Acheron

I wrote this for my ex's birthday, I just thought I'd share it...

Acheron                                                                                      Gabriel Barker

20 lines

We sit aboard the bank of the river

The water teases the land

it flirts with the mud and sand

The chilling breeze makes your body shiver

The stars above seem to spell out your name

Time is stood still

atop our secluded hill

We're free from misery, we're free from blame

The calmed river playfully laps your toes

Your lips can't hide your teeth

We say nothing, only breathe

I want this never to end, and it shows

But the tranquil, humble earth turns to ash

The mud and sand; to air

The river bank laid bare

But lonely nostalgia, like time, passes

and feelings remain there.

Reviews

[nevermindfan1991]

We sit aboard the bank of the river(.) (10)
The water teases the land (8)
it flirts with the mud and sand (.) (7)
The chilling breeze makes your body shiver (.) (10)

This was a nice introduction compared to most poems.
I liked your use of the world “flirt” very original. I felt the word
mud was superfluous. The rhythm was off. As you can see the lines
from 7-10 syllables per line. There was hardly any consistency. The
last line did not seem to fit. I felt it appeared out of nowhere and
it was done simply for the rhyme scheme. I’m glad you did not go into
overt detail about the river bank. You got straight to the point.




The stars above seem to spell out your name(.) (10)
Time is stood still (4)
atop our secluded hill (.) (6)
We're free from misery [and] blame (10)

I’ m not sure but I think your intentionally making the first and last line of the stanza
with ten syllables. I’m not sure why though. I felt the last line though “we’re free from misery” was unnecessary. Plus, you should add more here. What misery? What blame? If you don’t answer it then what was the point of it.



The calmed river playfully laps your toes (7)
Your lips can't hide your teeth (6)
We say nothing, only breathe (7)
I want this never to end, and it shows (8)

I think you should look at your rhythm. That is what really
matters in a poem. Even free verse has a sense of rhythm.
Teeth and breathe is a near rhyme, while your other rhymes
are perfect rhymes. The second line was kind of non-sequitur.
How does it show referring to your last line. Your writing is excellent
but your poem lacks depth. You leave many things unanswered and unexplored.
Perhaps, because this was to you ex you didn’t feel needed to explain these
things.



The tranquil, humble earth turns to ash
The mud and sand; to air [expand on this]
The river bank laid bare [doesn’t seem right]
But lonely [better adjective] nostalgia, like time, passes
and feelings [always] remain there.

This needs to be reworked. Your conclusion is nice but it is hardly hinted at previously. If you do that I think your poem will improve tremendously. It helps build suspense for the reader until they reach a satisfying conclusion. Anyway, Bravo!

[BLACK PRINCE]

This is a beautiful tribute to your ex.
It's a shame things didn't work out.

S**t happens though !!