"I will someday I am on my way"

A mixture of a story and poem Hope you enjoy :)

Enter the last room in this house
The isolated one on your left
Close the door and turn the lights off
Let the darkness of the walls tell you the story of a girl who once lived in this mess

To come in you must know the code
You have to have a strong heart and be very bold

The sad melody, the glum beat
The coldness of the air and the low heat

Silence is everything in here
Only the wave of her tears you’ll hear
She was young, she was smart
Her hair was long, she had a pure heart

She lived at night
She never saw the sun`s light
Darkness was her only friend
A friend she never had to present


She had lots of goals she wanted to achieve
With an honest will in herself she believed
But around her she was aware
That other rooms in the house never believed in her
And it was unfair

She wanted to prove them wrong
She wanted to follow her dreams
For her life is a bad song
Autumn with its falling leaves

“I will some day, I am on my way”
She screamed to all
Trying to fill her inner haul
Teasing every room around her
Trying to act as if she didn`t care

She kept fighting
She kept struggling
But pain grew older
And the battle became colder

Until she couldn`t fight anymore
Until God took her incent soul

And so she lived when night falls down
Her spirit flies around the whole town
Screaming to the house with his other rooms
“I will someday, I am on my way!!!”

Reviews

[CecilA]

Great composition. It's fluidity pulled me in; captivated me. Well thought out and shown.

I suggest a rewrite though looking for inconsistant thoughts and verb tense shifts.

Consider dropping some of the "She wanted" and "She kept". For example: "She wanted to prove them wrong and follow her own dreams." "She kept fighting and struggling."

?"Until she couldn't fight anymore; Until God took her innocent soul."
"Now she lives when night falls down;
Her spirit flies around the whole town
Screaming to the house with his other rooms:
"I will someday, I am on my way!!!"

Otherwise I love it.

[Yasmin]

I thank you for reading my dear friend even more for leaving a good review
I know it needs more editing and I thank you for reminding me to do so .
I tried the "rewriting" method yet it didn't work with me because I keep creating new poems and destroying the primary one and that brings me down I will give it another try though because it seems that you have a good experience in poetry and I need more work so I will follow your advice and I'll keep on trying till it works
Again thanks

[CecilA]

It's all about focus. When other thoughts enter your mind; jot them down and then refocus on the original. If the thoughts you wrote down can be infused into your original do it later. Otherwise ignore them; keep them for another poem. I do it alone, in a quiet environment, closed blinds; just me and my poem. I don't erase or mark out anything at first. Just circle or X through something you find needs correcting or changed. Then rewrite and make those changes. If you feel you can insert something into your poem which makes it richer; enhances it then by all means do that. Obviously things which you feel don't belong anymore should be cut out. Then repeat the process. Sometimes I'll do it a dozen times before I feel that I've written what my gut reveals to me. Writing to me has to involve all my senses: hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, feeling, and emotion. You see, you have allowed yourself to befriend a nut. Anyway, you'll do fine and I believe your poetry will become superb because of your desire to write like a writer should. Someone said: "Writers are peculiar and readers are particular." With that in mind we have to be particular about what we write despite all our pecuilarities

[Yasmin]

Well I guess then I'll try it your way and cross my fingers and hope that it would work to me the same way it works for you
I can't thank you enough for the awesome advice and I hope to read some of your work soon