The Return of The Clemster!

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An example of the ads Clem was doing for The Know S**t Network:

 

 

 

"Porking With Clem"

Clem Gummer Samples FOOD From Around the Globe

 

     "What? I'm sorry it doesn't mean what you thought it meant, as this is basically a family show, but it got your attention, didn't it? Each week, I, as the host, will sample dishes from different countries, and along the way, learn thing I didn't know, such as, in the premiere episode, when I travel to the remote and practically unknown, tiny north pole nation of Gumbaland, I learn that dung beetles are considered a delicacy--and will make the eater smile, I guess you could say, 'With a s**t-eating grin!" And, are basically the entire gross (and I do mean 'gross'!) national income. Also in Gumbaland, on the premier episode, I'll attempt to eat a 'dog' burger without making a face of complete disgust. They also invited me to stay for breakfast, but when the said they were having 'Mush', after the 'dog' burger, I couldn't take the chance! So, tune in to the premier episode of 'Porking With Clem', and Know S**t!"

 

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     "Hey look, it's Clem Gummer!"

 

     "Who?"

 

     "You know, that spokesman guy."

 

     "Spokesman Guy?"

 

     "Oh, come on, for The Know S**t Network?"

 

     "Oh yeah, hey Clem, over here, woo-hoo!"

 

     Clem Gummer was just out for a brisk morning walk, something that had become a habit, and was walking along the sidewalk, having just crossed the street, as he was nearing The Know S**t studios, when he heard The Call of the Dip S***s from across the street where he was walking. "Oh, hey fellas." Man, not another couple of losers wanting to say hi. He liked to joke about having only five viewers, but the truth was, there were a few million, and since he's started making commercials for The Know S**t Network, it seemed like he'd met them all. Oh s**t, here they came!

 

     Across the street they charged, and Clem tried to put on a happy smile, at least as big of one his misshapen, rotting teeth would allow.

 

     The taller of the two started to say something, but the blare of a car horn and the sound of squealing tires caused them to pull up in alarm, as a yellow and black checked taxi cab fishtailed around them, and the yelling of, "Why don't you fuc..." followed the fast-disappearing taxi.

 

     "Hey Clem, you're the dude on The Know S**t Network, right?" the taller guy said, and then to his shorter pal, "Wow, imagine, we're talking to Clem Gummer!"

 

     Shorty added, "Yeah, cool!"

 

     You almost became dueling hood ornaments, and all you can say is 'cool!' Crazy b******s!  "Are you guys okay?" He really didn't give a s**t, but had to play his part.

 

     Tall-Boy replied, "Oh yeah, living here, we're used to it. It's just so nice to meet a true celebrity. Eunice and Claudina May will never believe us! They'll just assume it's another dumb-a*s excuse for why we're late coming home from the tavern. Ha, the joke's on them, as we already had thought one up. What, do they think we look dumb enough to stagger in three hours late, reeking of alcohol, and not having one ready?"

 

     Do you really want me to answer that?  "Yeah, originally being from Kentucky, this crazy traffic takes some getting used to."

 

     "You're from Kentucky? We recently moved up here from Georgia, it sure  is a small world!"

 

     Not small enough! he thought, "Well, it's always nice to meet a couple of my fans!' even if I've got rocks in the yard that are smarter!

 

     "We're not just any fans, we're probably your biggest fans! We never miss, 'Double-Pump Duck Hunters' with Si Hollow, every Saturday night. That Si, what a character!"

 

     Oh s**t, he had to get away from The Idiot Twins, IMMEDIATELY--he could feel his brains being sucked out of his forehead as he listened! "Yeah, he sure is--listen, fellows, it was nice meeting you, but I've got to get going, I'm late for something."

 

     "Oh, what's that?"

 

     S**t, "A very important meeting."

 

     "What about?"

 

     Clem felt the last vestiges of his patience slip away, replaced by a black rage. "What about? I'll tell you sum b*****s what about! About how to deal with your mornings being rudely interrupted by a couple of moron dickheads who have no life, and who seem to get off on f*****g up yours!"

 

     "Oh, well then, we probably better let you get to your meeting. We just wanted to say hi, so long!" and the two moron in-breeders turned, and walked away. Clem watched them go, with a look of incredulity on his face. Those two droolers were so dumb, they couldn't even tell they were being ranked on. What were the odds they'd bring up, 'Double-Pump Duck Hunters', though, as that was the show he was doing a promo for today. As a matter of fact, he'd better get home and get cleaned up--he didn't want to be late, but then again, he was such a massive star, he could do as he wished. To the public, he was The Know S**t Network! They could just wait. What were they going to do, fire him? No way! He decided to stop into 'Dizzy Bob's Tavern' and have a beer, or five. He looked at the grandfather clock (he called it a grandfather clock watch because it could do everything--probably even had an app for opening his garage door!) he was wearing on his wrist, and saw that it was just after 10.00--he was due at the studio at 10.30 to begin taping, but tough s**t. He was thirsty.

 

                                                                     ******

     

     As he enter 'Dizzy Bob's', no one paid him any mind. The three people in here at this hour were serious drinkers, and weren't exactly social, which suited Clem just fine. After The Idiot Twins had accosted him this morning, he just wanted to be left in peace. He pulled up a stool at the bar, and a man whose face looked like it had been caught in a threshing machine reluctantly and sullenly made his way over to Clem.

 

     "What can I do for you, Mac?"

 

     The man's 'I wish you weren't here' attitude instantly pissed Clem off, "Yes, I'd like you to walk out to the road, and get hit by a truck!"

 

     The guy didn't even bat an eyelash, "Sure, then I wouldn't be stuck in this s**t-hole anymore, but how about something to drink?"

 

     Clem looked at the guy, and decided that trying to piss this dude off was a waste of time, "How about a beer?

 

     "Gee, how original. Here I was expecting you to order a caramelized double limp-wrist martini, with a slice of lime," he replied, looking around at the run-down dump of a place.     

 

     "Go hump yourself, pal. I don't need a ration of your idiot-s**t!" Clem retorted, and stormed towards the front door. 

     

     On his way by one of the hardcore drinkers, he caught the conversation he was having with his buddy as they stared right at him, "What a dick!  What did he expect? I..."

 

     He immediately stopped, and went over to the guy, and got right in his face, "You got something to say to me, Rummy? Well, here I am, start talki--"

 

     He was completely taken by surprise when the guy grabbed him by the throat, and started rabbit-punching him in the face.