There it goes

First went my heart

  It shattered to pieces and when the shards flew

They punctured my lungs

  And every word you ever told me

     Every word I breathed in

       With every ounce of my being 

Left my lungs

 They didn't leave me though 

They ran to my veins 

 They flowed through my body

   And into my brain 

The poisoned blood drowned my mind

 You killed me

But who were you?

 And why did I give you this power?

You murdered me with your words

 You broke my heart

   Took away my ability to breathe

     Drowned my thoughts

And when I meet you at the fiery gates of hell

 I'll tell you what you did 

  I'll tell you every detail of the pain you've caused

But until then

 I'll carry my shattered heart

  My useless lungs

    My drowned soul 

      With me

In hopes of repairing

 Every part of me... 

Author's Note

Definitely a work in progress still

Reviews

[MAC]

an extremely passionate write that goes at such a reverent pace that the words seemingly slap the readers face. incredible write!

[bella]

Haha thank you who doesn't love slapping people in the face?

[Coyote Poetry]

Nice flow of thoughts. I liked the story and the energy of the words. When we fall. We do fall completely. Thank you Bella for sharing your excellent poetry.
Coyote

[JayG]

You, the author, are clinically listing a series of metaphorical events that supposedly happened as a result of...umm...you don't say. And in the end, while each line triggers an emotional response to memories you hold as a result of this unspecified event, your reader has none of those memories, and so lacks context.

After you say, "First went my heart. It shattered to pieces," you've made your point.

With the list of events that follow you first drive your point home. Then you hammer it into the ground. Then you smash it to smithereens. Then you...

My point is that you, someone whose voice we can't hear are TELLING the reader about your personal response to whatever the event was. That informs, so while hearing about your response may be debilitating to you, lacking context for the reader, it fails to entertain. And people want to be entertained.

So, instead of talking about YOUR response, make the reader live the events. Place cause before effect and make the reader live the events in a way that makes THEIR heart shatter, instead of hearing that someone they don't know had it happen.

In other words, the traditional writers advice: Show, don't tell.

[wordman]

the flip side of love,the after effects of a relationship that didn`t make it

[mae23]

Really loved this one! The imagery was amazing and I like when you start talking to the person that created the pain. Very moving

[bella]

Oh someday I'm definitely showing them the poem haha

[Raven Moonchild]

(applauds) The depth of this is a blade to the heart all by itself. Such anger and sadness and betrayal. Brilliant job, dear. :D

[bella]

Thank you!