A Landlord's Last Letter To His Disintegrated Tennant

A Landlord’s Last Letter To His Disintegrated Tenant

 

Wish I could say that i knew you yesterday 

but till they found what remained 

I didn't know your name

guess I didn't know you very well

if I did I'd have a better tale to sell 

can't explain what happened 

ashes were all that remained

Spontaneous Combustion 

worked better than liposuction

instead of removing the fat surgically 

you just burned it all away

all that was left behind 

was a scorched leather couch 

and a cheap glass ashtray where 

your final dog end burned out

The coroner was quite puzzled

the detectives were all amazed 

the reporter puked, flipped her wig 

and was quickly locked away

The Daily Herald suspected arson 

while the Times headlines read foul play 

and yet no scientific explanation 

has been given to this day

The whole nation was enraptured 

their short attention span was captured

no one discussed the Yankees 

Even The Babe took a backseat

I hope that now you're gone 

you won't care too much to mind

I placed an overpriced ad

in the local classifieds

selling dollar photos 

of the apartment you once occupied

I had to keep your deposit 

but was forced to waive your last month's rent 

and i need extra cash to redecorate 

the den where you finally gave in 

well looks like you've finally done it 

you wanted fame well you went and won it 

and the spectators just keep rolling in 

by the dozens day after day