The Abridged Works of Stephen King

I'm a fan of Stephen King so this is a bit of an affectionate parody.

Protagonist:  What a great day in this nice small town.  It sure would be awful if something evil happened.

Evil: Something evil, you say?

Protagonist: I wonder if I should...OH GOD WHAT IS GOING ON? THERE'S A GIRL BLOWING PEOPLE UP WITH HER MIND, A CLOWN IS EATING PEOPLE, MY CAT JUST CAME BACK AS A ZOMBIE, ALIENS ARE KILLING PEOPLE AND SUPERNATURAL S**T IS HAPPENING! THIS IS THE WORST ARBOR DAY EVER.

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[Detective Watts]

You know who's a terrible writer? Dean freakin' Koontz. I hate that guy.