we could

we could tumble down 

we could fall to the ground 

we could hum this tune 

till were lost in sound 

its been 3 thousand days 

since ive seen the sea 

 even double that number 

since youve last seen me

 

its been 5 thousand paces 

since the last regret 

but theres to many numbers 

from the last sun set 

so we have to lose our thoughts 

to get lost in time 

if we keep this up there is a rhyme 

to keep our lives going 

we have to chyme 

a million thousand things to do 

your only one 

but i want you as mine

Reviews

[Alicia™]

This is a really interesting poem… I say that because I like the way you counted the time. Nice job!

[just take a breath]

ok, i loved this! it starts out thinking "oh, another break up poem about hating the opposite sex" but then it ends with just saying you believe.

fabulous! haha
-marissa

[Laha]

I really enjoyed the pace of this poem. I'm reading a little book by E.B White, "The Elements of Style", I've just recently discovered it although I'm sure many, many writers have already thoroughly devoured it. One of the first things mentioned is, "Omit needless words!"... This piece reminds me why this is so important! I think you did a great job on saying exactly what you wanted.
I feel like the last two stanzas run together, maybe you could combine them somehow. Thanks for the read request! Keep them coming, I enjoy your work.

[clauds294]

I loved this so much! Again another wonderful write! Keep it up

[Sarah Jane]

I love the Second Stanza, very cute :p

[SpokenWord]

Just like your pen name "oursong" this sings out with love and desire for the one you love.

[HopelesslyDevoted]

i like this one, very cool!

[iamcarolfierce]

Good writing. :)

[Kate Hunter]

Good Job. I like it a lot.