem replied, "I've got good news and I've got bad news; which do you want first?"

 

     "Oh, how about the good news?"

 

     "The good news is we're just this grate away from freedom.  The bad news is..."

 

     Before he could finish, Del got another whiff of the bad news.  "I've been noticing that horrible smell for a while now.  I was being polite and not saying anything cause I thought it was you; s**t-o-dear!"

 

     "Exactly!  The tunnel ends right above the town sewage treatment holding pond, and the only way out is to jump right in to the waste water."

 

     "What?  Whose brilliant idea was tunneling straight into S**t City Creek?"

 

     Clem felt his cheeks flush (ha!) with anger.  "Look, d***o boy sum b***h, this sewage plant is brand new; this used to be a hillside above a vacant lot; how was I supposed to know the city would build their new sewage treatment plant here, huh, look, you're out aren't you, throbbing tool man!  I can't quite make up my mind between d***o boy and throbbing tool man!"  Del didn't need to know when he'd dug this, even though it was above a vacant lot, he had never quite figured out a way down.  He figured he had time to figure out a solution, so he'd never actually used the tunnel.  But before he could figure out a way, the city made it a mute point, because they'd put in this sewage treatment plant a few weeks ago.  Anyway, now there was only one way down.  "You ready Del?"

 

     Del looked over the edge at the cold-looking brown water so far below and gave him a you've GOT to be kidding? look.  "Did I mention I'm also afraid of heights and I can't swim?" and he started to back away from the end of the tunnel, so Clem grabbed him and said,

 

     "Sum b***h; this is for your own good!" and the famous scene from 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' flashed through his mind, hell, the fall alone will probably kill you, although it couldn't have been more than 15 feet to the water, and gave him a shove.  A terrified scream ripped the air,

 

     "Oh-ooo sh..."  and he hit the water.   Del came up gargling s**t and sputtering.  He managed somehow to make it to shore and staggered, stinking, a few feet onto the dirt, where he sank gratefully to the ground. 

 

     It was that Clem remembered the coil of rope that he'd left last time he was here and had planned on using when he needed to escape.  In all the rush and panicked excitement to get away from the police he'd plum forgot about it.  Maybe he wouldn't have to jump after all.  There was a tiny strip of dry land at the edge of the water, and he'd aim for that.  Behind him, he heard the unmistakable sound of running feet; the police!  He stepped over the edge and began lowering himself gently down the cliff face.

 

 

     He'd lowered himself about 7 or 8 feet when he heard, "Halt!" from

above him, and looked up into the face of a policeman.  "S**t!" he viciously cursed and knew he'd never make it to the ground; so he reluctantly pushed off the cliff face and let go of the rope. 

 

     "Splash!"; he hit the stinking water, and bobbed to the surface.  Before he could gag and retch, the sound of gunfire shattered the air, and he dove down into the cold brown to elude the searching bullets.  He could hear the hiss of the bullets as they sought him out.  He swam under water until his hand bumped the shore and he would just have to hope for a miracle, because he'd have to make a run for it.   He hauled himself out of the water and dove for the shelter of a nearby log, bullets marking a path on either side of him.  Just then he heard the sound of a car horn and looked behind him to the access road that ran close by.  Del was waving to him frantically from the open passenger door of the sewer tank truck. 

 

 

     He didn't hesitate; he scrambled up the small bank and pulled himself into the cab.  Del immediately floored the gas and the truck lurched forward, with the angry sound of bullets clanging off the tank.  They didn't speak until they had reached the highway and were cruising down it. 

 

     "How..." Clem started to ask Del.

 

     "I put my hot wiring skills I learned in my juvenile delinquent days to good use.  I saw this truck sitting there, and here I am!"

 

     "Well, good job, but we need to ditch this and steal something a little less obvious."

 

     "Yeah, I suppose you're right, and besides, the gas bill for this hog?"

 

     Clem sat staring open-mouthed at the stupidity of Del's comment.

 

     "What, kidding!" Del added, then he spotted a family pulled off to the shoulder, where they were in the process of removing a picnic basket and blanket to take into the nearby park.

 

     "Pull this thing up behind these people," said Clem.  Del pulled off the road and the truck coasted to a stop behind the startled people's small plain car.  Clem stuck his hand in his coat pocket and leaped from the truck, screaming,

 

     "Alright, sums of b*****s, give me the keys!"

 

      The man in the family took one look at his coat pocket and immediately held out his keys, saying "Here, take them!" 

 

     "Toss them on the ground!"

 

     Meanwhile, one of the kids backed up, saying, "Mister, you stink;  Woo!" and began furiously waving his hand under his nose. 

 

     "Gee, thanks kid, I hadn't noticed," Clem replied, sarcastically.  "Now take a hike, all of you!"

 

     The family trouped off and Clem got in the driver's seat, while Del lowered himself into the passenger seat, and they soon were racing once again down the highway.  Clem said,

 

     "Well, now what?"  Del just sat glowering out the passenger window.  Clem then said, "Did you hear me, or did some s**t get lodged in your ear?"

 

     Del slowly turned to look at him and replied, "Why didn't you tell me about the rope?"

 

     "Is that why you're upset?"

 

     "Upset?  I'm pissed!  I told you I was afraid of heights and jumping into a pool of s**t didn't sound very pleasant, and you fricking pushed me in when the whole time there was an easier way!"

 

     "Look, I didn't remember about the rope until you'd already made splash down, okay?"

 

     Del looked like he was about to say something further, but thought better of it.  "Well, now what?"

 

     Clem looked straight ahead and replied, "I have no idea."  The car continued to move them closer to an uncertain future.

 

 

The End

 

     

 

    

 

 

    

 

      

    

 

     

 

 

    

 

 

         

 

    

 

      

 

     

 

 

    

 

 

         

 

Reviews

[Marie]

Interesting. "S**t" seems to figure a lot in you stories. I'm glad Clem and Del got out of it.

"You really need to stop writing "The End" on stories about your different characters; you know y ou're going to write about them again.

[Michael Stevens]

Yeah, I guess it does at that; I add 'The End' for people who aren't aware it's part of a series, which is most people, I guess!