Acumen

in deep

        This is how I stand in line
The clerk goes on break as I reach first position
I'm Dracula's Bride who's just been bitten
You see a greed
I have a need
And the dead no longer bleed.

This is how I pick my flowers
Is it me or are they all sickly?
They all wilt so quickly
You think all I see I tend to misread
I want to run and yet afraid to proceed
I see in my head that the dead no longer bleed.

This is how I claim my prize
Finding completion with only a portion
Retiring on a transient's fortune
The diseased look for new victims in order to feed
I'm gasping for breath while you learn how to read
Still alive, I carve my razor sharp plead
To heal.

Author's Note

a repost

Reviews

[Susan S.]

I'm hooked. Your poetry is a cut above the common crowd. I've read three of them now. It took me this long to make a response. The little couplet at the end of each verse just knocks my socks off!

Now for the critique. ;)

It would be nice to see that same indent that is on the first line of the first verse on the first line of each verse.
In the second verse the line that has "I want to run and yet..." The "and yet" is awkward. It can be made to fit the rhythm of the poem, but it isn't the first way one thinks of. I think it needs a single syllable rather than two... maybe. I'm not sure. Just something about those two words makes me stumble.

On the last line of that verse, by taking out the "then" the two words "head" and "dead" reinforce each other giving more power to the line.

The line, "The diseased look for new victims in order to feed" is kinda awkward. The line after it is so damn strong it saves the verse, but it would be nice to have this line stand on it's own.

Let me repeat. I am awed by the raw power in this piece. I am awed by the complexity of rhythm and rhyme. Let's face it, I just plain awed.

Susan

[shadadakiya]

well that was good work