Becoming The Nothing

Today's thoughts

I am nothing without him.

And I long to become the nothing,

I want to wither,
to wilt,
to disappear, 

to die.

But my body, bound by responsibility,
marches on - a vessel for all I owe.

So my mind takes the only escape it knows,
submission.
To hunger,
to calculation,
to the temptation of vanishing.

Never careless, never weak,
Think like the ravenous,
like a child denied warmth and bread.
Think.

I want to collapse inward,
a star burned out
in the shape of a woman.

Not all harm leaves blood.
I do not cut - 
scars speak too loudly.
I do not burn -
flames betray secrets.

But I can starve.
I can fade.

And they will call it discipline.
They will call it health.

No one reads the hunger
in the margins of food labels,
or the suicide notes
disguised as meal plans.

I do not aim for a number,
only the vanishing point.
Past the charts, past the mirrors,
past recognition.

And maybe then,
I can wither,
I can wilt,
I can die, 
...and no one will notice

I was ever here.

Reviews

[Broken.buddy]

The progression from "I am nothing without him" to wanting to "become the nothing" shows how external validation loss can transform into self-destruction.

The metaphor of becoming "a star burned out in the shape of a woman" is particularly striking - it captures both the cosmic scale of the pain and the specific gendered pressures around body image.

What's most chilling is how the poem reveals the calculated nature of this particular form of self-harm: "Not all harm leaves blood... But I can starve. I can fade. / And they will call it discipline."

The line "suicide notes disguised as meal plans" is devastating in its precision - it names exactly what's happening while showing how invisible this kind of suffering can be.

The ending's desire to disappear completely - "past recognition" until "no one will notice I was ever here" - reflects the profound pain and self-negation driving these behaviors.