"Rich Man, Richer Man!"

A play loosely based on today's politics!

                                                            

The New Play By S. Pennington Wordsworth

 

A vain man, surrounded by piles of money, decides to run for president.

 

The Players: Well-Known Reality TV Host, Slick Huckster: Slick Huckster

 

Others: Other # 1:Tex Marlboro---Other # 2: Felicity Strange---Other # 3: Dullard Arrow, the angry voice of Cox News president Ward Cleaver, on the phone.

 

There's no room for anyone else in the media spotlight (they can't seem to get enough of 'The Slickster' as he's called behind his back), and his oversized ego wouldn't have it any other way. The curtain rises to 'The Slickster' pounding nails into his own head to hold his hairpiece in place.

 

Act one:

 

A loud knock sounds in the wood shop/bathroom of Slick Huckster.

 

Slick Huckster, anger distorting his features, more than normal, that is--"Oh, for s**t's sake, who is it, and what do you want now?"

 

Other # 1--"Pardon me Sir, there's a phone call for you."

 

Huckster--"Let them wait, it makes it look like I'm too important to answer the phone, and don't get smart with me, I'll deport your a*s!"

 

Confusion flickers across Other # 1's face--"But Sir, I'm from New Jersey."

 

Huckster--"Oh sure, you look foreign, show us your birth certificate!"

 

Other Number 1, whose actual name is Rocko, cringes inwardly. Not this s**t again. He may be my employer, but that seems to be his one and only line!"-- "Sir, I'll see if I can find it."

 

Huckster, shaking his head--"Right, you'll see if you can find it--you won't find it, because it proves you weren't born here!"

 

Other # 1 wisely decides to change the subject, because his boss seems to have a constant and unreasonable hard-on about it--"Sir, would you like waffles or eggs for breakfast this morning?"

 

Quickly forgetting the birth certificate deal, Huckster--"Oh, I think I'd prefer neither, I think I'd like some of the new cereal with the marshmallow dollar signs in it, what's that called again?"

 

Other # 1--"Scrooge Flakes, Sir, and very good. I'll have Thelma get that ready right away."

 

Huckster--"What did I say about names?"

 

Other # 1--"That yours is to be the only name spoken in your presence. I'm sorry Sir, Other # 2 will get that ready immediately, Sir."

 

Huckster--"You know, she also looks foreign, have I seen her birth certificate?"

 

Sighing, Other # 1--"Yes Sir, I believe it says she was born in Wyoming."

 

Huckster--"There you go again, getting smart with me! Don't you know I'm so rich I could buy your a*s and fire you?"

 

Turning his head so his eye rolling can't be seen by Huckster--"Yes Sir, sorry, Sir, will there be anything else?"

 

Huckster--"No, I don't think so--oh, wait, how do I look, I've got a press conference later this morning. I have nothing to say about anything meaningful, but the media hangs on my every word, like I actually have a clue. I'll just go off on illegal immigration, or the like, and they'll eat it up."

 

Other # 1--"Well, Sir, you may want to look in the mirror. Your hairpiece appears out of place."

 

Huckster--"Out of place? Hairpiece? I'll have you know this is 100% my own hair!"

 

Other # 1--"Is that why you have to become a Mane-Carpenter each morning?"

 

"That's it, you know what I do to people who make fun of me?"

 

Other # 1--"Fire them?"

 

Huckster--"No, I--err--fire their a*s!--and that's Sir to you, piss-ant!"

 

Other # 1--"I only call people I respect Sir!"

 

Before he can respond, Hucksters hair gives a loud groan, slides off his head, and crashes to the floor--'S**t, those nails must be made overseas, whatever happened to AMERICAN nails?"

 

Other # 1--"100 percent your natural hair, huh?"

 

Huckster turns purple with rage--"Get out, get the hell out, you're fired!"

 

Other # 1 leaves, with a look of relief on his face.

 

  End of scene one

 

Scene Two:

 

It's 2 hours later, and Huckster has re-nailed his hair, had his Scrooge Flakes, and is sitting watching all the news reports about himself, of which there are plenty, which is the way a man with an ego the size of Texas likes it, all about him, when he hears screaming in a tinny voice. He looks around, and sees the phone receiver 's off the hook--"Other # 1? Get your a*s in here!" Several seconds go by in silence, and his anger is volcanic--"Other # 1, where the hell are you?"  Several more seconds go by, and then Other # 2 arrives.

 

Other # 2--"Pardon me, Sir, but you fired him already."

 

Huckster--"S**t, I did?"

 

Other # 2--"Yes, Sir."

 

Huckster--"Well, s**t, someone's on the phone, and there isn't any way I'm walking over there to answer it--that's why I employ you illegal's."

 

Other # 2--"Pardon me, but I'm not an illegal."

 

Huckster--"So you claim, now hand me the damn phone and clear out!"

 

Other # 2--"Yes, your majesty!"

 

Huckster goes off--"Why you insubordinate little nothing! You're so fired!"

Other # 2 feels a sense of relief--"You know, putting up with you towering ego is no fun--goodbye!", and she storms out.

 

Huckster waves her good riddance, and stares at the phone receiver, still emitting a high-pitched screaming. He finally looks around, and realizes he's fired all his help, and will have to answer it himself. He reluctantly and sullenly rises--this is so beneath him! He walks over to the phone, picks up the receiver, and says, "Yes?" over the screaming.

 

Other # 3--"Well, yippy-fricky-do! Someone finally answered the damn phone!"

 

Huckster--"This had better be important, I'm a busy man!"

 

Other # 3--"Oh, I think you could say this is important. This is Ward Cleaver, and I was calling to say that despite our disagreements on almost every issue, we were prepared to back you, just because we're willing to sell our soul to beat the damn democrats, but now? I don't think so!"

 

 

Huckster, becoming angry--"Look, do you know how rich I am? Why, I could buy your piss-ant little nothing network many times over!"

 

Other # 3--"Well, good luck with that!"

 

Huckster, starting to feel a little desperate because, as ridiculous as it sounds for a network to wield such power, he knows there is NO way he'd have a chance as a third-party candidate,

squeals--"What about the press conference?"

 

His only answer is braying laughter, followed by the dial tone. This enrages Huckster, "How dare you hang up on me!" he screams, throwing the phone to the floor, where it bounces twice, and comes to a stop, where the mechanical voice of the operator can be heard,

 

"We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again. "

 

An enraged Huckster picks up the phone, and throws it as hard as he can against the wall, where it smashes into several pieces. "Figures, if that were an American phone, it would still be intact, and operational!"

 

The curtain rings down

 

End

 

S. Pennington Wordsworth encourages you to buy tickets for "Rich Man, Richer Man, the Story Continues" and find out if Slick Huckster becomes president, or is laughed at as a joke, which he hates.