Li'l Dumper's Freak Show!

Li'l Dumper tries stand-up

Dump was nervous, but he was finally going to show the world

what he could do out from under the thumb of 'The Amazing Putini', at least he hoped it had been his thumb. He had entered himself in the big 'Don't Choke In The Eyes Of The World Humor Jamboree.' He had worked on these jokes for days, driving himself to exhaustion, but as that was his normal state, he barely noticed. As he gazed out on the expectant crowd, he had a moment of doubt, but then he remembered he was the smartest, greatest man alive, and regained his arrogance. He heard the emcee announce to the crowd,

'Ladies--err--gentleman, would you welcome, from Washington 

D. C., 'Lil Dumper'!

He stumbled out into the glare of the spotlight, and froze, so 

many people, looking to him to make them laugh, and 

intentionally. He began tentatively,

"Ah, thank you, everyone, I just flew in from Chicago, and 

some non-American chick tried to wait on me, and I said,

"Whoa, whoa, there, Anzipanza, only Americans wait on me!"

She gave me a dirty look and dumped my imported coffee in 

my lap, proving my point that foreigners are all violent 

extremists who should be banned from entering the country!"

He waited for the tidal wave of laughter to wash over him, 

giving him the must-have acknowledgment that he was the 

funniest, cleverest human being, ever, but heard only a 

figurative pin drop. S**t! Oh, how he wished The Amazing 

Putini was here; his new adviser Steve O'Hooligan, had assured 

him the joke was funny, but it had bombed like an IUD on 

steroids, and now he was up here facing the stone-faced 

crowd by himself. Why had he listened to O'Hooligan? He let 

several seconds go by in awkward silence, then said, "Ah, 

thank you, gentlemen, I just remembered, I left my gas oven 

on, and only I can turn it off." 

And with that, he turned and ran from that awful scene, 

thinking, 'I wonder if my ego-bloated head will fit inside?' 

When he at home, the first thing he'd do was call The Amazing 

Putini and beg for his old job back, and the second would be 

to tell that less-than-useless O'Hooligan 'you're fired!'