An Insecure Girl

 Have you ever met a person and wondered about their personal life? You know, how what they do when no one’s looking, what they think about, even how many friends or guys they have? Yeah well that's me. Usually its not people I've met but just people that I see minding their own business. I think about what if I was talking to that person and maybe finding out they have a son or a daughter, I meet they in the near future & maybe become best friends. Then that little chat might change what would be my future. Maybe I would accidently bump into a cute guy at school, strike up conversation, become friends & maybe years later we get married. You never know how these kinds of this will pan out.

 

          I've always been a shy girl, never liked interacting with people but always thought about what would happen if I did, not as if I was going to anyway. I always watched others live their life while I'm in my little safety bubble. The only connection to the outside world was my best friend Taylie. She did so many things I wish I could do but I would have to step out of my bubble to do them. She would tell me stories about what she’s done & I would just wonder what if I did those things... Nope, I probably won’t. Well, I started off with just ordering my own food or buying something from Safeway to help me get out of my bubble, just little things like that. It wasn't till I met this superb guy that I've actually really tried to get out of my bubble completely. I was 15 or 16 not sure how old I was exactly. I went to my older cousin's birthday party and that's when I met him. He was wearing a marvel shirt & jeans. I didn't really pay any attention to him because I was praying. I stared at my book & was praying for God to show me who is my 'knight' like I did the night before. I was sick of being alone & not having a reason to live. Then I glanced up at him because I had a feeling I should look up and to my left. There he was, his dark eyes looking at me & his wide mouth in the shape of a smile. I didn't think he was looking at me because no guy ever looked at me like that. I just simply looked back to my book & pretending to read, I started to pray again. Not understanding that God meant him for me. I just continued with my reading after I finished praying. Later, I had a feeling that I needed to do something so I looked up & I saw a squirt gun & a water bottle. I filled the squirt gun up & headed down to my truck where He was playing with my little cousins. I squirted him while I walked by him. I've been stuck on him ever since. We've saw each other once in a while after that & talked very little, nothing that made us barely friends or anything more than acquaintances. Anyway I started wanting to in prove myself after I met him. I tried new things, learned things I always was too afraid to learn all on the thought that he likes outgoing girls. Well, If he likes outgoing girls, why does he like me? I still don't know the answer to that or even if he still likes me at all. We've known each other for about three years now and I am still confused what we are to each other. Anyway I learned how to long board, how to be a good friend, how to stand up for people & I found my style, kind of. I've found out how to draw & I was so excited that I wanted to show him. I was so excited but when I showed him I didn't see the approval in his eyes. It was...nothing. Ever since then I've been trying to in prove myself just so one day I can see the approval on his face. I doubt I ever will.

 

          I've always assumed that when I see someone looking at me they are looking past me. You know, never really seeing me, but the person that just happens to be standing behind me. No one has looked at me and made me feel like I'm the only one they are talking to. They always seemed to get distracted by something or someone else. He use to make me feel like I was the only one that he wanted to talk to, but of coarse I had to act cold to him when he did that. I just can’t seem to get myself to show much of my feelings. I would always shut everyone else out when it came to my feelings. Like the many times I was jealous of the girls that liked him. Even if I was friends with that girl I would just look at him then walk away somewhere that I could stop shaking in anger & cry. No one has made me feel wanted like he did & I didn't know what to do to take back his attention so I just stopped talking. The only other time that a guy showed his interest in me & I didn't shut him out was my Ex Johnny. Which later I found out he was cheating on me with several other girls. I liked him so much that I didn't pay attention to him being a w***e & a cheater. I almost gave him the second most precious thing that God gave me, my first kiss. Something told me I shouldn't when my lips were about an inch from his. Then next day I found out about him. That was my last relationship. About a year later is where we are at now. I've been trying to live life without worrying about guys, but it’s kind of hard when my best guy friends are just now telling me they are in love with me. I don't understand why they think I'm the 'perfect girl'. I asked them why do they think they are in love with me & they just reply with "you just don't know just how special you are" No, I know how special I am and that's very, very little. It’s very hard to think of myself as 'perfect' when I have so many flaws to fix. 

 

 

          I think back to the times that I really thought that I had a connection with someone, not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. I've had so many friends come & go and I've always wondered how they are now. I remember them from when I knew them but do we really ever know a person? People change so much that I'm not even sure if we were really even friends. Take my best friend, Taylie for example. I've known her since 4th grade I think? Well that's about 7 almost 8 years we've known each other & been friends. I never really thought I knew her, I still don't I was always waiting for that day to come when she approaches me & says that I was stupid for thinking we were actually friends. I know it sound stupid for all the people that know her but it’s true. She would never do that of course and its all thanks to one person. Allison. I was kind of still getting use to the whole 'private Christian school' thing and I only had one girl friend. Since I always hung out & played sports with my guy friends I didn't know how to be friends with girls. So the first thing I try to do is act funny like I've seen other girls do. Well, after that idea went down in flames & tried to really pay attention to how girls acted. I always acted like a boy because I always copied my brother & day. My mom didn't help much since she was a natural born tomboy like myself. Well, I tried to fit in & be like other girls until one day a girl in my class that I thought I was friends with came up to me. She said "I don't want to be your friend. You’re annoying." Those words hurt me so much that I still remember every detail of that moment till today. From that moment I tried to not care what people think. I also try to not to be annoying. Her words did hurt me, but it also made me who I am today. I imagine how much that hurt me but even more about if she didn't say it. I would be a completely different person. Something’s are good for you even if it may sound mean. It just depends on how you say them. That’s why I try to be honest about what I think.  

 

 

           I’ve never been the jealous type. Then I met him, but that’s only because I’m in love with him. I’m pretty sure everyone feels like that when their in love. The other thing is when I’m with Taylie & we are talking to guys. They never see past her. I’m always the one standing in the shadow, never the one casting it. I love her, she’s my best friend, but I have to be honest. I sometimes don’t like hanging out with her because she makes me become jealous whenever guys are around. I know she doesn't mean too but I can’t help it. Guys never see past how she looks. She has the hottest body that would make anyone jealous, the biggest, bluest eyes you've ever seen, long, white blonde hair and the best personality that anyone could ask for. Not to mention she’s a straight up boss. She’s a tomboy and is good at anything she sets her mind to. She was one of the few friends I had at the private school& now she is the last close friend that I have. There is only one part where she lacks at and is defending her friends to her other friends. Sometimes I just get so mad at myself for getting jealous of her because If I’m jealous of her I know I won’t want to be around her but If I’m around her I get jealous. It’s a never ending story. Now my worst fear out of all is putting both jealousies together. I’m afraid if I introduce Taylie to the love of my life he would like her & forget about me like so many other guys have done. He’s a guy and he is still in that stage where looks are the only thing that matters so no doubt he would go after her. And I know she wouldn't want to hurt me like that but she is bad at telling guys straight up that she’s not interested. But if she did tell him then he would come crawling back to me and I refuse to be anyone’s second choice. They pick me first or they don’t get me at all.

The End for now...

 

Reviews

[Marina Nutt]

What you wrote: Your writing is inspirational, but please try to make the attempt of checking your spelling mistakes. And dont use your friends real name. That just rude and not thoughtful. And I thought the "Story" was about insecure girl..are you talking about yourself or your friend?
( Activating event example; Taylie is getting all the attention.
Your belief: [Irrationally] you may be thinking; 1.that she's better than you and everyone knows it. 2. that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be. --more deeply?:)...
this is what Jazmen wrote..and I dont agree with that at all. and then this... 1. (Taylie is not better than you. She's different from you.) Tf Bruh..you know Taylie! She doesn't think of her self in that way. And all that talk about her getting the attention from all the guys thats you liked. Thats a lie! JUST CONFRONT THE GUY! Taylie will be happy for you. Even if hes still with that girl. "Say what you need to say" John Mayer.

[Jazmen]

wow ok, your openness is wonderful, I love that you write.
I'm assuming you keep a journal?
That's great if you do.

So, the one thing that I picked up on that is awesome is that you have great intuition. You know what you want. You know where it is. The only thing that seems to be hindering you and creating this whole insecure persona you identify with is that you fear so much about what people think of you, you try not to, you say you don't, but you have to accept that you do and use it to help you grow. What I mean is, you can use your intuition positively to observe your behaviors.
I am compelled to show you an example by using the ABC and REBT concept.
This is an example, I'm just putting myself in your shoes, so these beliefs are coming from personal experience and/or the way I perceive your situation to've been like for you.
Activating event example; Taylie is getting all the attention.
Your belief: [Irrationally] you may be thinking; 1.that she's better than you and everyone knows it. 2. that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be. --more deeply?: 3. You're wholly or partly owning the idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events. (This is sometimes hard to know if you think it or not. Think about it)
Consequences of these beliefs?: you feel insecure, ignored. depressed?, uncomfortable. Angry. Jealous. Angry that you're jealous..
Dispute your irrational belief; 1. Taylie is not better than you. She's different from you.
2 and 3.. You make the things that happen around you horrible or great. It is YOUR emotions that cause the effect of jealousy and anger. Insecurities. It's your thoughts shrouded in toxic negativity that you're lost in. It's so easy for us to be effected this way. It happens to everyone. EVERYONE. EVERY kid at school, every adult you know. everyone. we're human, we have to balance our thoughts ourselves to be ideal.
Become aware of the truth that it is our own beliefs and thoughts that make us sad, sick, angry etc. and you'll be amazed at the acceptance and happiness you've been missing out on when you refuse to remain sick. Insecure.
This is the only reason you think she's getting all the attention. Cuz you're stuck in your head believing that she has all the attention. She doesn't. YOURE THERE TOO. And everyone knows it. Say something. Don't say anything. Don't be cold. Be neutral..
Effects;
Future plan:
Goal:
^ so that's the ABC concept. Activating event. Belief (irrational). Consequences. Disputing belief (rational). Effect. Future plan. Goal.

Here is a list of the 12 Irrational Beliefs. If you look to this whenever you're writing about something relative to your life and your emotions, look for the belief you closest relate to. Elaborate on it. Try to find the positive side.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/146frKAehs3OGoOZNV5JFx42HnnwEfV-7cPcZtqFKOV0/edit?hl=en&pli=1

You seem like a girl who thinks a lot. I know what it's like to be insecure, believe me. A piece of advice I want to give you before I talk about your writing is that we do not prove ourselves to ANYONE but ourselves.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am then to be loved for someone I am not" - Kurt Cobain. He said it better. Try to write about that? Take that quote. Write it down. Write some more. Smile.

Your writing is detailed. You seem to be at the right place in skill level. I just hope you keep writing. As much as you can. You're gifted. And you're different.
And the part where you said "No, I know how special I am and that's very, very little. It’s very hard to think of myself as 'perfect' when I have so many flaws to fix." this is what keeps you down. You are a beautiful girl worthy of love, trust, dignity and respect.. no matter what you think right now, i don't give a f**k.. your thoughts may be going to a popular place in your skull, the part that agrees with the quote, instead of the review..
ok, embrace the fact that youre DIFFERENT, man. you're the best, and your future is bright. NEVER live someone elses dream. you get ONE chance to live. Do it exactly how you want. No lies. No cheats. Make sure youre happy. And if you're not. Do your ABCs. haha! those completely changed me when I was in treatment for heroin addiction. i was exactly like you when I was a teenager. Please take my advice. Learn to love yourself! cuz obviously people love you. You think they're stupid? Where's your head at? You're brilliant.
Keep writing.